ChatterBank7 mins ago
Do You Think You Would Read This?
22 Answers
I have been writing a story and just wondered if anyone would read the first little bit and tell me what they think?
“Time to get up Ladies”
The voice woke me with a start and I groaned into my lumpy pillow before opening my eyes. I threw the thin blanket off myself and sat up, thumping my head on the bunk above me. “***!” I exclaimed and touched my tender head; I could feel a lump forming already. I heard Dani chuckle before jumping off her bunk, landing lightly on the floor beside me.
“Idiot!” she whispered to me. “Are you ever going to learn not to sit up so quickly?”
I scowled and kicked my leg out at her, trying to knock her off balance. She saw my plan and gracefully darted out of the way. I stuck my tongue out at her instead and she laughed before pulling on her pale grey tracksuit bottoms.
“Come on!” she complained. “I’m starving!”
I sighed and forced myself off the bunk and quickly pulled on my own tracksuit bottoms. Dani hopped impatiently from one foot to the other while I grabbed my plimsolls and forced my bare feet into them. Before I could even stand upright she snatched my wrist and pulled me after her. She half dragged me all the way to the canteen; there were only a handful of people there.
“See nothing to worry about!” I said smugly as we joined the short queue for breakfast. I glanced at the food being served up. “Porridge again?” I moaned, pulling a face. I hadn’t felt hungry before we came down here, but now the thought of eating anything repulsed me.
“I’ll meet you at the table” I said and left the queue. I slumped myself down on a hard bench at one of the tables in the canteen and rested my head on my hands. A few moments later Dani sat down opposite me and pushed a bowl of the slop, that this place had the nerve to call porridge at me. I made a disgusted face.
“You have to eat Charlie” she said to me.
“What are you? My mother?” I snapped at her, but I picked up the plastic spoon and started stirring my bowl of slop.
Dani had been my only real friend since I came here four years ago. We were forced together when we had become cell mates. In the beginning I had refused her offers of friendship, but I quickly learnt that in here you need at least one person to watch your back, even if it was Dani. She wasn’t like me, or most of the other people in here. She was well spoken and gentle and quite possibly the cleverest person I had ever met. She didn’t belong here. I belonged here, but Dani should never have been made to come to prison.
Dani had told me her story on my third day here. I had returned to our cell in a foul mood, with a cut lip and a swollen eye, after getting in my first prison fight. When she had seen me, she had got her towel and used it to help clean me up. I remember being suspicious of her and asking her why she was helping me. She had shrugged and smiled softly at me. It was at that point that I started to think I may be able to trust her. That is when she told me why she was here. She had been at a house party; she had driven there but was planning on staying over. She had had a lot to drink and was having a great time, when she got a phone call from her mum. Her dad had had a heart attack and was in hospital. She said she doesn’t know if it was the alcohol or the shock that made her not think clearly but before she knew it she was in her car and driving to the hospital as fast as she could. She doesn’t remember the accident, but she was told that she took out 3 cars before ploughing into a tree. Luckily nobody was killed, but 5 people were severely injured and she was put away for 6 years. I had stared at her in shock when she had told me. Only bad people should be in prison, I had thought to myself, she wasn’t a bad person.
“Hello?” Danis voice snapped me back to reality.
“You didn’t hear a word a said did you?” she asked.
“Erm…I guess not! Sorry!” I stuttered, feeling my cheeks turn pink.
l
“Time to get up Ladies”
The voice woke me with a start and I groaned into my lumpy pillow before opening my eyes. I threw the thin blanket off myself and sat up, thumping my head on the bunk above me. “***!” I exclaimed and touched my tender head; I could feel a lump forming already. I heard Dani chuckle before jumping off her bunk, landing lightly on the floor beside me.
“Idiot!” she whispered to me. “Are you ever going to learn not to sit up so quickly?”
I scowled and kicked my leg out at her, trying to knock her off balance. She saw my plan and gracefully darted out of the way. I stuck my tongue out at her instead and she laughed before pulling on her pale grey tracksuit bottoms.
“Come on!” she complained. “I’m starving!”
I sighed and forced myself off the bunk and quickly pulled on my own tracksuit bottoms. Dani hopped impatiently from one foot to the other while I grabbed my plimsolls and forced my bare feet into them. Before I could even stand upright she snatched my wrist and pulled me after her. She half dragged me all the way to the canteen; there were only a handful of people there.
“See nothing to worry about!” I said smugly as we joined the short queue for breakfast. I glanced at the food being served up. “Porridge again?” I moaned, pulling a face. I hadn’t felt hungry before we came down here, but now the thought of eating anything repulsed me.
“I’ll meet you at the table” I said and left the queue. I slumped myself down on a hard bench at one of the tables in the canteen and rested my head on my hands. A few moments later Dani sat down opposite me and pushed a bowl of the slop, that this place had the nerve to call porridge at me. I made a disgusted face.
“You have to eat Charlie” she said to me.
“What are you? My mother?” I snapped at her, but I picked up the plastic spoon and started stirring my bowl of slop.
Dani had been my only real friend since I came here four years ago. We were forced together when we had become cell mates. In the beginning I had refused her offers of friendship, but I quickly learnt that in here you need at least one person to watch your back, even if it was Dani. She wasn’t like me, or most of the other people in here. She was well spoken and gentle and quite possibly the cleverest person I had ever met. She didn’t belong here. I belonged here, but Dani should never have been made to come to prison.
