Divorcing Where Children Are Involved, I Think Its Wrong , But What Choice ?

[beezaneez]

i have a very beautifull wife and daughter, though me and my wife have not been getting on now 5 years since she became pregnant, she is allways filled with anger and this makes me not want to touch her, i am to blame too, i go away on holidays alone when not working and i have slept around with bar girls . prostitutes in thailand, yes i am to blame and i feel dirty and totally discusted with myself. our lives have been full of ups and downs ,more downs, she wants for nothing and has more than things and money than most if not all of her friends but besides the point i know she is not happy with me, i am not happy with her. we go to a restuarant and we dont talk, our child seems to be the centre of our attentions and if our child isnt there we will not go out together for walks or cafes etc. i want a divorce, i have done for couple of years now but i cannot for the life of me hurt my child, she is my world, everyday , every hour she comes to hug me and tell me she loves me, everytime i go out in car my daughter allways wants to come with me, she never wants to stay with her mum although her mum loves her to bits she is allways angry and aggressive, she never ever hits our daughter it is just the shouting and tone of her voice. anyway i am now sacrificing my life being with someone who i do not have any intimacy with, i love her as a person but there is nothing there. how can a father leave his daughter, it would be plain down right selfish , children do suffer through breakups and children do grow up to keep suffering after breakups . what is your views on this. i have not the heart to leave. i want her to divorce me .

[ummmm]

My parents separated when I was about 7 or 8. Didn't have an effect on me at all. Mum was much happier and dad made much more of an effort in doing stuff with us and taking us out.

It wasn't a bad split, there was no arguing, shouting or tit for tat silliness.

[Prudie]

You don't have the heart to leave yet you want her to divorce you. The outcome is the same surely? You need to talk to her. Sometimes children cope far better with break-ups when they are younger than if you wait until the teen years.

[pixie373]

My parents divorced when i was 7. I had a very happy childhood, but i can't pretend it won't affect your daughter at all. Have you spoken to your wife about divorce? If she is in agreement- and it sounds as though she might be, you need to discuss how to do it with your daughter's best interests at heart. From experience- don't ever criticise your wife to your daughter.

[Graham-W]

Children often suffer more when parents stay together than when they split up. Children are not stupid and can feel the "atmosphere" between their parents.
My elder son is divorced, with three children, and he goes out of his way to make sure he sees them at least twice a week, including full days at the weekend. He also goes to parent/teachers meetings for all three and is fully involved in their leisure activities. One does horse riding, one does football and the other does ballet and he takes it in turns with his ex to take them to these activities and has a close bond with all three.
The children get the best of both worlds without the atmosphere and arguing between the parents.
Think about it. Divorce isn't always a bad thing for the children.

[Old_Geezer]

I think you should have found out why she is angry. Whether she had stress problems or something you were unsympathetic to, or simply justifiable anger at your behaviour.

If you are sleeping around with all and sundry I think you may be past the point of doing much for the relationship now. You can try, but it seems fairly far broken down.

It is possible a divorce may be better for the child. This is controversial since a happy home with both parents is ideal, and a split can not be helpful even if the kids cope well. But an unhappy home is hardly ideal either.

Meanwhile, based on your last sentence, you need to be able to make adult decisions. If you want something then start the ball rolling, don't go looking for ways, hoping to get someone else to do it for you.

[Sqad]

I would have thought that your situation is quite common....far commoner than you might imagine.
If prostitutes, call girls, holidays abroad with sexual dalliances suit you purpose, albeit second best to a complete relationship with your family...then fine, I see nothing wrong in this.

However.....if this lifestyle of extra marital sex cannot give you the relief that enables you to maintain your marriage and your child, then divorce or separation are. Your only choices.

Divorce is likely to be " brutal" BUT, it may be worth it..........

You must decide.

