Partners Mother Hates Me

[sevenofnine999]

I have been with my partner for 6 years and for the last 3 years any family gathering on his side where his mother is present I am not invited. He makes excuses as to why I cannot go and I always ask what is it that I've done to his mum but all I get is "nothing" or he'll say the world doesn't revolve around me why am I asking. Is it wrong to think that I should be able to attend family events with the man that I am planning to spend my life with? I am now starting to think of moving on. The fact he cannot see how upsetting it is for me not to be able to attend a birthday or an event where his mum is present is putting me off having a family with him. He seems to think it's ok for me never to see his family. We have had arguments in past and recently where we have decided to make it work but I've never been impolite to his mum where I have see her in the past and I've always been nice to her. In fact my partner has lived with me rent free for 5 of those 6 years and I've looked after her son although he hasn't always been truthful to me in the past when I caught him messaging another girl 4 years back. What is she going to do if I get pregnant as we have been talking about having children. Is she going to expect me to give birth to a child whilst he takes the newborn to see her whilst I'm sat at home? I am scratching my head as to what I have meant to have done to her. I remember 5 years ago when I was a lot more immature putting up a status about him on Facebook when we were going through a rough patch and I admit that was wrong but surely that can't be the issue considering I saw her a year after that and she was fine with me. I have no way of contacting her other than Facebook (I took her off as a friend a couple of years back when I realised she wants nothing to do with me) maybe this is the reason? All my exes families included me. I'm starting to think there is no point to us. My family all like and include my partner. She has cut off other people too for small reasons apparently But I am her sons partner. .I don't get why he can't stick up for me to her.

[joko]

to clarify, my post is about the issue with you and his mum, not you and him ... thats a separate issue.

whilst he should insist you are allowed to go to events, if its likely to descend into a big row then he is sort of stuck in the middle

it does seem as though the reason she dislikes you is because of stuff he has said though - maybe he doesnt want you to go, because you will find out what hes been saying?

[tamborine]

Thankfully my bitchy, venomous MIL died last year, I heard from a friend. I wasnt welcome at family events if she was present. Our kids said the reason was she wanted my OH to marry her friends dsughter.

If you love your man he will be torn between you & his mum; is he worth it?

[sevenofnine999]

Thanks for all your replies I am going to have it out with him . I'm starting to see how ridiculous this relationship of mine is

[joko]

the other thing is, if she has done this sort of thing before numerous times, maybe he knows how it will turn out and is just trying to keep the peace and hoping you wont care ...

could you write her a letter perhaps? just explain that you sense a problem and say you would like there not to be and hope you can get togteher to talk or something - maybe send it with a bunch of flowers ... she may appreciate that you have made some effort to sort it

[CokeTulip]

Sorry Seven...999 this smells of rat to me.
not knowing where his mother lives after 6 yrs & he is living in your home!!! Is this good or encouraging on any level ? No

All this must make you feel like an outsider too and he will know this; it is so not on. It is very good to ask questions and do so privately if you have to for yourself (the latter will give you a bit more control) as he is unlikely to give you straight facts (I would put my money on it).
The story has a bit of a Bates Motel ring to it ...!!
I feel sad that he is treating you like this. I don't actually think it is much to do with the mother even though she sounds awkward. Not adding up. He is the one with the hotline to his mother - he could talk her around if he cared and encourage you and her. Something not right about this and do you want to waste your life and attention on someone who doesn't trust you with his mother's address?

[joko]

good idea, but try not to go in there with accusations and bringing up old stuff and blaming him etc - if you want this matter resolved, you need to get to the bottom of why his mum doesn't like you - ask him what you can do to remedy things - let him see you are prepared to try to keep the peace and even make up with his mum - if you get angry and shout etc, it will just add to his concerns that putting you two together will result in conflict
be firm with want you want to happen though, make sure he knows its cannot continue this way and something has to be done.

i am not defending him at all here by the way - i think he has been weak and rather silly how he has handled it,and id be annoyed with him too - but its a weird situation and i expect he has just tried to bury his head in the sand rather than face it

[tamborine]

Go with him when he visits his mum. If she kicks off tell them both to bogof & leave him there.

[DaisyNonna]

His mother is the centre of his universe. He will never change. Get out while you can.

[sinderella]

He is the problem
Not his mother.

[cassa333]

My IL didn't like me. I wasn't good enough, looked like I had learning difficulties was a fat common criminal and was only after his/her money etc etc etc. She only just turned up to our wedding looking like thunder!!She got burgled ve accusee of it (Ilived 60 miles away and drove a moped at the time!!)

Whenever I wasn't around (in the end I just didn't want to go and visit her) she used to say all sorts of things about me and my OH used to say very little. he allowed her to rant then just say don't be silly sort of thing.

If you are not invited then tell your husband he can't go. Regardless of the occation, regardless of who you will be visiting for whatever reason you both go or neither of you go. And tell your husband to grow a pair because it is as much a problem of him not being able to stick up to his mum as her not likeling you.

[cassa333]

Aso my mil kept reffering to our twins as 'it'. I kept telling her it was rude and they had names but she kept doing it.

Even OH couldn't get her to stop so we decided (well I told him) that when we went round nexwhich hapened to be mothers day, we would leave if she called either of them 'it' again.

She did it a couple of times and by the third time as she was dishing out sunday lunch son started to cry and she siad "Oh just put it in there out the way".

I picked him up looked at OH nodded for him to pick daughter up and said 'Right we're off now', changed bums and promptly left. There was no visits or communication and six months later she turned up on my doorstep with a newfound humility she never had before and never called them it again.

[beso]

Dump the whole family including your boyfriend. They are a bunch of losers.