advice with 8 year old step daughter

[deroshni0109]

i have been with my husband for over 6 yrs, we have been married for 4 months, his daughter lives with her mum but visits us for school holidays,her mum and i have no problems, we get along, the problem is that she does not like it when i my husband and i show affection towards each other(eg. kisses), she has always been this way,she tries to come between us and demands kisses too,my husband often gives her her way because he only sees her during holidays due to living in diff parts of europe i try so hard to make her feel secure, but her behavior is agrivating too,   i would have hoped that it would have changed by now but it hasnt, i would love for her to accept me , but i feel like im not sure what to do, or how to react, can u advise me please

[LiverpoolLou]

Hi deroshni, I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years, and I too had the same problem, his daughter was 9 when I met him, she too lived with her mum, but she had never known any other woman in her dad's life, even though her mum has re-married. At first there was a lot of the hugging and kissing, and sitting on her dad's knee when I was in her company, but I just chose to ignore it, and show her that it didn't bother me, even though it did, because I knew she was doing it just to show me who was the most important. We now get on brilliantly.....she is now 16, and she talks to me more than her dad....but deroshni, I think what helped is that I have a daughter, who was 15 at the time, so whatever my partners daughter was trying to do....because I have a daughter it was like....don't go there....I don't take it off mine.....so I'm not gonna take it off you. It took his daughter some time to realise that it wasn't just her and her dad (their time), but someone else had come on the scene. As I said, we get on brilliantly now, I think because I was quite upfront about it, and also because I had a child myself. Your husbands daughter is only young at the moment, but she will soon get used to the fact that not all the hugs and kisses are just for her.

[Her Majesty]

Sounds like a little 'green-eyed monster' at work.  Not speaking from authority here but is it worth while letting her have some 'alone' time with her Dad ..i.e. maybe go to the park or somewhere for a couple of hours and then come back to you.  If you made out you had something you really had to do..so it doesn't appear you don't want to be with her.  Then when they return make a big deal of having a 'family hug' and show her you've made her favourite meal while she was away. She probably saw the hugs & kisses between her parents .. before you were on the scene.. and worries that they may lead to a break-up.   Suggest you all cuddle up together on the couch to watch a film or cartoons and that you both tuck her up at bedtime.  I believe your husband has a big role to play here .. he needs to assure her that you are an important part of his life, as she is, and that nothing would make him happier than to see you all happy together.  Above all, remember you're the adult and she's the child ... she will grow up and learn to love you as her Dad does, but put yourself in her place and imagine how you might feel.  She's probably afraid you will take her Dad away from her.  Just a few thoughts, good luck to all of you.      

[andy hughes]

Absolutely sound advice there from LiverpoolLou. This is a difficult time for all involved, and as a child, your husband's daughter is more overt in staking her 'claim' to her dad's affections.

This needs both of you to deal with - your husband needs to explain to his daughter that she is as important as ever, but he has enough love for you as well - and she must learn to share, and not feel left out. Maybe the three of you can do 'group hugs' - corny I know, but from a child's perspective, important. You must build your relationship with her as well - affirm her as important to her dad - she needs to hear that from you as well as him, and with patience, and love, you will all get past this difficult stage, and move on.

[deroshni0109]

thanx for the advice everyone, we are currently doing all of the things u all recommended, i just wanted to be sure that we were handling things as best as we could, guess ive got to give it more time, i was concerned that it was taking too long for her to come around, but now i realise it takes time, so i will give it just that and continue to show the little one and my hubby all the love i can. thanks gain