I think there are different levels of depression.
I am 63 years old, worked for an IT company for 30 years, now retired on a good pension, loving wife, wife and I healthy, 4 healthy children, owe my own house (mortgage paid off) and a relative died a year ago and left me £200,000 (which is sitting in the bank).
Plenty to be happy about eh !
But I have been "depressed" for much of my adult life. I dont mean clinically depressed but constantly feeling life is not worth it and feelings of suicide.
I dont enjoy life, I dont enjoy being with other people, I feel no happiness when I achieve anythng (so have given up doing things), holidays are more trouble than they are worth and so on.
I worry about EVERYTHING (I cant enjoy anything for what it is, I have to worry about it).
When I worked in IT I constantly worried if I was going a good job, if what I was doing was the right thing. I got plenty of awards and promotions, but still worried all the time if what I did was good. Everything I created at work had to be PEREFCT and if it was not I got very upset and depressed.
Last year, when I got the money from the relative, I took 5 family members on a holiday to Mexico for a week. In the weeks leading up to it I worried like mad if I had bought all the right stuff to take, how the holiday was going to go, what could go wrong, I worried about losing my pasport at the airport, losing our luggage. Once got there I could not wait to get home.
When life is like that it is HARD WORK and you just want to get away from it.
I am constantly "planning" my suicide in my head. In this recent snowy weather I thought about driving up to a remote part of Scotland, getting out my car and just walking till I collapsed in the snow where no one could find me and die on the spot
But I bet most people who met me, or those that know me, would have no idea I am so depressed inside. All the external signs are that I am OK.
I spoke to my eldest son (35) a few weeks ago about feeling down and he was totally surprised and had no idea so it does not show.
Of course when he and his wife and 2 young children come to visit we put on a nice meal and we all have a great time. What he does not realise is the worry I go through leading up to it, choosing the food to buy, getting the house tidy and so on, everyting has to be RIGHT.
Then ALL the time they are here I worry if they are enjoying themselves and if I am saying the right things, if I am playing with the grand children enough and so on. After they have been here a few hours I cant wait for them to go so I can crash out on the bed from the mental exhaustion of having them (or anyone else) here.
That is what life is like for me. I just dont enjoy it and cant wait for it to end.