Mental Infertility

[emma_llew]

I'm wondering, is there a proper term for people who don't have the mental capability to have children?
I class myself as mentally infertile, but it's a term I've coined myself because I've never known what else to call it. There are many reasons why I can't have children. I'll list a few;

I suffer with major depression amongst other depression related illnesses and I would never want to risk passing that down to a child, be it through genes or through social interaction with it.
I've never had that maternal instinct that other women have.
I am not mentally well enough to look after myself, let alone a child. It would be selfish and irresponsible to even entertain the idea.

I must note that I am actually physically able to give birth.

It troubles me because people do n't understand how I can feel this way, yet I've never known the name for it to be able to look up anything online about it. I've only managed to find one entry about it by typing in 'mental infertility' on Google and I found one woman who gave the exact same reasons as me.

Is it a disorder? Or is there just a term for it that I can had to help find more info about it?
I would SO appreciate any help. Thank you in advance.

[Barmaid]

You don't have mental infertility, you have made a choice for your own understandable reasons.

I actually think that by assessing things in such self effacing detail, you have demonstrated that you are not in the least bit "mentally infertile" and have made that choice based on what you think is best for you and your non-offspring. None of the conditions you mention would prevent you having a child.

Don't spend too much time trying to label it.

[emma_llew]

I've only tried to label it because it's hard to type things into search engines to try to find any related results. It's really difficult. I guessed that someone must have come up with some shortened term for 'being mentally incapable of having children and also non maternal'. I do understand completely how it's been my choice.

[BiffyBee]

Depression cannot be passed down via your genes.
It can be passed down by your upbringing of the child though.

[emma_llew]

BiffyBee, with the way that I am on a daily basis, I know that it would be almost certain to pass down through the child's upbringing.

[Barmaid]

I can't have kids. For about 20 years I didn't want them anyway - for whatever reason. I didn't try and label it other than "it wouldn't be right for me".

[sherrardk]

You don't need to label it. Presumably those closest to you are aware of your depression and related illnesses. I think you are very selfless to have made the decision not to have children based on your depression.

[dotty.]

what a massively complex question, have you had counselling to discuss all of the issues you mention?

[NOX]

Depression is not that uncommon- even life changing major depression. I suffer from it myself. I have a large family, most of whom have grown up and in some cases now have some children of their own. Whilst it wasn't easy, none of my kids suffer from depression or any form of mental illness, although nurture does indeed often trigger someone's depression ( as it did in my case), so you have a very valid concern about having children.
I don't believe there is a term for it ( certainly not 'mental infertility'), you have simply made a choice like anyone else.

[emma_llew]

Maybe if there was some sort of site or online forum for people in the same position to discuss their thoughts, it would help.
I've never known anyone in the same position and have always been made to feel like an alien for making that choice.

[emma_llew]

Thank you, sherrardk.
Most people think it's completely selfish to not have children. Like as if I'm alive myself and don't care about bringing any other life into the world. That's very kind of you to say and it's exactly what I've always tried to make people see.

[emma_llew]

I have had therapy for depression and am on medication. I've never discussed this choice because it's something thag I'm personally completely fine about. It's only other people who have a problem with it.

[Barmaid]

I think that "most people" do not think it is selfish to not want children. Of course it is not selfish. Given your reasons, it is selfless, not selfish.

[emma_llew]

Thank you, Barmaid. I'm actually shocked at how you're all saying I'm selfless. I guess by 'most people', I mean most people around me who I've spoken to about it, which is an awful shame.

[Iluvspikey]

It annoys me that some people see that having children is a right and it isn't, it's a privilage, and to me you are definitely not selfish, your selfless as you recognise what's best for you. For what ever reason you don't want children, is nobody's business but your own, and you shouln't have to label it. women who go on churning out kids they can not or care not to bring up to see them go into care, they are the selfish ones, not you. It isn't a disorder, it's a lifestyle choice.

[woofgang]

I knew a lady whose husband's family had a history of the most sad mental health problems(not learning difficulty). He himself was free of them but had decided that as there was a risk that the condition was probably at least partially inherited he had decided that he would not have children. His wife was like me, not maternal, so it wasn't a problem. He was (is) a lovely man.
Have you searched under "childless by choice" which is how I used to describe myself when i was young enough for people to feel that they had a right to be nosey. Another tag used now seems to be "childless by circumstance.
Here's an interesting website.
http://gateway-women.com

btw I absolutely understand and support your attitude.

[Barmaid]

I think you need to move away from the idea that you have some form of "disorder" and get with the idea that you are a sensible woman.

[EDDIE51]

' Childless' still carries a stigma the prefered term now is 'Child Free'

[woofgang]

Personally I don't prefer childfree I think that has different connotations.

[EDDIE51]

There is even a 'Child Free' web site and forum

http://thechildfreelife.com/

[sherrardk]

In my twenties I was adamant that I wasn't going to have any children and I was viewed as unusual (to put it mildly). Your family and friends, who should know you best, will understand your reasons and should support you. Lots of people choose not to have chidren for a variety if reasons. Move away from labelling it and get on with enjoying your life.