Am I Mad?

[nailit]

I seriously think I'm mad. Ive had a few 'wobbley pops', granted but I dont feel normal. I know some of my thought processes arnt right. (thats why i drink, im trying to blot out the cr*p in my head). I get through most days appearing-and feeling-quiet normal and then I get these black moods where I feel capable of anything. It scares me. Ive been prison before because of whats happened when I get these 'moods' and yet no matter who I try to tell it falls on deaf ears. Its always 'address your alcohol problem' when in real life I drink to find some relief from my head, if only for a night...like tonight. I have a care co-ordinator with the mental health service but trying to get an appointment with him is like knitting fog. Have tried to contact him several times in the last few weeks but he doesnt return calls. The way my thoughts have been in the last couple of weeks really scares me. I'm afraid of what I might do. To others or myself.
perhaps I am really just a loony tune....

[Old_Geezer]

Wish i could give you decent advice but getting professional help however you managed to kick the system to get it, sounds good. Best of luck.

[i]Meanwhile there seems to be a cue for a debate on what the definition of what "mad" is. At what point does one qualify when one has issues ?[i]

[Old_Geezer]

Hmmm... sometimes italics work, sometimes it doesn't it seems. Depending on how AB feels at the time no doubt.

[jennyjoan]

Nailit - I am maybe pre-supposing your contact won't return your calls as I am thinking he/she can't handle your needs. Obviously not up to the job.

You do need to get a better contact and only in this way - relieving yourself of all your worries etc will help you. If you do get a new contact remember to tell her/him of everything you have been through.

As OPs have said you do need better professional help. Good luck Nailit.

[THEMOTLEY1]

OG,
it's because you put " & " in the post!

[scorpiojo]

Erm?

[Old_Geezer]

Well one learns something new every day and forgets it again by suppertime.
Thanks.

[nailit]

Many, many thanks guys. I'd had a few drinks when I posted this yesterday and I feel slightly embarressed by it now, but it was how I was feeling at the time. Just sometimes the internet is the only thing Ive got when Im feeling like that.
I've actually managed to get to talk with my care co ordinator today. I rang up the mental health centre and got the usual " we'll get him to call you when he's free" so I told them make it quick as I dont think I'll be alive by the end of the day and ive left details of the times ive rang and got no return call. He rang back in less than 5 minutes. Im not suicidal but couldnt think of any other way to ensure a return call. They are now making an appointment to review medication etc. Its bad enough feeling like this without having to resort to threats and fibs just to get to speak with someone.
Anyway, thank you to all who responded, I appreciate it and have taken on board everything that you have all said.

[anneasquith]

well, im pleased you got to talk to someone today, I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. have to say you type very well for someone under the influence of wobbly pops :)

[Peaspeculiars]

Nailit, am so glad that you finally got through to someone. Although I didn't reply on the thread yesterday, I was thinking about you today so good to hear a positive update, thanks.
Don't be embarrassed it at all, sometimes I wonder if I am really the same person I was a few years ago as I was so depressed, but life does improve provided you make the effort to keep talking and look forward to something - anything really no matter how small - as a goal to aim towards. Bad things that you can't change from the past can keep you stuck in a rut for years, it's very difficult to explain the way you feel the way you do or figure out what triggers it and that makes you even the more frustrated and down. But if they make you ruin your life because of what they did, they win - be strong and don't let them still have the power to rule your adult life
Good news that they are reviewing your medication - something isn't quite right with it at the minute it seems, so fingers crossed and lets see how it goes.
Always post on here if you need a chat, it can help even a little bit hopefully :o)

[DaisyNonna]

Hope things go better for you very soon nailit.

[nailit]

thank you for your kind words anne, Peas and Daisy. It means a lot at the mo.
Have to admit anne that I surprise myself sometimes when I reread posts that I made after a few falling down pops ;-)

[nailit]

Talking of falling down pops Ive had 18 units of alcohol since 5.00 this afternoon and I feel stone cold sober. Well maybe not stone cold sober but I certainly dont feel drunk, just mellowed, and 'normal'. And I hate spending money that I cant afford just to achieve a sense of normalicy.

[pixie373]

Hopefully you won't feel the need for self-medication when they get your meds right. Don't feel embarrassed. You come across as very intelligent and self-aware. I just wish the bu99ers would help! X

[murraymints]

Chin up nail..hang in there , a review of meds will help hopefully...that amount of wobbly pops not such a good idea though...coming down the other side can make things feel worse...

You come on here whenever you want a rant chat ....that's what AB is all about !!

One step at a time..onward and upward ! ....hugs xxx..

[nailit]

pixie and murray, cheers guys.
pixie...i'll make the 'bu99ers' work lol
murrray...ive had a few rants on here over the past year or so...

[wolf63]

I have an obsessive personality and I am becoming more and more of a control freak as time goes on.

Given these traits I am so glad that I don't drink alcohol or smoke. I would be unable to control the amount that I drank. I drank in my teens and early twenties and it was fun. But as soon as my manic, hypermanic and various other psychotic type episodes arrived I yearned to feel in control.

I was lucky in that I managed to work until 2003 as a civil servant - about 24 years - so I 'get by' financially.

Nailit - voluntary work helps. All the people that I work with are great and most have a great sense of humour. I am 50 but we have volunteers who are in their 80s. It's a charity shop and I have been there for eight years. I hope you find something to help you keep sane.

[nailit]

Thanks 4 ur reply wolf. Seeking a bit of voluntary work at the mo.

[anneasquith]

good evening nailet................stay on this thread because you can rant as much as you want.

[nailit]

thanks anne, all out of rant at mo.... a bit drunk at mo though....

[boxtops]

So glad you finally cracked the phone call barrier today, nailit - we've been thinking about you. Hang on in there x