Advice needed

[sheri1980]

Hi everyone, I need some help please. I'm 32 been with my husband 15 years, married 9 yrs with 3 children. He has been off work for 4 years now with anxiety and depression.
We struggle a lot on benefits, it's awful, I hate having to claim them but have no option at the moment as he can't look after the kids do I can work and I can't work as I have to literally do everything at home. I am miserable, well beyond that now, if I could I would leave.
But I love my children, they need a stable home with both parents! I can't share them, I would rather die than spend time away from them!! If we separated then I would have to have shared custody and that would be hell for me!! They are my life.
My husband says I'm selfish wanting him to work, as he is too anxious to work and I should not expect him to, it's not fair on him.
Am I being selfish? After 4 years should I still be supportive of him? Can I not at least expect him to be getting better and going back to work, I feel like I'm the bad one, in the wrong as I called him selfish for putting what he wants before us, I told him he has a responsibility to us and he needs to work. Am I wrong?? Because I feel wrong now.
I feel life passing me by, I want to smile, have fun, be happy but my marriage makes me miserable.
I want to leave him, but can't because of my children, then I truly am the selfish one!
It's like he just looks at life all negative, "I'm tired, I feel sick today, this hurts, that hurts" it's all negative. It's wearing me down and now I can't even be sympathetic because after 4 years I've kinda had enough.
Am I really awful??? Xx

[Eve]

Has he gone for any help for his anxiety and depression? Spoken to anyone or gone for counselling/therapy or tried medication?

[ummmm]

No, you're not awful.

Do you really think your kids are happy with you being so unhappy? Staying together for the sake of the children can actually be harder for the children than if you split.

There's no stigma attached to being a single parent anymore. You 'probably' won't have to share custody either.

[boxtops]

I sympathise with you - but from the other side. Having suffered with anxiety and depression in the past, I know how you get into a mindset that you can't do things, it's all not worth it - and you have to want to get better, to lift yourself out of it, to make life worth living again.

What treatment has he had, is he still under the GP, has he seen a counsellor or therapist? Four years is a long time, but it's not an impossible time - I was under the burden for longer than that, but I did eventually seek help, and hypnotherapy helped. It's a long slow haul back up, and I know I wasn't easy to live with during that time. It's tedious and frustrating for the partner but to the sufferer, it's as real as having a bad leg, and you can't see a way out of it. Nagging, I'm sorry to say, doesn't help - encouragement helps.

You're not wrong in the way you feel, but he has to want to get better and if he was like me, these things seem insurmountable. He needs professional help before this goes on any longer, or it may never change. IMO.

[sheri1980]

Yes he has has lots of different meds and counselling, cbt etc, nothing worked or helped so he stopped the meds.

I kno I wouldn't have to share custody, but for the kids sake I would as they should have equal access to each of us. I just couldn't bare to be apart even for a day from them, and I also couldn't bare to turn they're world upside down for my own sake, I couldn't do it as I would b selfish, putting my needs before theirs.
They are all very happy, healthy and fabulous kids. They do see I am sad at times, me and hubby don't argue as such, I tend to keep my thoughts to myself or if we need a discussion it's when they r at school.
I just feel at a loss as to what I am supposed to do, how can I get a job with 3 kids, 1 I am breast feeding (6 month old) and am up half the night with as he is a poor sleeper, and a house to run, and a depressed and anxious husband.
Surely I am allowed to expect some improvement after 4 years.
I am depressed now and feel miserable a lot, if j didn't have my beautiful baby to keep me sane I would give up I think x

[ummmm]

My parents split when I was 8. I absolutely adored my dad. My world wasn't turned upside down. A couple of months were turned upside down. My relationship with my dad didn't change, in fact it got better, he had to put more effort in.

Sometimes you need to put yourself first. This is your life, not just your kids, you get one shot.

[NoMercy]

Please don't berate me here, but is he really anxious and depressed or just a victim of his own self-pity. After four years of counselling and meds there's been no improvement? I can't help but feel that as far as he's concerned, it's all about him and not his family.

Have you tried issuing him with an ultimatum?

