I Use To Be Able To Call Myself A True Friend, But That Has Changed, Some Advice Please.

[LostSoulx]

I wont bore you with details, basically me and my friend stopped talking for a while a few years back. I thought it was pretty much the end of the friendship.

I was emotionally unstable and suffering from severe depression, really I should have been seeing a therapist. I felt let down by the friend I had always stayed loyal to and cared for. I had become very bitter for some reason and said a few things about my friend to myself that were vile in nature and if he heard them he would be very hurt.

We ended up friends again, but recently what i said has come back into my mind and I feel so bad for the untrue things i said about him even though it was to myself. I use to be able to put my hand on my heart and say that i was a true friend but now I cant.

I know at times he has let me down as a friend and I should have walked away instead of forgiving him, but that was him not me. I should have kept to my standards but I didnt, and now it is killing me.

What should i do ? Should I just walk away from the friendship and move on instead of feeling like I am being a fake friend ?

[ummmm]

Most of us have said or thought bad things about a friend at some point.

[237SJ]

Nobody`s that pure of mind that they don`t have bad thoughts about others at sometime. None of us know what others are thinking about us but you were a loyal friend and that is good. Don`t beat yourself up about it.

[twofeathers]

Sit down pour a drink and tell him what you thought at the time (true friends are unconditional) and time and tide will sort the rest.

Hell some of my real friends haven't spoke in years but when we do it's like nothing happened and there was no time inbetween

[pixie373]

A few bad words or thoughts doesn't make you a fake friend. Even people we love most can annoy us sometimes. If he was in trouble- would you help him? That's probably your answer.
I think your guilt is a little excessive (if that's all you did) and perhaps is a sign your depression is not resolved, rather than being about your friend.
I'm sure he would reassure you, if you spoke to him and might admit to having similar thoughts himself. Nobody is perfect. Forgive yourself and move on.

[IggyB]

A symptom of depression is to have recurring negative thoughts that can disrupt your normal life, I suggest this is what is occurring here. You have created an impossibly high expectation of yourself and are now using that as an excuse to beat yourself up and remove yourself from a friend. I think you need to take stock and consider if you need support to deal with your depression and negative thought, there are a lot of organisations that can help you and the gp might be able to advice you as well.

[boxtops]

I agree with Iggy. When a person (you) is suffering with depression, you are not (as they say) in your right mind, and things can happen which are out of character, but which seem right to you at the time. If you are still friends, it's time to sit down with him and clear the decks - apologise for what went on in the past, and start with a clean slate. You weren't in true control of yourself in those dark days - if he's a true friend, he'll know that already.

[Quoi]

Its ok to make mistakes, nobody is perfect.
When you recognise mistakes in yourself, learn from them and resolve not to keep making the same mistake then its ok for you to forgive yourself and consider yourself a true friend again.
Best wishes.

[LostSoulx]

Thank you for all the wonderful answers so far guys and girls, they are very helpful and I will choose a best answer very soon.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question aswell.

[grasscarp]

You are not a fake friend at all. What goes on in your own head is nobody's concern. Every waking moment everybody is thinking during every waking moment. It is what being alive is all about. Relax and enjoy your friends and their friendship.

[grasscarp]

See I just made a mess of one sentence there. Sorry! Goodnight lostsoulx X

[LostSoulx]

Hey Grasscarp, dont worry about it and thank you for your input. :)