Psychologically, what's the best way to help someone deal with bullying?

[annie0000]

My son who is now 11 has had to deal with bullying over a number of years, the physical and verbal stuff has stopped, but they basically make no attempt to hide that they don't like him and exclude and intimidate him. The main issue is that he doesn't like football!! of all the stupid things to pick on someone for.

Anyway he is off to High School after the summer and has asked us to help him have a fresh start - he doesn't want to go to school with his class and we are attempting to make that happen for him. After a bit of debate, I think we all believe that it is the right thing to do. He does have a small handful of friends and 1 best friend (who is in the same boat as him).

I think it is pointless trying to do anything more to integrate him into the class - it's flogging a dead horse and actually at this point I wouldn't want any of them to be his friends.

What I want to do is give him the confidence to move on and for it to be a successful fresh start for him. I've been telling him just to ignore it and that it doesn't matter and that it is their loss etc. However the difficulty is that it does bloody matter, they are behaving like little sh!tes and it's not fair and I am so bleeding angry I could scream!!!!

Whats the best way for a) me to stop feeling so angry about it so that I can help him better. and b) me to help him come to terms with it, hopefully draw a line under it and move on?

Thanks

[ummmm]

How big is the school?

[annie0000]

200 pupils - 32 in his class Ummmm

[ummmm]

Fairly small then. In larger schools they get separated into bands which means their lessons are rotated. They'd be a good chance he'd barely see them.

I feel for you, I really do :-(

[China Doll]

Is he shy or unsure of himself? These are unfortunately character traits that can be picked on at a young age. Personally I'm not sure there is any best way but I think working on his self esteem and confidence is probably the way forwards so that he feels like he has something to offer other people if that makes sense... if he had a hobby that he was good at, like say horse riding or something, that gves him something to talk about and another aspect to his character too, (I don't know why I suggested horse riding, it's the first thing that came in to my head but you know what I mean).

I'd also say that there are times when you have to be assertive and not be afraid to tell others to bog off; so that you allow yourself to be treated like crap just because you're maybe not as outgoing or confident as some others seem.

Ultimately it's all a moment in time and when he's older none of this will seem so important (hopefully) but this piece of advice is useless as he'd never believe you until it happens... I wouldn't wnat to be a teenager again! ;0)

[annie0000]

Thanks Ummmm - the problem is that he is a nice kid, he is bright, polite, a bit of a geek and with all the bullying before, they felt that he may be borderline for aspergers but think in fact that it is probably anxiety. He is also funny, good company and brilliant at thinking up things to do, unfortuneatley nobody has bothered to find that out. Not being a snob here, cos I was brought up in a really rough council estate, but most of the kids are pretty rough and football seems to be king and if you don't play or aren't any good then you are dismissed from the crowd - this includes all the girls too. The high school will be bigger, and like you say he wont be with the other kids that much, but I would say he is already a marked man in terms of being a target.

[annie0000]

Thanks China, that's exactly it, I know as an adult he will be fine but they are effectively ruining his childhood for no other reason than that they can.

They decided to pick on his younger brother yesterday until he was nearly in tears...I told him the best form of revenge is to live a good life. He then interpreted that into telling me that they next time they start on him he is going to say that he has a tip for them in case they meet up when they are grown up , it is "I will be wanting frys with that!!"

[China Doll]

Ha! He might get lumped for that but there's a part of me that things if you realise that you won't die from a black eye and you at least stood up for yourself then that's something to feel good about... I don't suppose that makes any sense at all! :c)

This is going to sound quite harsh and I don't mean it too but I think another thing your son needs to take on board is that we sometimes allow people to treat us in a certain way (because we have low self esteem or think they might actually have a point or any number of reasons) and sometimes you have to think what you will and won't tolerate and whether you will allow someone to make you feel like a total tit. This is a lesson that you tend to learn in adulthood so a horrible thing to learn as an adolescent but sometimes you also have to take control of a situation and not allow yourself to be treated like the proverbial brown stuff. Unfortunately this is something that comes with confidence and liking yourself so we're back to my point of building up confidence and self esteem in him. He IS bright, he IS funny and he IS intelligent, he has to accept these thngs about himself and that's why I think an outside interest in which he can really shine might do wonders for him.

[annie0000]

Thanks China I do totally agree with you and we have worked hard at boosting his confidence and self esteem but as you say, he wont stand up for himself so it allows them to treat him like a doormat. He does not do that in the house I assure you!!

He does shine at many things, he is talented writer and artist and a bit of a computer buff, unfortunately none of things are prized amongst the nethanderals in his class. The main ringleader in the bullying he had before has been selected to play basketball for the country, so that's what he is competing against... I have to say though I think the main problem now is the girls - it's them who hold the power in the classroom, they like the boys that are good at sports, end of.

I feel like telling them that in 20 years time, those will be the guys that cheat on their women, don't work, drink and gamble and my son and his friend will hopefully be having a happy life with wife, kids, career etc or whatever it is they want to do.

