Daughter in law addressing cards from her and my son to me as "First Name"/mum

[Anngel123]

Hello all
this question goes out to any ABers under 30. My son's girlfriend of 8 years has never sent me a card of any sort to me herself. However, when she sends cards jointly from my son and her she always addresses them to Mum/"my first name". She didn't sign my birthday "Mum" card this year. Our Christmas card (to me and my husband) was addressed Mum and Dad , "My First Name"and My husband's first name". Is this normal? I find it quite hurtful. I know I am not her actual mother. However, yesterday, she and my son got married. I really love this girl. She is perfect for my son and we get on well. They sent a thank you card addressed to Mum and Dad, "my first name" "husband's first name". I think she is being really ridiculous. I don't want any more cards signed like this really. It just makes me disappointed. As a bit of background, her mother divorced from her father when she was 18 months. She doesn't refer to her stepdad as dad....and gets quite irate when my husband refers to her parents, meaning her mum and stepdad. Where I come from parenting is not just about who is your genetic parent... Sorry this is such a rant. I would thank you for your comments.

[NOX]

I'm 51 and to be honest I don't see anything disrespectful in the way she has addressed the card. It's up to the individual sending it, not the recipient how they are addressed and it all seems very warm and nice and my kids gf's and bf's sometimes do the same. You are not her Mum so addressing something to either 'Mum Helen' and 'Dad Steve' or 'Mum and Dad Helen and Steve' is perfectly fine in my opinion. I'm assuming that's something like it's addressed from your post?

[anneasquith]

under 30. sigh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anngel123]

Thanks Nox. I was asking people under 30. More to see if this is standard for young people. When I got married, in the early 80s, it didn't even occur to me not to call my mother in law mum...but I suspect that was just me. She was an older mother though.

[China Doll]

I don't understand the problem... I would write cards to my other halfs mum as dear <her name>, I wouldn't refer to her as 'mum', if the cards from both of us then other half will write mum... I think I'm not seeing the problem.

[sherrardk]

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I don't think I would want to be called mum by any of my childrens future partners (because I wouldn't be their mother). I think you should be grateful that your son has found someone who he loves and who you say is perfect for him (and who bothers to send you cards).

[B00]

I think she is being really ridiculous

Sorry, but I think you are!

Fancy getting into tizzy because she doesn't call you mum! I'm with her, you're not her mum, so she doesn't need, nor should she be made to feel like she's, to call you mum.

She obviously likes you, maybe loves too, isn't that enough?

[ladybirder]

So what do you want her to call you? Mum or your christian name?

[TWR]

With respect Ann, be thankfull that she thinks of you & your husband like that, look at what you have said! As a bit of background, her mother divorced from her father when she was 18 months. that should indicate what bad memories she has.

[pretty_snowdrop]

I don't call my MIL mum, i call her by her name. However if i am writing a card i will write, to mum love 'his name' and 'my name'.

[China Doll]

I would never call the mother of my other half 'mum'. She is not my mother. And just because I marry in to that family does not mean I call her 'mum' out of respect; I fully respect her but she's not my mother.

Equally when my mother signs cards of to me and my fella, she signs them 'mum' and then puts her name in brackets. I think you're being grossly oversensitive. And to spin it on its head, your son should be writing cards to you and not your daughter in law, then they would say 'mum'.

[Anngel123]

China Doll, that's what I think. The joint card...addressed by my son, but signed by both of them.

[chi-chi66]

when mini~me other half(for 9 years) sends me a card he puts my name,
when he sends me a txt it can be mum/name, mum, or name.
It does'nt offend me either way.

Have you spoken to her, maybe she is'nt aware of how you feel, and she
is'nt sure what you would like to be called anyway.

[China Doll]

Ps: I'm only a couple of years over 30... :c)

[snags]

''And just because I marry in to that family''

Hang on... for funks sake, who mentioned marriage?

[Anngel123]

China, if she had sent cards just from here, I am happy to have them signed to my christian name. She calls me by my christian name. I just think it strange that the joint cards have this strange way of addressing...see snowdrop's reply, I am obviously not alone.

[ladybirder]

Just be glad you get a card. I think you are making a fuss over nothing. I'm sure no disrespect is intended.

[Anngel123]

Snags...I did mention she was just married to my son. Swearing is unnecessary, just changing the spelling is infantile but still recognisable.

[snags]

For what it's worth I agree with ladybirder.

[China Doll]

Like I said, if its her remembering to do the joint cards then really the problem is not with her, your son should be writing to them. I may buy a lot of the cards in this house (by virtue of the fact I walk past two card shops on the way home) but I'm buggered if I'm writing them for all of his family... and if I have to then they're getting the cards in their christian names so they know whos actually making the effort! Like I said, not your daugher in law at fault.

[NOX]

I know I'm not under 30, I only answered because I have experience of the same thing from my kids who ARE under 30. My children in law either call me 'Padraig' usually or occasionally 'Dad' but the former is far more usual, and sometimes I get cards from my son's girlfriend's kids to GrandaddyPaddy (lol), doesn't offend me in the least that they don't just put Grandad, I can't see what you are so upset about.