Awful Dilemma - Dad On Holiday

[sallyann16]

This situation is stressing me so much that I can hardly bear to write it down, but I need to resolve it in my head.
I have had a chequered relationship with my dad. I am now 49, he is 84 and as agile and sharp as a man 20 years younger. He and my mum divorced when I was 3, and they have remained single - and devoid of close friends through choice and circumstance - ever since.
Dad has always been controlling and manipulative in his words and to avoid falling out with him and not speaking to him for months on end - which has happened twice over my lifetime - I pretty much do what he wants. I visit him every 5 weeks for 3 days at a time and will go along with his agenda to avoid silence and sulking, safe in the knowledge that I will soon return home to my lovely partner.
My partner and I booked a cruise last year to the Adriatic next month and last time I saw my dad he said how much he envied me this cruise and how he would've loved to have come with us. I got very flustered and drenched with guilt and asked why he didn't say at the time. He said, I can hardly invite myself on to your holiday, can I?
My sister and I have offered to take him to places he has expressed an interest in - Belfast and Poland - but he said no, no, I can't be bothered with those, I wanted to go on this cruise with you.
He has pretty much spoiled our holiday now. What do I do? Offer to take him on the same cruise next year, even though I truly do not want to spend a week away with him - or just let it wash over me? He likes my partner but again is very fussy about making sure he has time with just me, and not him, so I couldn't inflict that on my partner. And my sister can't afford a cruise or time off work.
I am so upset and angry at his manipulation and can barely think of anything else.

[sallyann16]

Mallyj, I did walk away from him when I was 26 and we didn't talk for three years. I had never felt so free and I felt able to move to London and really get on with my life without being under his watchful and ever-questioning eye. Then I heard from my sister that he was due for major heart surgery and I knew I had to get back in contact.
I wouldn't feel happy in breaking all contact again, but I often get into such muddles when dealing with him, and this forum is a massive help in sorting out my thinking and my feelings - so huge thanks for that.

[anneasquith]

I see no mention of what your OH views are re this issue ?

[woofgang]

oh he’s really got you on a string hasn’t he?

[MallyJ]

I am just sad that you would allow this man to take all your adult life from you as you dance to his demands. He does not seem to be a dad to you...just a selfish, badly brought up, rude demanding baby... you may have 20 more years of this... you will then be 80ish... I really hope you will not have reason to look back with regret..and 'what if' questions about your own life.

[sallyann16]

My OH is incredibly supportive of me and will always let me do what he feels will lead to the least hassle for me from my dad - but he too can see him for manipulative and childish man that he is.
It is ultimately my own fault for not being assertive towards him earlier in life, but the aggro that this causes has trained me to toe the line nicely. Yet if you asked my dad about this situation he wouldn't be able to see how manipulative he is being at all - he would be completely baffled by the suggestion.

[woofgang]

"It is ultimately my own fault for not being assertive towards him earlier in life,”
Its not too late to start now....today...this minute.....

[sallyann16]

Agreed Wolfgang - this holiday business is a new tactic from him now. He has been offered trips to Belfast and Poland by my sister and I and said he doesn't want to go. If he carries on this vein I will have no choice but to really speak out, or it'll ruin every holiday I ever take again.

[Smowball]

Just curious - how far away from you does your dad live?

[irishmaid]

You know, someone can only manipulate you if you allow them do .I would be for ignoring all comments on your forth coming holiday. You are choosing to feel guilty. Hey I’ve been there don’t you know and its best just to ignore snidey remarks and get on with your life. Sound to me more like you are not getting muddled as much as frightened or beholden to your dad. We are all children when it comes to parents and its so hard to break this child /parent thing. Try thinking of him as a friend not a dad and then think what would I be doing if he said that to me as a friend. Don’t be starting a fight cost thats when the trouble will start. HTH.

[DTCwordfan]

All cruise ships are 'single class ' no first and second

Me thinks not - they just call things differently and the price differences are still more than significant.

http://www.cunard.co.uk/cruise-ships/queen-mary-2/accommodation/ (same for the other ships)

Caribbean Cruises have Royal Suites as their equivalent.

[whiskeryron]

I know your dad is 84 but it is time he grew up. I have been living with my daughter & sil at their request since my wife died 8 years ago & have been looked after very well indeed & I have decided to give them their life back. I have started negotiations to move into a rest home, if you give in to your selfish father now you will be in lumber for the rest of your life, you have a wonderful partner do not jeopardise your life, you will regret it. Tell the old b***er to get lost.

[sallyann16]

Smowball, I live a four and a half hour train journey away from my dad. I visit every 5/6 weeks and see him three times over the four days that I'm there.
I also speak to him twice weekly (long calls) and email every day too.

Whiskery ron, that made me laugh *Chortlesplutters*. I bet you're a fun dad.

[Smowball]

Why do you stay up there for so long?

[sallyann16]

Smowball, I also see my mum during those 4 days. They both live in the same town, you see, but obviously have very little contact unless they absolutely have to.
So I go Thursday to Sunday and divide my time between the two, as I alwas have done since they divorced when I was 3.

[sallyann16]

Just another point - my dad gives me a lot of money for Christmas and birthday presents. He didn't as we were growing up, but over the last ten years has given me cheques for £1,000 as presents. It makes me feel even MORE guilty.

[ummmm]

He can't take it with him!

[BAKERS DOZEN]

Do either of your parents ever visit you? You seem to be doing all the running about. Tell him to keep his christmas money. Its his way of buying you. Prove to him that you can stand on your own two feet and he needs you more than you need him.

[Smowball]

Can't they visit you ?

[ummmm]

He is 84.

[sallyann16]

He did used to visit a few times a year but yes, he is 84 now, and the train journey across London is quite hard for him now, despite his agility.
It's my mum who won't travel to see us - so I still have to go up there anyway, regardless of my dad visiting.
I do accept it's my choice to have moved so far away. Physically if not mentally, as you can see from this post!