[beezaneez]

old geezer and sqad i totally agree, i need to find the strength and the balls to move on. though there are so many other factors involved. often when im away working my wife cannot communicate very good in english, it is basic to say the least, she cannot post letters, pay bills, do things for me and the family when i am not there. it is like looking after 4 children sometimes ( we now have her 2 14 year old boys from thailand living with us here in uk ) which has added to the stress. going with and sleeping around with bar girls and prostitutes has cost me dearly . the reason why i ask also is because last night oi had a discussion with 2 of my friends, they were both affected after their dads walked out years ago, one was doing his GCSE,s and doing well at school untill the breakup. there is also the factor where my wife meets some other guy, someone who will verbually or sexually abuse my daughter ( this is my greatest and worst fear , it terrifies me ) as i have witnessed sexual abuse by my own dad ( hate calling him that name btw ) if i thought my wife were to meet a good man i would be very happy for her but its a deep rooted fear that she wont, maybe this fear comes from my own upbringing ? i must say that i did meet another girl 6 months ago and we are getting pretty close and we allways went to clubs and dancing together, talking together, holding hands and basically the intimacy and chemistry was constantly there between us though i told her i was married with a daughter she understands that we cannot be together untill i decide to walk away, though i am now in my late 40,s and i cannot keep on with my life like this having children , getting married and falling out again. yes, in a nutshell its a mess and yes im open to critisism .

[Sqad]

If you and your girlfriend/mistress are fairly discrete and understand the "cards that you have been dealt", then I would continue on that tack until or unless you are forced to make a decision.

[pixie373]

I think you've made your mind up- you just need to carry it through. My stepdad is a fantastic man. They aren't all abusive.

[black_cat51]

well i have to say i agree with sqad. She may well know anyway, and if it suits you both for you to have affairs and so on, then you have the best of both worlds.
It does worry me that you are sleeping around when you have HIV, but i guess the girls you go with just take their chances?

[Old_Geezer]

It is sad that you feel fear that you could allow your child to be in a situation where they may be abused. Even accepting your past experiences, you should be able to feel confident that the woman you chose as mother of your children will be capable of protecting her children. The chances of that not being so must be small. And so I think you are blowing your fears out of proportion and maybe even using them as an excuse for inaction.

And whatever the future hold presumably you intend to remain in contact so it's not as if you won't be in a position to note possible problems.

I suspect you just need someone to tell you to get on with it, thus giving you the reason/impetus to do what you really want to anyway.

[tamborine]

If you divorce, will the 2boys be allowed to remain in UK? Wife might want finance from divorce to set up in Thailand (I know of 4 similar cases).

Find a way to secure your daughter in UK before you split

[beezaneez]

black_cat51
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well i have to say i agree with sqad. She may well know anyway, and if it suits you both for you to have affairs and so on, then you have the best of both worlds.
It does worry me that you are sleeping around when you have HIV, but i guess the girls you go with just take their chances?


PLEASE, do not come off with that tripe !! i use protection now, i have paid dearly through my foolishness and i would not for one second even consider sex with anyone without protection , that would be like putting a bullet through some poor girls head !! something not worth thinking about . the girl i caught it off new she had it, i know she knew she had it and she was not a thai bar girl either, she was from uk. i would of went to police about her only my wife would find out and it would of destroyed her. so please no more talk of that, i know what i have , i feel filthy and discusting enough to have to live with this sh*t for blood without the likes of you coming on here and accusing me of spreading it around !!! the question was about divorce and how it affects kids and i wanted to know " ordinary " peoples views on this.

[beezaneez]

you know what it is too ? i dont want to hurt my wife either. she said to me a couple years ago if she did not have me then she would never marry or go with another man ever again, that comment sticks with me. terrible as i have been playing about i did not get much satisfaction from our love life , even from the start, i guess i did fall in love with the person she was back then , part of it was selfishness on my part because i was lonely and didnt want to live alone but another part of me wanted to take her away from prostitution and her way of life in thailand. thats the god honest truth. on hindsight i would not go through another marriage and definately not bring innocent children into this world again without thinking long and hard about it.

[Sqad]

\\\\\she said to me a couple years ago if she did not have me then she would never marry or go with another man ever again, \\\

LOL...they ALL say that.

[DaisyNonna]

The words selfish and immature come to mind.

[beezaneez]

DaisyNonna
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The words selfish and immature come to mind.

so daisy, what would you do, do you have children i suspect not. i dont even know you but you sound like one horrible woman .

[DaisyNonna]

Yes, two grown happily married children and four well adjusted grandchildren. You have your opinion, I have mine.

[beezaneez]

yea, as i say i am open to criticism .

[beezaneez]

though are you still married daisy ? also please explain how i am being selfish ?