How Do You Get Over An Affair?

[kat2206]

My OH and I have been together for nearly 6 years, he proposed on 8th November last year and it was the best day of my life.

Yesterday he came home from work and told me that he's been having an affair since 30th November last years, not 3 weeks after he proposed to me.. my world has fallen apart, I am absolutely devastated, he has finished the affair (now).

What do I do? How can I pick up the pieces... do I pick up the pieces?

Cant stop crying... havent slept....

[ummmm]

Difficult one.

It all depends on what sort of person you are. Some people can forgive...some people can't.

Will you ever be able to trust him again?

Why did he tell you?

[kat2206]

He told me because I had received an anon call saying that he was having an affair, I rang him at work and he denied it all. He came home and told me that he couldnt hold it in any longer and told me everything. So with this in mind, would he still be seeing her if I hadnt got that call?

[ummmm]

Probably, yes.

Can you live a life of doubt? Can you live your life always wondering what he's doing?

You might love him....but can you live the rest of your life like this?

[emmie]

The answer for most is you don't, but you learn to live with it, and then move on. Unlikely you would trust him again, and the only reason you know about it someone else told you. Then he had no choice to confess, which is bad enough. So stark choice, do you forgive, but live with this knowledge, or move on. Personally i would have to move on because i doubt i would trust that person again. As everyone here will say i'm sure, a very very difficult subject, choice, and one only you can make it.

[rsvp]

without trust in the relationship yu'll always be wondering 'what if he does it again' - not a good way to live imho - it's about respect too, he didn't respect you enough Not to have an affair, neither did he respect you enough to tell you - you only know cos he was sprung by someone else. Not very good traits in a person - it will be hard and you are understandably very upset at the moment but you have to think of how your future with him will be now that you know his true colours. x

[ummmm]

Also take into consideration....some people cheat...some people don't. If all was well in your relationship....he's a cheater, and likely to do it again.

[ummmm]

You say *commitment-phobia* I would say *opportunist*

[emmie]

Not one of us would know he was a committment phobe or otherwise, i think what he has done is reprehensible, but it's up to Kat to sort out what happens next. It's harsh and anyone who has been in that position will know your head feels like it will explode, and nothing makes sense for a time.
Kat could you get away for a time, stay with family, friends, because they can help, and a change of environment does help a little.

[DTCwordfan]

agree with Em especially the last point.....a country inn (on his nickel), good food and some nice long walks to help clear the head help enormously.....have a close friend stay with you if there is some one you can trust with confidences.

[4getmenot]

so he only told you because he was found out. If it was just a mistake and a one off i could maybe forgive, but not an ongoing affair. Also if you forgive you have to forget too, so many couples i know who have taken blokes and woman back bring up the affair in arguments, it doesnt work.

[beso]

I wonder if the proposal was a lame attempt to keep himself on the straight and narrow after being swayed with temptation. The proposal and the "admited" start of the affair are just too close together not to be connected.

If you want to find out if you can go on be sure to insist he tells you absolutely everything. How it started, why it continued, what he was thinking about you while he was involved with her. Admit all the lies and deceit. Had there been any other women.

The one thing worse than wondering what else might have gone on is coming to terms with what you know only to discover it was worse than you initially imagined.

[missnemesis]

The level of trust he has broken IMO is just too big a gap to be bridged.

There'll be a big apology, some sort of grand gesture and all is forgiven. Then when he realises he has 'gotten away with it' this time, chances are he'll do it again.

Move on kat, you deserve better.

[starone]

You will not be able to trust this man again. Every time he goes out you will be wondering what he is doing and who with. Not a very nice way to go through your life. Get rid of him and move on - there are plenty of other men out there looking for a real commitment. You will suffer, of course you will, but he is just not worth the bother.

[pastafreak]

You will never trust him again-nor will he ever have your respect in the same way.
As for being a 'commitment-phobe'-that may have been true if he'd had a panicky one night stand...but this has gone on for almost a year. He's more 'committed' to the other woman than to you. Move on-the sooner the better. Then you can start looking forward.

[pips1]

I took my ex back and tried to forgive and forget, it was hard but I loved him enough to make the huge effort it took, then 5 years down the line he did it again. The second time hurts worse because you know all the hope is gone and the betrayal is immense, sorry kat but that is the deal, if I can survive you can, my thoughts are with you.

[RATTER15]

I was a fool to take my first wife back after the first affair, I went through hell and back with it. She done it again!!

[joggerjayne]

Well, perhaps he's got it out of his system.

Stupid.

Didloyal.

A rat.

But ... if you love each other ...

... take a deep breath, and move forward together.

You have the rest of your lives ahead of you. Hopefully ... together.

[Sqad]

So an OH has had an affair.

Devastating for you, but in the widest sense, not an uncommon situation.

Don't most people have "skeletons" in the cupboard ?

Up to you now.......ABERs cant decide for you.

[Carakeel]

I really feel for you kat! What a dreadful situation to be in. None of us can really know what is best for you, just what we ourselves would do in such a situation. As for me, I'm afraid I would not stay with anyone whom I could not trust! The fact that he had an affair, and one that lasted for a fair while, would for me be the end of things! People often stay together because they are afraid of being on their own. But we all deserve to find happiness in our lives, not just exist beside someone else. Please, value yourself enough to tell your OH to leave and learn to be on your own again. You will have a chance to rediscover how strong you are, to smile again and even meet someone who actually deserves to be with you and who you can love and trust! Life is far too short! Don't waste your time on those who hurt you! They are never worth it!!!