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Mother In Law Is A Night Mare
54 Answers
hi everyone. my mother in law is causing so many arguments in our house that it's is ridiculous!
she is 56, widowed sadly 14 yrs ago, has a bf who lives in his own house, the has her in house, decent amount if money, doesn't work, nice car but has had depression for years.
now, she just doesn't bother, she doesn't call, come round, see the kids, pretty much ignores the baby, won't ask to hold or cuddle him.
every excuse under the sun we get if we ask for any kind of help.
her son my hubby has severe depression and anxiety, hasn't worked due to this for few yrs and I help care fir him as he gets quite bad sometimes.
she won't come round and help at all with the kids or house or help me in any way cope with what is happening.
she will make excuses not to come over, or not to help if I ask which is very very rare. we have Been without a car now for a week, nearest town is 5 miles away, we have a baby and had no milk, a sick animal too. I asked her to take me to the vets so he could be seen and she said she had to b at the charity shop she volunteers in in 2 hrs and she couldn't let them down. but can let us down???
we have nothing, literally some weeks we have £40 shopping money. yet she complains about £7k going out of her account in 2 months, I don't even have that in a year.
it's her money of course but our life us hell, she could help but doesn't, I had to walk 10 miles today to take our pet to the vet!!
she expects her son to help her do stuff but does nothing to help in return.
I had to spend £8 on a taxi to get our daughter from school as she was being bullied, mil wouldn't take me to get her as she was already in town!
she also said the other day that she doesn't know y she bothers coming Iverson * on rare occasions she does) coz 1 daughter just sits upstairs and the other runs round like a Looney. we do gave a baby too but she makes no reference to him. like get doesn't exist sometimes.
she makes no effort for her beautiful family, she is blessed with so much, more than most can dream of, why is she like thus???
my husband won't say anything to coz he will feel guilty!
she is 56, widowed sadly 14 yrs ago, has a bf who lives in his own house, the has her in house, decent amount if money, doesn't work, nice car but has had depression for years.
now, she just doesn't bother, she doesn't call, come round, see the kids, pretty much ignores the baby, won't ask to hold or cuddle him.
every excuse under the sun we get if we ask for any kind of help.
her son my hubby has severe depression and anxiety, hasn't worked due to this for few yrs and I help care fir him as he gets quite bad sometimes.
she won't come round and help at all with the kids or house or help me in any way cope with what is happening.
she will make excuses not to come over, or not to help if I ask which is very very rare. we have Been without a car now for a week, nearest town is 5 miles away, we have a baby and had no milk, a sick animal too. I asked her to take me to the vets so he could be seen and she said she had to b at the charity shop she volunteers in in 2 hrs and she couldn't let them down. but can let us down???
we have nothing, literally some weeks we have £40 shopping money. yet she complains about £7k going out of her account in 2 months, I don't even have that in a year.
it's her money of course but our life us hell, she could help but doesn't, I had to walk 10 miles today to take our pet to the vet!!
she expects her son to help her do stuff but does nothing to help in return.
I had to spend £8 on a taxi to get our daughter from school as she was being bullied, mil wouldn't take me to get her as she was already in town!
she also said the other day that she doesn't know y she bothers coming Iverson * on rare occasions she does) coz 1 daughter just sits upstairs and the other runs round like a Looney. we do gave a baby too but she makes no reference to him. like get doesn't exist sometimes.
she makes no effort for her beautiful family, she is blessed with so much, more than most can dream of, why is she like thus???
my husband won't say anything to coz he will feel guilty!
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She sounds like she's not bothered - I wouldn't bother trying with her, tbh - just live your own lives. You can't make her pay attention to your children, or help you. Not every grandparent helps out, she sounds like one of those who feel they did their bit with their own children, now it her time for her. I know lots of people like that and in some ways I think it's good - not saying that you do, but some families really take advantage of willing grandparents, far too much reliance on them, IMO.
she makes no effort for her beautiful family
You mean perhaps she makes no effort for YOUR beautiful family?
You cannot demand that anybody else help you out. If she doesn't want to she doesn't have to. She has done her work raising her own son. His depression is a problem, but it is his and yours, not hers; she clearly has problems of her own. (Are you doing anything to help HER?)
You mean perhaps she makes no effort for YOUR beautiful family?
You cannot demand that anybody else help you out. If she doesn't want to she doesn't have to. She has done her work raising her own son. His depression is a problem, but it is his and yours, not hers; she clearly has problems of her own. (Are you doing anything to help HER?)
