What A Mess Im In....

[crazygirly]

I have recently had more confirmation via audio recordings that the father to my 1 year old has been having fun in my living room with another woman.

We have parted company. He has moved out of MY house. He has been gone for about a week. he has seen his son but im not too happy about this as one of the audio recordings reveals that my son was in the room at the time. His name is on the birth certificate.

I dont know what to do.

Any advice greatly apreciated.

[kvalidir]

Just my opinion but if I were you I would keep the way you feel about your ex totally separate to the way you handle the relationship he ha with his child. for now try to arrange something at your house where you will also be there floating around in the background until the dust settled. I wouldn't ban him from contact as I think that could backfire on you badly.

[crazygirly]

The thing is, i can bear him to be in my house after what he has done.

If it went to court, would the court not take into consideration my concerns as regards what has happened.

[Mamyalynne]

You need to put your feelings aside for the sake of your son - have visits where the above cannot happen.

[kvalidir]

Seriously crazygirl if you start a slanging match in court there is no end to it and everyone loses. Take a step back and be the bigger person.

[venator]

You are hurting. This is not the time to do anything final.

The most important person here is your child.

Don't look to punish the father - That will just push your child's support system apart.

Do nothing for a while, wait and see, then perhaps seek mediation in your child's interests

[venator]

That's five people, all saying the same thing...

[rsvp]

I can completely understand your feelings.....you must be outraged but seriously, keep a cool head. If you don't lose the plot at this stage it will stand in very good stead in the future. Have you spoken with anyone who knows all the background who is in a position to give you solid advice? And have you given consideration to what you want the outcome for you and your son. I don't know the background to this but would caution you not to act hastily. It's your house I gather so that gives you rights.If all else fails contact citizens advice - also many law firm off a free half hour consultation.

[DTCwordfan]

As others have said, remain icy-cool.

See a lawyer as to financials and access asap - that should proceed quickly. They may push for some exclusion zone around your house, albeit temporarily or that his visits to his son must be supervised.

[venator]

Citizens Advice is a good idea - you can tell them more than you can put on Answerbank.

I'd stay away from law firms - they may see an opportunity to make money here, and may seek to escalate an argument - I've seen that so many times...

[DTCwordfan]

You'll need them if you want money back or to serve on visit limitations.

[Peter Pedant]

I dont see that you are in that much of a mess.

You know what has been going on, at a relatively early stage and you arent deceiving yourself.

As far as the baby is concerned the law requires you to act in the child's best interests. I think most judges would find that the father's contact perhaps supervised is in the child's best interests.

[atalanta]

There are family centres where you could take the child to meet the father. ( Neutral ground.) If you don’t want to see the father, you can leave the child there with trusted social workers ( etc) and the father could arrive after you leave. The process can be reversed at the end of the contact time. You will have to decide if the father is to take the child out of the family centre, say to a play area or for a walk. You may know of some other neutral place, such as the home of a relative or mutual friend.

[lcg]

you have kicked him out.....what more do you want? you cannot stop him seeing his child, nor do anything silly and commit an offence or something (i.e. cut up all his clothes or redecorate his car - only you will get in trouble if you do stuff like that). you are hurt and feel betrayed, which is normal. report him to the csa and chase him for maintenance (which will hurt his pocket) and offer him reasonable access to the child. if you do not want him in the house, then fine. insist he picks the child up and takes him elsewhere for contact.that's about all you can do, i'm afraid. any bid by you to stop seeing the child or doing something which he can report to the police will only damage you in the end.....and it sounds like he has done a good job on that already. the best thing to do is be strict about contact, fleece him for his money and get on with your life.

[crazygirly]

Thank you all for your sound advice.

Im taking anti psychotic medication and anti depressants. I admitted myself on a psychic ward for 6 days in december. the social services are involved with my child due to mine and his father altercations, arguments etc before and just after our son was born. He was a heavy drinker and i used amphetamine to (what i thought...help me cope) as it was august last year when the first recording was discovered by myself. Ex partner hasnt heard them. I had my son in April last year and my son and i were living by our selves when my son was 3 months old due to the audio discovery i had made.

Top and bottom of it is, i saw ex tonight when i dropped our son off. i mentioned the latest recording and said that i knew the females voice that is on it. He said that im getting ill again. Why is he saying this to me and doing what he has done, as the audio proves all in my home.

[anneasquith]

hi, can I just ask are you taking your prescribed medication ?

[crazygirly]

yes without fail.

[anneasquith]

that's good,

[lcg]

audio proves nothing.....and recorded on a phone is next to useless. have you seen my other answer on your other thread? it is quite a long one.....

[lcg]

here is the other answer......


lcg
there is a reason you are taking olanzapine....you are clearly paranoid. no normal person records their partner, sticks their hand down their trousers and keeps tabs on where they are and what their neighbours are doing. you will obviously keep doing this until you get 'proof', but in the meantime you are going to drive yourself doolally. if you do not trust your partner - the normal thing to do is finish the relationship and concentrate on getting yourself better. by doing the activities you are describing, you are playing into everybody else's hands and confirming the behaviour of somebody who is paranoid and needs help. you need to recover, regain your mental health, concentrate on yourself and then embark on a relationship with somebody you do trust - if you do not do any of these, then your life will continue to struggle on in the messy way you describe above. i have mental health problems and am a psych nurse - so do know exactly what you are describing and experiencing - the only way to regain control is to take your meds and reduce your symptoms to a manageable level where you can function healthily in a new relationship. can you imagine how your partner must feel if he is actually doing nothing wrong and you are constantly accusing him of infidelity, lying and sneaking around? and your neighbour?

to be frank, most people do not have the time or energy to sneak around to the extent that you have described.....and it sounds like you need to take stock of your life. however.....if you feel that you absolutely must have evidence of your suspicions, purchase a concealed camera with audio functions and use this instead of your mobile. there are plenty on the market that can be hidden in a room and they are fairly easy to use. that way, you will have absolutely rock solid pictures and sound of what is occurring.....and this may also help you face the fact that you are/or aren't going completely nuts. i can't make you decide which option you are going to follow, but they are the two things i would consider doing myself. good luck with things.

[crazygirly]

Icg.....your completely right. Im just sick of my ex saying its my mental state and says he hasnt done anything wrong, totally denies it. But i am so sure as the recordings are very clear. I had strange thoughts going off where i thought there were lice in my home, months ago. I am under a CPN who says that if the medication removes the thoughts about lice and other security issues(thoughts) but the one remaining thought is my ex doing what he has done, then she says, its something i have to deal with and THIS is the one remaining issue. Why wont he admit what he has done. His denial is what was driving me to get proof. I have bought a tiny camera to try and catch him but i asked him to leave before it arrived. Ive made a promise to myself and for my sanity that i will not allow him in my home anymore.