constantly reminded of my inferiority

[mountainboo]

I love my husband dearly. However, I stopped working 3 years ago in order to stay at home and be a full time mother at the request of my husband; so that he could be the bread winner. It worked well for a while and then I decided that I wanted to get a decent education so that eventually I could earn a good wage for us. Whilst my husband has reluctantly supported some of my endeavours financially (which I am very grateful for), he has never offered any emotional support. To the contrary in fact, he sees my efforts as pointless and in his opinion too late in life (I'm 30). I can ignore this negativity as pursuing an education is something that I love doing. What I am finding increasingly harder to cope with is the way he constantly reminds me that he pays for everything; house, bills, furniture, etc and that I have no money.
I have been called a sponger and a parasite in the not too distant past. I feel terrible and very inferior in the relationship. I loathe the fact that I have no money. My son starts school next September, I'm doing a degree and I would happily get a part-time job but I can't do that until next September.
I would hate to portray myself as ungrateful, as I am definitely not.

[Andyvon]

Yes - but where does the young son fit in Welsh? I hear lots of parents talking about themselves but they all seem to expect their children to fit in around them. Surely any parent puts their child before themselves - don't they?

[sherrardk]

I'm not saying it's the case for Mountainboo, but lots of parents don't actually seem to give a stuff about their children, it's really sad.

[starone]

I can't imagine a man treating his wife this way, it must be very hurtful, so I will not say too much about it. The learning situation - you are never too old to learn. I didn't do a degree but I went to many evening classes and did a teaching certificate for typewriting when I was over 30. Teaching in evening classes when the children were young - very rewarding and remunerative. My husband always supported whatever I wanted to do and I often felt I might be called a perpetual student. He looked after the children whenever necessary and he had a full time job himself. Never ever criticised what I did and in fact I would joke "What's his is mine and what's mine's my own". Stand up to him if you can mountain, he should not treat you like that. You should be equal partners in a marriage.

[Andyvon]

I'm pleased you agreed Sherrardk!

Children don't ask to come along but when they do they deserve the best start in life possible. Part of that is having a safe and stable home with their Mum at home for them. Instead, they just seem to be palmed off onto childcare or relatives. If that were done to a pet dog there would be uproar. It seems acceptable for kids to be shunted around though.

[welshlibranr]

Andy, yes of course the little one is very important is all of this, but if the parents are not happy, then he won't be either, his mum needs to take control of her own life, she cannot be dominated by her OH!.....better to be away from him for the child, than in a bad relationship!...

[Andyvon]

Spot on Starbuck! Yours sounds an ideal marriage - like ours. I'm sure most husbands are the same but there's always the others who let themselves and their families down.

[nungate]

I was under the impression that marriage was a partnership. No matter what you are meant to support one and other not undermine them.

[sherrardk]

Hi Andy - when we realised that we couldn't both work and look after our son 'properly' we made the decision to change our lives dramatically. Unfortunately, it didn't work out but things are on the up now. We don't regret the decisions we made and if we hadn't made them we would only have two children (instead of five) and would be as miserable as sin with our jobs and not bing with our children. I don't work and whilst some days I would like a bit more to do with my brain it is brilliant to be in the position that I can stay home with them (even though it has been a horrible time for us over the last couple of years).

[Andyvon]

I agree Welsh. But how often have we posted on threads then discovered that the story wasn't quite as we were led to believe? I hope that's not the case here but perhaps Mountainboo's husband is worried that their son will somehow become unsellted if both parents are not at home. Maybe that is why M's husband is acting like this and not because he's a control freak.

Does your husband have such concerns Mountainboo?

[Andyvon]

Sherradrk!

....and I'll bet your children loved coming home every afternoon to find Mum at home.

[DaisyNonna]

"so that he could be the bread winner" No. So that he could be in control.

Why do you still love this person dearly when he is doing all he can to make you feel worthless? You are neither a sponger nor a parasite. You are definitely not inferior. How would he have reacted if you had produced a daughter rather than a son? Remembering that a child's sex is dependent upon the father.

If he does not want you to work of course he must pay for everything. You are a housekeeper, cook, laundress, cleaner, child minder and presumably sex partner. How much money is that lot worth?

Best of luck with your degree. Education is never wasted.

[welshlibranr]

that's all well and good Andy, and mountainboo is a home every day, but her Oh is making her feel inferior because she is not out earning!.....

[nungate]

WelshL. is right he wants to have his cake and eat it!

[Andyvon]

Daisy -

The OP didn't say her husband called her a sponger and parasite - she says that she was called that in the past. Perhaps the OP was on benefits before she got married and was referred to as that by other people then.

Welsh -

That's unfair if he is making her feel like that for those reasons. Obviously they are very unhappy and I just wonder if comments like that come out during those sorts of arguments. No excuse of course but things are said and taken to heart in the heat of the moment.

We don't know all the details here but I wonder if the matter would look a little different if we heard the husband's side? I'm not saying I don't believe the OP but there are always two sides to every story. How many times have we fallen down that hole on AB?

[DaisyNonna]

"Ideal marriage" How smug!

[welshlibranr]

Andy, sorry, but she should not be feeling that he is in control because he works to pay the bills. she is working just as hard, taking care of the home and child!......he just wants control!............

[tinkerbell23]

I dont agree that mum HAS to be at home to be honest. I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell him to f..k right off...he provides the money....you provide the childcare which without he would not be able to work to get money...therefore he needs you as much as you need him!

Good for you for getting an education, ....i am sure your son is well cared for wheter you are doing a degree or not xxx

[mountainboo]

Thank you all very much for your supportive words. I understand your concerns about how my education will affect my son. He starts school next year and the degree is part-time. Currently I use the short time that he is at pre-school and after he has gone to bed to study.
That's an interesting discussion you were having about children having to fit in around the parents. My husband has always had strong views about parents being there for the children. Our son was soley in our care right up to the age of almost 3.5 by which time we thought it was important for him to get a taste of a school environment. Whilst my husband has always been the earner, up until recently he was running a business from home so our son was lucky enough to have us both present since birth.
Anyway, I think I agree that the only way I will be viewed as an equal to my husband is if I earn money myself.

[ummmm]

He sounds insecure...

Earn your own money and he'll find another way to put you down. Kick him into touch now....

I think I would have slapped my OH if he called me a parasite.....

[starone]

Daisy - Ideal marriage does not mean that you are blissfully happy all the time and that you do not have problems. It means that you are there for each other when there are problems and you work through them together. We were married for sixty three years before he died, two years ago and during that time we had many bad things happen to us as well as good things. He never, ever said hurtful things such as mountain has had said to her and I hope I have done the same. I don't think I could have put up with that kind of thing. Life is hard and you have to have some kind of solid foundation. It does not appear to be in mountain's marriage.