How Do You Knock A Bit Of Sense Into Someone?

[nailit]

Don't know whether be angry or relieved....or both.
My son went out with his mate last night (apparently going to visit another friend). My sons mate was quiet inebriated and I suspect my lad had had a joint or two. When I woke this morning it was apparent that my son had not been back home since, nothing unusual there, he often sleeps over at his mates. However this afternoon his mates brother came knocking, asking if Id seen either of them today, and then told me that they'd been in a car collision last night. Eventually managed to get through on the phone to my son who told me that he had been in a car with his (drunk) mate. A car that has no tax/insurance and his mate doesn't have a driving licence. Theyd hit a parked car and drove off and my lad decided that he wasn't going to hang around and got out of the car and went to stay at another mates for the night. His mate who was driving later got arrested for drink driving.

I knew that his mate had a car that wasn't legal and didn't have a driving license and warned my son on numerous occasions NOT to get in with him. What on Earth possessed him to get in a car with a drunk driving it I have no idea.
Short of hitting him on the head with a hammer, I have absolutely no idea of how to knock a bit of sense into him. Angry that he continues to be a tool but relieved that hes alive.
(and relieved that no-one was killed last night)

[nailit]

Not really a question I know, more of an offload....stressed out of my nut!

[Baldric]

Not a good prognosis,
Good Luck.

[murraymints]

hopefully this will have put the proverbial up him..he may not be out of the woods if his friend dobs him in though,knowingly getting into a car under these circs he is likely to be considered just as culpable as far as plod is concerned ..there may yet be knock on the door ?

[Mamyalynne]

I wish I could offer you some advice, but I can't.

He seems hell bent on his way of life and as a Parent that must kill you inside.

[ummmm]

You can't. Things like this happening might make him think next time.

[ummmm]

On those police programmes the driver is the one arrested, not the passengers, unless the car is stolen.

[yogi-bear]

As a Dad to four, like Mamya says, I wish I could advise you on this, and all the other matters your son seems to be persistent in putting you through, nailit.....never had any trouble with my two boys, and two girls, so don't have a clue what it must be like to be a worrying Dad most of the time.....can only offer you my best wishes and keep strong always....glad no accident occurred last night with him involved.
Try and have a good weekend, stay dry if you can please, buddy....(I have to go now and get our takeaway, then go and entertain some hotel guests in Brighton.)

All the best, nailit.

[jno]

yes, not a real question so there's no real answer to it. Nothing you can do about it but go on putting up with it, or not. It must mean major stress, though.

[pastafreak]

Can't offer specific advice. Can only say that hopefully...one day...he'll wake up and realise his friends are not any good. Then maybe he will be on the right track. My daughter put me thru hell from the ages of 15 to 17 or so. She could have been one of the youngsters I see at work...that's how bad things were. But she woke up and saw the truth...and became the lovely and successful young woman she is now. I think some just need to go through a dumb phase...;-)

[nailit]

Thanks for all replies.
Kids eh? Beginning to know what I must have put my parent through now. When my lad was born I was determined that he wasn't going to turn out like me. WRONG! Tried to give him the love, attention, affection etc that I felt I never had as a kid and he still turns out like me. Must be in the genes.....

[murraymints]

don't beat yourself up Nailit, he has to learn from his own mistakes, you can do no more than you have

[nailit]

Pasta, most of his friends ARE good people tho, just got their own problems and nearly all come from some kind of deprived background. Just got their own issues to deal with. I get on well with most of them.

[jno]

agree with minty, you sound like a good enough parent.

[nailit]

Not really beating myself up Minty, just wish he'd learn from MY mistakes so that he doesn't have to. I might of unfairly given the wrong impression of him at times on here. He's not bad, just a pleb at times...

[pastafreak]

But nailit...look at yourself now. WE can see a strong and principled man. Yes, you have an ocassional rant, but that's because you feel so strongly and have values. You will have communicated those values to your son...he just doesn't know it yet.
My daughter was the opposite of me as a teen. I was way too well behaved.

[pastafreak]

Oh...sorry for assuming his friends might be bad. Just ordinary kids then...;-)

[nailit]

//you sound like a good enough parent//
Thanks jno, appreciate it. I'm well aware tho that I could have been better in so many respects. (not looking for pats on the back or anything else here, I'm just so acutely aware of the fact at times)
I raised him as a single parent for most of his life and it should have been a better experience for him.

[nailit]

Pasta, 'ordinary' with a twist of strange ;-)

[andy-hughes]

The problem for young people is that they are cursed with a serious belief that they are invulnerable, and bad things happen to others, not to them.

This gradually wears away thanks to the twin experiences of living life, and gaining maturity, and seeing and realising that the world is a dangerous place if you are silly and irresponsible in it.

As a parent, all you can do is lay it our for him - If you do this, this will happen, if you do that, that will happen, and hope he takes some of it in.

When giving him this information, it is essential that you avoid even hinting that you are talking from the voice of experience (even though you are!) - which leads to instant shutdown.

Tell him you love him, and tell him, that you try never to say or do anything you would not want him to see or hear, and maybe he could try the same thing.

Ask him to think a bit, look ahead, and to remember that life is not a soap opera, and fast cars don't bounce like they do in action films, and consequences do happen.

Good luck!

[pastafreak]

Lol!!
I think that's how my daughter was viewed by some of her friends parents when in primary school. She was seen as "difficult". All because she didn't blend into the (magnolia) walls and exhibited a bit of individuality.