[sheri1980]

I just keeping thinking, sharing birthdays and Christmases, not being there for them as they are at they're dads.
Sat alone at home without my kids as they are with they're dad.
Makes me feel sick! I don't want to be parted from them ever, I couldn't bare it.
They are my life, I couldn't share them.
So I have no choice but to stay with their dad, I just don't know what to do as our situation seems impossible.
I find myself shutting down to him, building my wall to protect myself from him hurting me more, if I don't care then it won't hurt I guess.
I know money isn't everything, but when I'm wearing my daughters size 4 shoes and I'm a size 5 coz I can't afford any for me, and I'm wearing bras I bought from a car boot for 10p each that are 2 sizes too small and I'm breast feeding, money does matter! Xx

[anneasquith]

its a great pity he has stopped taking his medication, i wonder if he would consider seeing his gp again ? i do wonder if you should also seek assistance from your gp, it must be very difficult for you, would you both consider a visit to relate ?

[boxtops]

NoM, I know where you are coming from and you may well be right, but if sheri's husband's where I was, an ultimatum does no good, you can't see the way out of the slough of despond in which you've sunk yourself. He needs to want to do it - sheri needs him to understand the way his state of mind is affecting his family. What caused it, sheri (although we don't always know, it just comes)?
Does he have to have health checks to remain on benefits so long?
Does he go out, have male friends? It's very easy to get trapped indoors in a rut, and not see anyway out of it. I know, I was there.

[ummmm]

Being parted from them isn't as bad as you imagine. I've split from my kids dad. He had them every other weekend. That weekend I had 'me' time. You've probably forgotten what 'me' time feels like.

[sheri1980]

No mercy, I put this to him today, that he has a responsibility to us as his family to look after us, and I was told that I am selfish for expecting him to go out to work when he can't due to anxiety, and that he can't help it.
So now I am questioning myself, am I in the wrong, should I continue to support him?? Or can I now stand up and say, 4 years is too long. My life is passing me by! I used to be beautiful, a model and a dancer, I now never put on make up as I have no decent clothes to make me feel good about how I look so I just don't bother, which makes me so sad! I'm 32, still look young, but I just feel wasted!

[sheri1980]

He was deemed fit for work in February so is now on job seekers, but can only look for work where he is on his own as he loses his temper very rapidly! He throws things and kicks stuff, not people, as he gets anxious and stressed in difficult situations.
He has no friends, as they all left him to it when he got down, he goes fishing sometimes, but just seats at home a lot.
We can't have marriage counselling as we can't afford it, it's £26 a session and we don't even have £2 a week spare.
He doesn't want to take more meds as all the others he took, about 4 different ones, didn't help at all.
With regards to sharing custody, it wouldn't b every other wk d tho, we r talking 3-4 days each week, 50/50 shared time with them. As he is as much they're parent as I am, I couldn't just let them see him once every 2 weeks, they would hate that. My friend shares 50/50 with her ex and she has shared her experience with me, she hates every second away from them, she says it's her living hell, as I'm sure it would be for me :(

[ummmm]

I don't know what you want to hear. You say you're unhappy and you want to leave; then you say you won't leave.

I know it must be very difficult.

[sheri1980]

I don't really know what caused it, it's been so long, but it probably had a lot to do with his mum, she put a lot of pressure on him to help her in her new house with kitchen and DIY as his dad had died, plus work and family life, it just seemed to happen.
I've had severe depression in the past, I would shut myself away from everyone, and it took meds and self help to get me well again, I wanted to be well for my girls, I made myself get better. But he can't see that, he is negative all the time, " he feels I'll, or he is tired, or his back hurts".
I just can't sympathise anymore and I feel bad as I'm his wife and I should support him, but I'm just so worn out now, I feel broken I guess, but selfish too as it shouldn't be about me.

[ummmm]

It's not selfish. It's your life too.

[sheri1980]

I mean I want to leave but cant, and I just wanted a different persons perspective, I feel I'm not being unreasonable in that I need him to work and get us out of this awful situation relying on benefits, which is just impossible.
But I am made to feel selfish for this, and like I'm in the wrong, do I even have the right to feel like we deserve better and that he should support us.

[NoMercy]

Sheri, I think you've supported him long enough. He's not responded to treatment and is reluctant to continue with any further treatment. Do you get the impression that he doesn't even want to try to get his life back in order?

At what point are you going to stop letting him drag you down?

You only have one life!

[ummmm]

How old are the children?

[craft1948]

Hi ummmm..............

[sheri1980]

We have 2 girls aged 12 and 9 and a baby boy aged 6 and half months, who was very much not planned and a big surprise, I was mortified, I really am not one of these people who has kids for benefits, he just happened bless him, but is very much loved.