Boyfriend Does Not Believe In Marriage But Is Committed. Is There A Way I Can Feel Safe/ Secure Without Marriage? (Power Of Attorney, Knowing If We Had Kids They Would Be Taken Care Of Etc.)

[Samanthawa23]

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. He does not believe in marriage and does not want to get married. He said he will buy me a beautiful ring so as I can identify myself as taken which was a concern for me. He also said that he will stay faithful to me and his actions in our relationship should speak louder than words. He is an amazing person and had always been there for me but there are certain aspects if marriage I feel I need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. For instance power of attorney: taking care of one another in sickness and health, if we have children he will be involved in their lives and be equally responsible for taking care of them, how will I identify my boyfriend in public without feeling judged or having to explain to others, should I change my last name to his, how do we explain the fact we are not married to our future children? He is willing to sign documents legally to commit all but a marriage certificate? Is there any document anyone out there is aware of that would cover some of this stuff? He agreed to a domestic partnership only they are no longer valid in the state of Washington and it is also not a common law state.

[Peter Pedant]

Your boyfriend does not believe in marriage....

then you swap him for one that does.

IN short is there something - not marriage - which is just like marriage, only it isnt, that has the same functions ?

No there isnt

[ToraToraTora]

civil partnership?

[FredPuli43]

Don't believe the rubbish about "A marriage certificate is only a bit of paper" and other such nonsense. If he won't marry you when you want to be married he is not committed to you. He likes the idea of running away if times get tough or he finds someone more attractive to him at the time. That is not commitment. A lottery cheque is only 'a bit of paper', so is a Will, so is a share certificate on the Stock Exchange, so is a £50 note...you get the picture. Each brings benefits or obligations or protection to the holder. So does a marriage certificate. The benefits are enormous both in law and in tax and financial terms.

[FredPuli43]

^ £50 note^ In your case "a dollar bill in any sum" :) The rest of what I said is as true of Washington, USA, is it is of Washington, County Durham, UK.

[society]

Fred, I always liked your ways of seeing things.
I bet you were/are one hot- shot attorney. :)

[Canary42]

He's stringing you along - dump him NOW.

[boxtops]

Hard for us to advise on US law (although some can), since this is a UK site - but for many of us, we feel very attached to and in a partnership with our other halves, even if we are not married, but in a long-term caring relationship. Many of us are not married but have children together. How old are you? That may affect your view on this.

"how will I identify my boyfriend in public without feeling judged or having to explain to others, should I change my last name to his, how do we explain the fact we are not married to our future children? " why should you be judged, tell others that it's your business - and your children will understand (unless you live of course in the sort of community where these things are frowned upon).

[Old_Geezer]

If society tries to judge you and your partner then that is society's failing and it shows itself up by doing so. You may identify your partner any way you wish. "This is my partner", works well. Or, "This is my man", maybe. The law is often an arse, no example better than expecting someone to go through a pointless ritual in order to be treated fairly. It is the couple's personal decision whether to capitulate to such manipulation or to accept an unfair treatment for their life choices. Meanwhile it seems I have been stringing my partner along for decades. I must have missed whatever opportunity that gives me then. I think you really need US legal advice for the children care stuff since it concerns you.

[tamborine]

Has he any assets you could claim if married? His name would be on any kids birth certs - they could claim assets. He could wed & divorce you next day ;(

If you want his kids, go for it. Birth certs will be his only hold on you.

[B00]

You've never actually said whether you want to marry him because you love him Samantha?

[2sp_]

If he is willing to sign legal documents to give you rights over assets, children, his estate should he die, etc, then why not just sign a legal document that will give you all that - a marriage certificate?

Sounds like he's trying to distract you from the bigger issues here by promising a nice shiny (non wedding) ring.

[boxtops]

... and tbh, buying a ring doesn't signify anything other than "he's bought you a ring".

If you want marriage and he doesn't, and it's that important to you, then perhaps he's not the man to spend the rest of your life with. It will always rankle with you.

[ganesh]

Agree with Old Geezer here. Me and my partner are not officially married and have been together for over 30 years and have 2 grown up kids. I too don't like ceremonies but in our case we just weren't bothered, saw too many divorces back in the day and didn't see the point. We did make a will together though to leave each other money and to take care of the children etc. I admit it is different if one wants to marry and the other doesn't, and you really need to talk to your partner about it if it is going to make you insecure in your relationship. One thing that was annoying that I wouldn't do again and that's giving the kids HIS surname. They were always calling me Mrs... (my ptnrs surname) at school etc which made it a bit awkward when filling in forms and having to explain I wasn't married. Maybe when you plan kids it would be the time to say 'we need to get married or the kids get MY surname', and he may change his mind. Don't get the rush personally and btw introduce him as your partner, because that's what he is.

[pastafreak]

Its a shame so many are making the assumption that this girls partner is not committed. She has stated that he is willing to sign any necessary legal documents. Surely that says something about his commitment.

This might be helpful. A fair amount of info on commonlaw marriage in the US.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/specialsituations/f/commonlaw.htm

And this... Regarding cohabitation...

http://usmarriagelaws.com/html/cohabitation.shtml

[hc4361]

Tell him you don't believe in giving birth to illegitimate children; that you don't want to be considered 'taken' by wearing his ring especially as he won't marry you; that you want a husband not a partner; that you value yourself too much to live with a boyfriend for the rest of your life.

Tell him you are not happy.

[pixie373]

She sounds as though she is happy - just wondering about the legalities?
I don't know about the US, but in the UK, if you put the father's name on the birth certificate now, he has equal parental responsibility, so that's part of it. Making sure you both write wills is essential, too. What you call him is totally up to you. I know people that use "husband/wife" when they're not married, although, personally, i don't like that.
I also have given the kids my surname- I'm the one who takes them to school and doctors and i have no intention of explaining the different surnames each time. If we did split up, the children would stay with me and also, my mum remarried when i was 7 and had a different surname and i felt strange about that and didn't like all the questions.

[ganesh]

Are you saying she won't value herself if she doesn't have a husband? Illegitimate children? Not sure what century hc was born in but I don't agree. I also don't think she should think she is 'taken' if she wears a ring. If she wants some kind of legal commitment then fair enough, (even though you can divorce each other the next week!) To have to persuade a man to marry you and give him ultimatums is crazy! If you have to do this then you really aren't on the same page ,and it doesn't sound like a good relationship.

[EDDIE51]

''I don't believe in marriage'' is the oldest excuse in the book yet still women fall for it.
If he does not want a religious marriage is there a non religious alternate in your home state ? sorry this is a UK site and we do not know US Laws.
In the UK you can have a civil marriage in a registry office. It gives you all the same legal protection as a church wedding but there is no talk of God.

[Maydup]

Do you think its the principle and commitment of marriage he's resisting or the fuss and bother of a wedding? If the former then think again about this relationship. If the latter, maybe you could forego the big occasion and suggest you slip away on holiday and get wed in private. no fuss, wear your day clothes and have a soda afterwards!

[CokeTulip]

Samantha..