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sheri -you can't expect her to help -its your family not hers -why should she be at your beck and call she has her own life. Some grannies are overbearing and want to interfere -others on the other end of the spectrum let their kids get on with it. Yu aving £40 shopping money and her complaining she's spent £7k in two months -well i would have said something -do you tell her how you feel -does she know you are finding it hard to cope financially -maybe bunging you a couple of £100 to tide you over may be the easy way she can help if she's too busy to give her time. i personally would not ask for anything -be beholding to no-one.
Wow, most people complain that the MiL interferes too much!
To put it very bluntly, she's brought up her child/ren, and your husband is an adult, so surely she has her own life to live now. The fact that you and her son have chosen to reproduce is not really her problem. Sorry, I know that sounds horrible, but that's the way it is.
Do you want her to fork out some cash or do you want a supportive grandmother who can take an interest in your children? If it's the latter, then you need to accept her for what she is and try to build bridges. If it's the former, then you're probably wasting your time.
Why not ask her round for a meal (or if that won't work try to meet her on mutual ground, e.g. a pub lunch) and try to explain to her how you feel. But don't try to tell her what she should be doing or how she should feel - she's 56 and isn't likely to have a personality change right now.
Sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I really do feel for you, but I think you need to try to look at things from her point of view as well. Good luck. x
To put it very bluntly, she's brought up her child/ren, and your husband is an adult, so surely she has her own life to live now. The fact that you and her son have chosen to reproduce is not really her problem. Sorry, I know that sounds horrible, but that's the way it is.
Do you want her to fork out some cash or do you want a supportive grandmother who can take an interest in your children? If it's the latter, then you need to accept her for what she is and try to build bridges. If it's the former, then you're probably wasting your time.
Why not ask her round for a meal (or if that won't work try to meet her on mutual ground, e.g. a pub lunch) and try to explain to her how you feel. But don't try to tell her what she should be doing or how she should feel - she's 56 and isn't likely to have a personality change right now.
Sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I really do feel for you, but I think you need to try to look at things from her point of view as well. Good luck. x
You sound like you either want her to bail you out financially of help you out physically, it doesn't sound like you want her around just because you love her and she's part of the family; to be honest, if someone wanted me to just bail or help them out, I wouldn't feel like visiting either and wouldn't take much enjoyment from any visits I did make. Obviously we're just getting a snippet of you life but this is how your post reads to me.
As someone else mentioned, if she lived the other side of the world, what would you expect her to do then?
As someone else mentioned, if she lived the other side of the world, what would you expect her to do then?
It's true that she isn't obliged to pay any attention as it is indeed your family, but it strikes me that you are from a far closer knit family unit than she is and miss that closeness and interest. Our family is like that and I would find it alien if people were not constantly coming around, helping, fussing about and generally interfering, it's just natural to us. I think you do have to understand though that not everyone is like that and sadly your MIL seems to be one of those people and I'm at a loss as to what you could do to alter that.xx
ok I think I've come across a bit wrong here.
I don't want her help in that I don't want her money, I don't want her to child mind, or baby sit all the time.
once a year would be nice, not once in 9 years.
we moved away, 150 miles, she visited once, as she couldn't get someone to look after her dogs. yet her bf wants to take her on holiday she goes twice for a week. but can't visit her grand children.
we moved back a few months ago, and I thought she would be so happy we were back. the never comes round, I invite her regularly for tea on Sundays, lots of excuses we get from her.
I've tried so hard for my kids, my nanna was amazing, the loved being with her grand children we were her life bless her!
mil doesn't work, sees her bf once a week or so, and thats it.
she was desperate for grand children.
she didn't even call our daughter on her birthday, she was so upset.
It breaks their hearts that she sometimes comes round then they don't see her for ages, it's all excuses, bills to pay, can't leave my dogs, headache.
yes we do loads fir her.
is it really too much to ask for his mum to help us if we live in a village 5 miles from a town with no car? no way to get milk, or food without walking 10 miles?
I only ask her if I'm desperate.
worst thing is, if anything happens to me and my husband our children will go into care because she won't have them.
she won't have them over for tea, because our 10 yr old is too loud ( she isn't)
to me, family is there to help you, to love you, and there when you need it most.
I love my family (step as my parents passed away) and would move heaven and earth to help them, yet my mil can't drive 7 miles to see her grandchildren.
and his depression should be her problem too, He is her son, no matter what age my child is I will still b there for them, I'd give them my last penny or food if they needed it.
maybe I see family differently to most, but to me they are everything and if they need you then you should be there fir them.
I don't want her help in that I don't want her money, I don't want her to child mind, or baby sit all the time.
once a year would be nice, not once in 9 years.
we moved away, 150 miles, she visited once, as she couldn't get someone to look after her dogs. yet her bf wants to take her on holiday she goes twice for a week. but can't visit her grand children.
we moved back a few months ago, and I thought she would be so happy we were back. the never comes round, I invite her regularly for tea on Sundays, lots of excuses we get from her.