Dani had told me her story on my third day here. I had returned to our cell in a foul mood, with a cut lip and a swollen eye, after getting in my first prison fight. When she had seen me, she had got her towel and used it to help clean me up. I remember being suspicious of her and asking her why she was helping me. She had shrugged and smiled softly at me. It was at that point that I started to think I may be able to trust her. That is when she told me why she was here. She had been at a house party; she had driven there but was planning on staying over. She had had a lot to drink and was having a great time, when she got a phone call from her mum. Her dad had had a heart attack and was in hospital. She said she doesn’t know if it was the alcohol or the shock that made her not think clearly but before she knew it she was in her car and driving to the hospital as fast as she could. She doesn’t remember the accident, but she was told that she took out 3 cars before ploughing into a tree. Luckily nobody was killed, but 5 people were severely injured and she was put away for 6 years. I had stared at her in shock when she had told me. Only bad people should be in prison, I had thought to myself, she wasn’t a bad person.
“Hello?” Danis voice snapped me back to reality.
“You didn’t hear a word a said did you?” she asked.
“Erm…I guess not! Sorry!” I stuttered, feeling my cheeks turn pink.
l
Answers
I think people are being a bit hard on you. Sure, it's not yet perfect - but I for one would carry on reading. The important thing in a story is to get people interested in the main character. I felt that I wanted to know more about her, and was intrigued about her past and why she was inside.
19:26 Wed 08th Oct 2014
Unless this is set in an open prison , the inmates are 'banged up' ( locked in their cells) for most of the day. You don't just get up and go down to breakfast like a B and B. You have to wait until the warder unlocks your cell and gives you permission to go to the canteen and collect breakfast. Then you return to your cell and are locked in to eat it. Same for lunch and evening meals. The idea of prisoners eating in a canteen like a restaurant is good for films and TV series but does not happen in most prisons which are 'closed' . It does happen in open prisons but I do not know if there are any open prisons for women. Also women's prisons are far more violent than men's prisons as only the very worst cases get sent there, another reason I do not think there are open prisons for women.
You need to do some basic research on prison conditions to make your story believable. Series like 'Cell Block H' are pure fiction with very little relationship to reality. Your story is unrealistic in another way as well, the maximum sentence for dangerous driving is less than 4 years if the driver s not drunk as well. Even 'death by dangerous' ( causing death by dangerous driving ) is less then 6 years unless the driver was drunk and killed several people. A guy I used to know got 4 years for 'death by dangerous' and was out in less than 2 years.
So research on the sentence's for various offences is needed as well.
Finally within a prison it is considered very 'bad form' to tell others what you are in for and even worse to ask another prisoner what they are in for.
You need to do some basic research on prison conditions to make your story believable. Series like 'Cell Block H' are pure fiction with very little relationship to reality. Your story is unrealistic in another way as well, the maximum sentence for dangerous driving is less than 4 years if the driver s not drunk as well. Even 'death by dangerous' ( causing death by dangerous driving ) is less then 6 years unless the driver was drunk and killed several people. A guy I used to know got 4 years for 'death by dangerous' and was out in less than 2 years.
So research on the sentence's for various offences is needed as well.
Finally within a prison it is considered very 'bad form' to tell others what you are in for and even worse to ask another prisoner what they are in for.
This is well worth reading for your research
http://
Inside Time is a newspaper for prisoners and relative of those 'Inside'. lots of useful articles.
http://
Inside Time is a newspaper for prisoners and relative of those 'Inside'. lots of useful articles.
More research
The official sentencing guidelines for nearly all offences in the UK
http://
The official sentencing guidelines for nearly all offences in the UK
http://
When I look back at the first things I wrote, they were poorly developed and clumsily written. But I carried on and my writing got better. You can't do anything like an expert when you start, but the practice is crucial if you are ever going to improve. It's difficult to judge on such a short passage, but I think you've made a real effort to be descriptive and it shows promise. My advice would be to keep writing and see where the idea takes you. The important thing is to try to get your ideas down and then revise, edit and rewrite until you have a story you're happy with. If you really want to write, you could think about doing a creative writing course which would help you with improving the style and plotting and the advice you'd get from the tutor will be a lot more help than from internet forums. Don't give up!
It seems like you could develop an interesting relationship between these two, with Dani being impervious to the surly introspective side of Charlie. The prison nevironment is somewhat restricting you however - will the novel cover their time after release or do you intend it to be entirely "inside". The latter may be a bit too much of a challenge for a first novel.
Like Eddie said, do more research on sentencing, that is presuming you are writing this based in the UK. To be honest its a bit childish and goes on a bit,I really don't need an in depth narration on how two girls get dressed to go down to breakfast. Too much info on the reason why Dani is in prison,this could be kept back to add a bit of mystery?
Have you thought about joining NaNoWriMo? Its a web based forum type thingy and they run an anuual challenge to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of november. Theres lots of support and advice on the website and a lively forum plus local meets in some places in the UK. The other thing that I would say to you is to start with, write about what you know. Either that or do TONS of research and I don't mean only researching the facts.
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