Friends With Benefits?

[Scarlett]

My friend has a friend with benefits. They have been having a sex-only relationship for 3 years. He tells me it is sex only. She however is very needy and seems to be in love with him. She is only 19 and has only ever been with him. He is older (27). I worry that he is using her for sex and that she now thinks that this is what all relationships are like. My feeling is that he should set her free and allow her to find someone who actually loves her, but he won't- because he has exactly what he wants from her. This bothers me, morally. Am I old fashioned- is it each to their own?

[sandyRoe]

He'll not leave his kinds, but might leave his kids

[wolf63]

To me a friend with benefits would be a guy who likes cats (and/or dogs), good at DIY, okay about keeping it platonic and (most important) has a car so that I can use him for a taxi

[jno]

and not on benefits, presumably?

[sandyRoe]

There's not many on benefits can run to a motor. Unless they're on mobility

[ladyalex]

It would not surprise me in the slightest to find out that the 'benefits' this rotter is getting from this young woman include 'loans' which are never paid back.

[kvalidir]

I think it's fairly cynical and fairly patronising to assume that she will think all relationships are like this. She has eyes I presume, and ears, so is capable of observing and talking to other people about their relationships, therefore I doubt she is as Babe in the Woods as you assume. She might well have fallen for him, that's a common issue with f*** buddies, one person becomes more involved than a other sometimes to devastating degrees but the only people who can sort this out is them, there is no freeing to be done, she's free already unless she doesn't want to be, and it sounds as if she doesn't. He's not a cad, he's a friend with benefits so unless hes lied to her face and plighted his undying troth to her he's done nothing wrong, she's just perhaps become too needy and involved. I don't think it's abusive, I think it's unfortunate, but it could just have easily been him who was besotted and her who couldn't give a damn, the no-one would be crying abuse. If it was my relationship I'd simply be furious if anyone interfered.

[sandyRoe]

"She has eyes, I presume..."
Isn't love said to be blind?

[ladyalex]

I agree with you about non-interference, kvalidir.
But I still think he is exploiting her.
If she has become more 'needy' then surely he should terminate the relationship as the 'terms' have changed.
I would say exactly the same thing if the sexes were reversed. It's not 'men are filthy swine who only want to have their evil way with innocent young maidens' . It's that one of the couple wants more than the other is prepared to give.

[kvalidir]

And deaf and stupid too sometimes I think Sandy, but the point is it's her journey and no-one but her knows how she feels. One person's 'freedom' might be another persons lonelines...

[Scarlett]

He has a job. No wife or kids. He's told her he's not ready
to settle down and she should bear with him. So she's waiting... Because she loves him. And he does not love her, but told me he's hoping he will eventually feel love for her. And yes it's the fact that she was barely 16 when they got together- and she has to entice him with sex in order to spend time with him. She should be having the time of her life at uni, not hanging around waiting for a morsel of affection from him. Just my opinion of course.

[kvalidir]

Not sure I think taking away the very thing that the needy person wants is necessarily the best thing though Lady A- I think it might be, or might not be, but they alone can decide and I wouldn't like to call it :)

[ladyalex]

But it's not the very thing the needy person wants, though...what they want is love....

[kvalidir]

They might always want that and never get it anywhere, I don't know either of these people to judge, and even if I did since I am neither of these people I still wouldn't really know. I appreciate the moral dilemmas of such a relationship but continuing or ending it is something I don't think anyone not directly involved could call on. She might be happier with him or might be happier without him, I'm not a particularly romantic person in that I think there is some grand love awaiting everyone, I think sometimes people have to settle for something somewhat shy of 'perfect'.

[ladyalex]

I. guess I'm just an old judgemental cynic...but I'd be willing to bet a fair amount that this relationship is going nowhere as far as the young woman is concerned....

Wouldn't interfere, though or give her any unasked for advice.

[kvalidir]

I agree to be honest, it probably isn't, and obviously we all have opinions about everything we encounter every day and as long as we keep them to ourselves I think no harm done, trouble is not everyone feels the need to do that :)

[ladyalex]

as well as being an old judgemental cynic, I have, over the years also learned to keep my lips zipped!!
:-))

[kvalidir]

Yes that's a good rule of thumb. Having lots of older siblings I've seen endless opinions voiced by friends about someone's partner or whatever and it always causes weirdness- even when they're obviously right, so I tend to now shut the hell up about everyone:)

[BlackadderV]

I was going to ask what a ***buddy was, but I suspect I already know. Not perhaps the most endearing way to refer to one's partner.

[kvalidir]

I don't refer to my partner like that, that's not the nature of our relationship.

[ladyalex]

But it's not a partner, BlackadderV .
It's someone you are fornicating with but have no other responsibilities to .