TV1 min ago
House of the rising pun
81. Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.
82. One entrepreneur says to another: "I've just been in the Far East prospecting for gold." "Japan?" asks the second entrepreneur. "Gosh, no," he replies. "I used much more scientific methods."
83. Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush.
84. I went to work for a newspaper was surprised when a man rushed in brandishing a rolled up newspaper and proceeded to strike the office workers about the head before rushing out.
“What's all that about?” I asked.
“Ignore him, he's only the head hitter,” was the reply.
85. At the field athletics championships, a man picked up a steel ball on a length of chain and started eating it.
“What's all that about?” I asked.
“Ignore him, he's only a hammer chewer,” was the reply.
86. At the pet shop I saw a parrot painting a picture with a brush held in its beak.
“That's clever,” I said.
“Oh, it's only a polly Titian,” was the reply.
87. Our vicar loves gardening but I thought he was taking the Saint Michael when I showed him my blighted salad crop.
“Lettuce spray,” he opined.
88. Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs!
89. Confuscious,he say, “Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.”
90. News is coming in of a group of sticky-fingered thieves who apparently get a buzz out of breaking into a bee-keeper's yard and stealing the honey. Police are organizing a sting operation to catch them as they make a bee-line for their next target. It is hoped they will learn to behive themselves, or else they'll end up spending a night in the cells.
82. One entrepreneur says to another: "I've just been in the Far East prospecting for gold." "Japan?" asks the second entrepreneur. "Gosh, no," he replies. "I used much more scientific methods."
83. Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush.
84. I went to work for a newspaper was surprised when a man rushed in brandishing a rolled up newspaper and proceeded to strike the office workers about the head before rushing out.
“What's all that about?” I asked.
“Ignore him, he's only the head hitter,” was the reply.
85. At the field athletics championships, a man picked up a steel ball on a length of chain and started eating it.
“What's all that about?” I asked.
“Ignore him, he's only a hammer chewer,” was the reply.
86. At the pet shop I saw a parrot painting a picture with a brush held in its beak.
“That's clever,” I said.
“Oh, it's only a polly Titian,” was the reply.
87. Our vicar loves gardening but I thought he was taking the Saint Michael when I showed him my blighted salad crop.
“Lettuce spray,” he opined.
88. Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs!
89. Confuscious,he say, “Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.”
90. News is coming in of a group of sticky-fingered thieves who apparently get a buzz out of breaking into a bee-keeper's yard and stealing the honey. Police are organizing a sting operation to catch them as they make a bee-line for their next target. It is hoped they will learn to behive themselves, or else they'll end up spending a night in the cells.
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