I've tried so hard for my kids, my nanna was amazing, the loved being with her grand children we were her life bless her!
mil doesn't work, sees her bf once a week or so, and thats it.
she was desperate for grand children.
she didn't even call our daughter on her birthday, she was so upset.
It breaks their hearts that she sometimes comes round then they don't see her for ages, it's all excuses, bills to pay, can't leave my dogs, headache.
yes we do loads fir her.
is it really too much to ask for his mum to help us if we live in a village 5 miles from a town with no car? no way to get milk, or food without walking 10 miles?
I only ask her if I'm desperate.
worst thing is, if anything happens to me and my husband our children will go into care because she won't have them.
she won't have them over for tea, because our 10 yr old is too loud ( she isn't)
to me, family is there to help you, to love you, and there when you need it most.
I love my family (step as my parents passed away) and would move heaven and earth to help them, yet my mil can't drive 7 miles to see her grandchildren.
and his depression should be her problem too, He is her son, no matter what age my child is I will still b there for them, I'd give them my last penny or food if they needed it.
maybe I see family differently to most, but to me they are everything and if they need you then you should be there fir them.
To be honest I'm still reading it as how you posted originally. You have an expectation of your MiL that she either can not or does not want to fufill and the onus is on you to get over that I'm afraid. You either have to accept her for the way she is or not bother. I
And I disagree that your husband having depression is her problem too. It's actually his problem in the main but you help him by giving love and support so it becomes a shared problem, ultimately though he will be the only one that can ever really 'do' anything about it (GP, mental health support etc).
And I disagree that your husband having depression is her problem too. It's actually his problem in the main but you help him by giving love and support so it becomes a shared problem, ultimately though he will be the only one that can ever really 'do' anything about it (GP, mental health support etc).
just to say, she isn't busy, she does nothing. we try to include her, ask her along to a cat boot sale as she enjoys them too, excuses.
invite her for tea, excuses.. best one was she has to have a bath and wash her hair as she us going hairdressers the next day, because everybody does that at teatime!
I'm just baffled at him someone can have beautiful grand children, and not be interested, well she shows interest in the older girls when we do see her.
but she comes round and says that we need this, or could do with that, and that Gets to me because yes I would live a microwave or Some garden seats but I can't afford them, makes me feel really bad.
life for ys is so hard, and we r lucky my husband is still with us, and I hate that she takes him for granted.
I don't want a hand out, from anybody, but it wouldn't hurt her to get the kids some underwear or pjs or something for them, not us! it's the kids that suffer really.
invite her for tea, excuses.. best one was she has to have a bath and wash her hair as she us going hairdressers the next day, because everybody does that at teatime!
I'm just baffled at him someone can have beautiful grand children, and not be interested, well she shows interest in the older girls when we do see her.
but she comes round and says that we need this, or could do with that, and that Gets to me because yes I would live a microwave or Some garden seats but I can't afford them, makes me feel really bad.
life for ys is so hard, and we r lucky my husband is still with us, and I hate that she takes him for granted.
I don't want a hand out, from anybody, but it wouldn't hurt her to get the kids some underwear or pjs or something for them, not us! it's the kids that suffer really.
I sometimes do nothing. It doesn't mean I am waiting for an invitation to go visit family or friends, I'm often quite happy doing nothing! You are coming across as jealous of what she has and that she doesn't want to share it with you or your family. I don't think that's how you want to come across so maybe take some time to read what you've written. It's not up to the grandparents to provide clothes or underwear for their grandchildren!
If you feel so aggreived then don't go round. Treat her the same as you perceive she treats you.
If you feel so aggreived then don't go round. Treat her the same as you perceive she treats you.
if my child was Ill as an adult I would make it my problem!! she should be there for support, you are a mother till your last breath.
she would be the one wanting all the sympathy is the next time he actually does kill himself.
he has a gp, mental health team etc. I don't have anyone, am I wrong to hope she would support me? I cope day in day out with our wreck of a life because of her sons illness, as a mother I would see that as my calling to be there and help.
I love my husband bless him.
I think the only thing we can do us just stop bothering with her.
I can only defend her so much to my kids and it's hard on them.
she would be the one wanting all the sympathy is the next time he actually does kill himself.
he has a gp, mental health team etc. I don't have anyone, am I wrong to hope she would support me? I cope day in day out with our wreck of a life because of her sons illness, as a mother I would see that as my calling to be there and help.
I love my husband bless him.
I think the only thing we can do us just stop bothering with her.
I can only defend her so much to my kids and it's hard on them.
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