News0 min ago
Puns are awful but poetry's verse!
1. Two thirsty travellers in the Australian outback find a small homestead called Marcy. They are desperate for a drink. The homesteader offers them Koala Tea. When it comes, it is thick, green and hairy. "This is disgusting," says one traveller. "Well," says the homesteader, "The koala tea of Marcy isn't strained!"
2. Two painters are decorating a church when they start running low on paint. They decide to add some water to make it stretch further. They soon find they're getting short again and add more water. They have to do this a few times before they finish but the job looks really shoddy.
Just then there is a flash of lightning and a voice booms down from heaven: "Repaint and thin no more!"
3. A traveller stops at monastery. He is hungry and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asks. "No. I'm the chip monk," he replies.
4. A nudist and a philosopher having a chat. Philosopher: "Have you read Marx?" Nudist: "It's the wicker chairs!"
5. I entered a joke competition. It asked for a clever pun. I sent in 10 sure one of them would win. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
6. Since my friend had the digits on his foot removed, I've found him annoying. Perhaps I'm just lack toes intolerant?
7. I came home from holiday to find the bin men at the house. One was a cockney. He asked me, “Where's yer bin?” I said I'd been to Mauritius.
“No. Where's yer weely bin?”
“Well I've really been to Brighton but don't tell the neighbours.”
8. A hearse is making its way up a steep hill to the cemetery. The back door flies open and the casket slides out. It hurtles through the window of a chemist shop and slides across the counter. A ghostly voice calls out, “Have you anything to stop me coughin'?”
9. Did you know that people tend to tell worse puns as they get older?
That's why we call them groan-ups.
10. The musical director, annoyed the oboist couldn't keep time, shot him. Arrested and tried, he was sentenced to the electric chair. When they pulled the switch nothing happened.
“I guess I'm a bad conductor,” he agreed.
2. Two painters are decorating a church when they start running low on paint. They decide to add some water to make it stretch further. They soon find they're getting short again and add more water. They have to do this a few times before they finish but the job looks really shoddy.
Just then there is a flash of lightning and a voice booms down from heaven: "Repaint and thin no more!"
3. A traveller stops at monastery. He is hungry and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asks. "No. I'm the chip monk," he replies.
4. A nudist and a philosopher having a chat. Philosopher: "Have you read Marx?" Nudist: "It's the wicker chairs!"
5. I entered a joke competition. It asked for a clever pun. I sent in 10 sure one of them would win. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
6. Since my friend had the digits on his foot removed, I've found him annoying. Perhaps I'm just lack toes intolerant?
7. I came home from holiday to find the bin men at the house. One was a cockney. He asked me, “Where's yer bin?” I said I'd been to Mauritius.
“No. Where's yer weely bin?”
“Well I've really been to Brighton but don't tell the neighbours.”
8. A hearse is making its way up a steep hill to the cemetery. The back door flies open and the casket slides out. It hurtles through the window of a chemist shop and slides across the counter. A ghostly voice calls out, “Have you anything to stop me coughin'?”
9. Did you know that people tend to tell worse puns as they get older?
That's why we call them groan-ups.
10. The musical director, annoyed the oboist couldn't keep time, shot him. Arrested and tried, he was sentenced to the electric chair. When they pulled the switch nothing happened.
“I guess I'm a bad conductor,” he agreed.
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I love puns. In the 60s/70s there was a radio panel game called My Word, starring Frank Muir and Dennis Norden. The highlight of the show came at the end when the two stars, who had been given a phrase at the beginning had to tell long shaggy dog stories ending in the most excruciating pun on the words they had been given.
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