[China Doll]

I was a geek at school, useless at sports ('cept swimming and we didn't have a pool funnily enough!), loved reading, quite bright and not remotely interested in clothes, make-up and any of the other stuff that a lot of my peers were intersted in. I did manage to make friends and several years down the line I've still got two of them. I was a geek at school but at college I was one of the most popular students there because there was a massive amount of geeks at that college! ;0)

[rosamundjohn]

i would change his environment-ask him where he wants to be. Do not let him think he does not fit in. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.

[annie0000]

lol china, I don't want him to change as we love him just the way he his, I'd just like to make his road a wee bit easier. I think that's the plan for High School, our catchment one is big on sport and he is a great swimmer but not good at team sports - not useless either if they gave him a chance, We think we are going to try to get him into another school with a bigger geek Quotient!! Apart from the glasses which he is hoping to exchange for contacts as soon as the optician gives him the go ahead, he actually is quite a trendy looking dude - he has longer hair and I like both boys to have trendy stuff so that they fit in better (that didn't work much though!) This other school has a strict uniform policy though which I like.

Like you, he is reader too which is why his writing is far ahead of his peers I think.

Thankyou so much for your comments and support, I really do appreciate it :o)
That's the

[annie0000]

oops, just noticed you there rosamund, I agree and that's what we aim to do :o)

[rosamundjohn]

you sound to be a very caring person and I am sure you will ensure that he is where he wants to be.

[annie0000]

thanks rosamund - I love my boys more than life itself and I'll do everything I can to help them.....not that they appreciate it!! lol.

[rosamundjohn]

You can sort this out. You are strong, feeling and intelligent and you will ensure that he will be himself.
if you have to be someone else, you are miserable.
Nasty society isn't it?
I know from experience.

[annie0000]

Thaks rosamund - Nasty is the word - hope karma sorts them out :o)

[sherrardk]

Hi Annie, I don't have any insight but just wanted to say I hope everything works out ok for your boy (boy #1 is quite clever and a bit of a know-it-all so I worry about him being bullied now that he is at secondary). Good luck to you all, x

[Brinjal]

I didn't fit in at junior school. Not really bullying but exclusion. I made sure I went to a completely different high school tow where the others were going and I found my place and had a great time at high school.

[ChocolatChip]

Your son seems very mature and sensible Annie, although unfortunately that's probably part of the problem for the bullying. The bullies are probably all neanderthals with their knuckles dragging on the floor!
Normally bully occurs for either one of two reasons (maybe a mix of both!)
1) your son has low self-esteem
2) the bullies have low self-esteem

Unfortunately if you believe it is the latter, there is very little you can do. Other than send your son to a different school or relentlessly harrass the headmaster to do something about the bullying policies they have? (have you asked to see the bullying policy the school has/will have?)

If you think your son may have self-esteem issues I think there are confidence classes you can have. Unfortunately I am unsure of what they are called! :( I don't know if anyone else knows what I'm talking about!?

Theres also a great website for children who are able to talk to trained young volunteers about their experiences of bullying- cybermentors.org.uk

I hope something gets sorted for you and your son!

I was relentlessly bullied at school from the day I walked in to the day I left, and I think I worked out okay! So there is hope afterall! :)

[annie0000]

Thanks Sher I am hoping that High school will give him a wider circle of people with the same interests and the problem will sort itself out - what is it with kids?! Is No# a bit happier now/eating better?

Brinjal - glad it worked out for you, hoping the same tactic works for my boy too. Should find out in the next 6 weeks whether he has a place in another High school.

Chocolatechip, the school the boys go to was traditionally to serve a large council estate - very similar to the one I was brought up in but in a different city. They built a new estate nearby - where we live. The classes have gradually become more mixed as more people have moved in and chosen to send their kids to the local school. It is good school. Unfortunately at the top of the school, there is less of an even split so my son and his few friends stand out more and to be fair, they are not part of the same community - we have never allowed him to cross the main road and to play in the other estate as there a lot of drugs and general undesirables hanging about. I know that sounds really snobby, but we have both worked very hard all our lives to give our kids a better start than we had and he was allowed to have the kids over to ours to play - a couple of his friends are from the estate and are lovely kids.

In terms of self esteem, I would say it's both, we have been working on his, as have the school - he was selected together with a few other kids to do some specific outdoor activities to boost their confidence and prepare them for High school. He has also cut himself off a bit too as he and his best friend are obsessed with a particular computer game and spend most of their time talking about that and as it's not one of the violent war games that the rest of them are allowed to play and that he is not allowed.

I'll have a look for some classes for him and see if he want s to give that website a go - thank you for that.

I think they have that Learning Tree thingy coming up soon and a residential with his class at an outdoor centre which he is looking forward to but I hope is not a disaster.

he goes to scouts and enjoys outdoor activities and canoeing, climbing etc so hopefully it will give him an opportunity to show them that there is more to him than they think.

Thanks for all your best wishes and I am glad to hear that there are some success stories :o)