what would you suggest the best course of action?

[JaneDoe2]

This is my first post and I apologise for it being so heavy but I would really appreciate some opinions of a family situation. I had a difficult childhood due to my mother being medicated during much of my teenage years and also drinking very heavily. I won’t go into it as this would become a novel but after a particularly bad episode about 8 years ago I decided not to have anything more to do with her it was easy as I lived miles away. Following a family ‘event’ last year and moving within an hour of her home I decided I was mature enough to face this woman who had caused so much pain and forgive but not forget. Since then I have visited on a weekly basis . But she is still up to her old tricks: Talking about everyone behind their backs (and me no doubt) and playing one family member off against another. It is her birthday in a month and I happened to meet a relative last week who mentioned mother was being taken out to dinner for her birthday. As I wanted to do something as well, I rang her to see when she would be free and she said it was just **** and **** taking her out for a meal on the evening before her birthday as her birthday present. This was good because I wanted to take her for lunch to her fav. place on her birthday. However, today I have spoken to my daughter who informed me they (hubby and grandchildren) have been invited to this meal as have my sister, brother and his family and even my sisters MIL but not us. I feel very annoyed and stupid and really don’t know how to play this one
Go in all guns blazing and ask her why we've been left out : She’s in her 80’s is this right?
Ignore it rise above it and carry on and get all those feelings back from years ago
Cool off this renewed relationship and have nothing more to do with her (tempting)
It took a great deal of gumption to renew contact with her.. Sorry for the length of this first post but would like some unbiased advice please.

[2sp_]

Personally I would cool off the relationship and cut her off again.

You've tried (which is more than most would do), she's not changed and never will.

Life is too short to spend any of it with people that are toxic.

[Tilly2]

Have all those people been invited by your mother or by one of the two people who she said are taking her out?
Maybe she doesn't know about the other invitations...........a birthday surprise?

[sherrardk]

I'm with 2sp on this. You have tried to have a relationship with her and she is now treating you badly again. Leave her to it and spend time with the people that value you.

[JaneDoe2]

Hi Tilly. Its not a surprise party. My daughter had been at mothers house at the weekend and got the invite from her and was told 'everyone else' was going. She (mother) called me today to see if I was going to take her shopping tomorrow and when i asked about the meal was told a pack of lies that it was a birthday present from two friends and they were going to it just the three of them . Then this afternoon my daughter told me they'd been invited and was surprised when I knew nothing about it. Oh and I've checked to make sure there are not two meals : same pub same day same time. I've told her not to say to anyone that I know about it. I want to cancel this trip I have arranged for her birthday , I have had to take the day off work and now I just feel sick. she is Toxic but I thought I'd risen above it but what happens to you as a child sticks and its all coming back ;-(

[Tilly2]

Surely your Mother knows that your daughter would tell you about a party.

I would ask her what she's playing at.

[boxtops]

Is her memory OK, she's not forgotten she hasn't asked you? Ask her - or ask your daughter to ask her gran why you've not been invited, just as part of a conversation.

[JaneDoe2]

Tilly: I have no idea what goes on in her brain that she would think daughter would not mention this family meal and knowing her past history wonder if I'm supposed to find out. I am going to ask daughter to ask where we are when she and her family go for this meal and see what she says

boxtops: her memory is fine she told me at lunchtime it was a meal with two friends yet she invited other family members last weekend

Thanks for the input sometimes writing things down helps. I'm no further forward really but realise she needs to know I know about the meal indirectly or directly then go from there.

[2sp_]

I'm sorry to say it, but she (your mother) just sounds cruel.

I wouldn't waste any more energy trying to find out what she's playing at. Her behaviour is making you ill, best thing you can do is walk away.

Surround yourself with family and friends that love and respect you. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you should keep them in your life no matter what stunts they pull.

[sherrardk]

Ring her up and ask her what she is playing at. Then cancel her birthday trip and spend the day doing something nice for yourself with your family or friends. She sounds manipulative and cruel.

[boxtops]

Just because people are in their 80s doesn't mean they can't still be mean and vindictive.

[Tilly2]

You could just turn up anyway and play her at her own game.

[Mamyalynne]

No way could I just ignore this, calmly and simply explain your hurt and disappointment at first being lied to and second not invited, then make your decision re the long term relationship if any with your mother.

[cathfromsaron]

sorry to hear this, i would defo 'read the writing on the wall' and not make so much effort in future!

[Anngel]

This sounds like a nightmare to you. I am surprised that your daughter wants anything to do with someone who is so nasty to her Mum. I'm with Sherrard on this. Ring up and face her with your knowledge. There is a saying "you can choose your friends but not your relatives". This bears it out I think.

[Brinjal]

Shame Jane how very hurtful. I would ask her out right why you are not invited and I would also cancel the outing for her birthday. We need to let go of hurtful things in our lives for our own well being and if that happens to be your mother so be it because all the nastiness is hurting you not her.

[Brinjal]

Shame Jane how very hurtful. I would ask her out right why you are not invited and I would also cancel the outing for her birthday. We need to let go of hurtful things in our lives for our own well being and if that happens to be your mother so be it because all the nastiness is hurting you not her.

[Kassee]

I would ignore it altogether. I wouldn't give her the benefit of asking why you hadn't been invited - I wouldn't want to know what goes on in her silly mind. I certainly wouldn't go in "all guns blazing" - what would that achieve? Rise above it - however hurtful it is. I certainly wouldn't take her out on her birthday tho. I would forget her birthday, and cut back on your visits.

On your birthday, or for Christmas have a big family get together or a meal out together - and forget to invite her.

[JaneDoe2]

Thank you very much for everyone's replies. I originally recontacted M as I felt sorry for her on her own at her age. This is a woman that has manipulated me as a teenager, turned one child (said daughter) partially against me and totally alienated my son who will now have nothing to do with her. She constantly gossips behind everyone's back and when I eventually cut all contact she sent letters to each of my friends telling them how horrible I was (they all phoned me and told me straight away). My daughter keeps contact purely for the money M throws at her. I am now a strong person but she seems to have this horrible effect on me. This may sound stupid but the song by Kelly Clarkson 'because of you' could have been written for me . Anyway, following your replies I am going to cool down this relationship. I am not going to make any fuss over the invite as this would tell her I'm upset, which I am but I'm not going to let her know that. I have a lovely family and OH's family are fantastic so don't need this manipulative ***** in my life. Thank-you so much x

[droopydrawers]

I agree let her get on with her lies and nasty gossiping ways.....and I would NOT be taking her shopping tomorrow.

Let her stew in her own juice.....DD