How to get an 18 yr old to a family event

[suzi-q]

I have an 18 year old son who lives away during the week (for his job) and comes home weekends. After quite a turbulent time previously, this arrangement seems to be working quite well.
My son is independent, has a very active social life and is pretty much your average 18 yr old. I dont make him attend family events, on the whole I tend to let him do much as he likes. He doesnt really abuse this and is quiet when he comes in late etc.
However we have an important family event coming up in Dec. Its a 4 day house-party at the seaside to celebrate twins 50 yr old birthday! Im really looking forward to it and my husband and younger son are happy to go along. Of course the 18 yr old doesnt want to go.
I want him to come on this occasion but dont know how to make him without causing loads of arguments, specially since things have so recently settled down after a long period of turmoil and adjustment.
My husband (his step-dad) is dead set against leaving him in the house on his own although it would only be for 1 night. They are only just building bridges in what has been a bit of a rocky road for them both with each other. So I dont want to set their fragile relationship back.
I thought of saying that either he comes to the do or makes arrangements to stay with a friend for the 1 night it will affect him . If he cant make suitable arrangements he'll have to come. I feel this is the best way because it doesnt take sides either way and if my son is absolutely adamant he doesnt want to come he at least has the chance not to, and then Im not going against hubby either. Does that sound fair?

[andy hughes]

I sympethise - family dielmas like this are always awkward.

Have you thought about bribary? Seriously - why not get on your son's good side by advising him that if he sodes this small favour for you - and you appreciate it - you will be delighted to -

buy the new computer game he wants

treat him to a selection of CD / DVD's up to a reasonable value

and so on - depending what he likes or needs.

He's an adult, and should be open to a little bartering - and if his better nature is on the back burner at the moment, then it's time to negotiate the reward system.

If this stays between the two of you, so much the better, but if he's likely to use that as a bargaining chip in the future, tell your husband what you are doing, and why.

Good luck!

[mimififi]

what about giving him an actual role in the organising or the running of the do? maybe in charge of the booze cruise to france, the mixing of cocktails etc etc. Don't you ask him, ask the person who is organising the party to ask him. Then he will feel like he is going for a purpose, not just to sit around for 4 days....

Would he be able to bring a friend or a guest, would that make it easier to come? Maybe he feels isolated from the family and so doesn't feel as though he would fit in?

Could he make his own way there, own transport? That might make him feel more in control, especially if it means he can come the first day, stay for the evening, stay over and leave early the following morning so that he can go about his business?

Appeal to his good nature, life is so short, this could be the last time the whole family are all together, life is so cruel, etc etc....?

I hope you find a way, but whatever you do, even if your boy thinks it's a deal between just you and him, make sure you hubby knows about it and knows that it is supposed to look like he doesn't know. Keep him in the loop. You don't want to be caught between the devil and the sea.

[Brinjal]

Tell him he can invite a friend.

[littlemissx]

personally at 18 i would be giving him a little bit of trust and if he doesnt want to go then so be it... one night isnt going to do him any harm.

you'd need to make him aware that this is his chance to prove himself etc.

its hard enough for an 18 year old with stepparents so maybe its your husband you need to speak to and tell him to back down a bit... start making bridges that way... after all yourself and your husband are the adults so try by backing down a bit yourselves x

[shehin]

I suspect that taking him there against his wishes would create a bad atmosphere and then none of you will enjoy the occasion. This would be a good time to start to treat him like the an adult (he is 18) - let him decide for himself if he'd like to go to the party. If he can look after himself all week I'm sure he'll be fine at home overnight while you're away. He will have more respect for his stepdad if he trusts him in your home overnight.

[Coobeastie]

At the end of the day if he doesnt want to go then don't force him.

Is there any reason why your husband doesn't feel that he can be trusted to be alone in the home for 1 night. You already mention that he works away from home during the week so presumably he's capable enough to be living somewhere whilst at work.

[Coobeastie]

Are the twins close relatives?, on your side or your husbands?

[Goodsoulette]

Your son is an adult. 18 is old enough to decide he doesn't want to go. Obviously you would like him to attend but I dont think bribing him with material things is the right path to take, you should explain how much it means to you that he comes. I think having the ability to make your own decisions comes with certain responsibilities, does he pay you a reasonable rent? Even if you dont want to take this money it helps them learn life skills. You can keep it as a nest egg for him when he moves out properly. He has a job surely 15 quid a weekend would be coverable.

[schmeeges]

My Dad asked my son to dj at his wedding - couldn't wait to get there and set up! did a great job - never once said 'this is boring, can we go soon?'

[suzi-q]

Thanks to you all for your answers. I have been thinking about this a lot. (Im a terrible worrier). There have been issues with trust between my husband and my son. In the 2 years since we have been together they have clashed a few times. I dont think its either of their fault (they are both lovely and my younger son gets on fine with his new stepdad), more that its bloody hard to bring together traumatised teenagers and a new stepdad who hasnt been used to kids.

Things have calmed down a lot since my son started to work away during the week and a new and fragile peace has broken out. He comes home and we dont see a lot of him due to his social life. But thats as it should be I guess.

I dont want to rock the boat and spoil this, because I want it to be a happy home for all. Therefore I think what I will do is explain this to hubby, let him know I really want to go to the do and that I dont think my son will come. I dont want to make him and I dont want to lock him out of his home. Id rather he was given the opportunity to prove himself responsible. If he messes up, he wont get the chance again. Then I'll leave it to my hubby to work it out and hope I can rely on his good judgment. At the end of the day Id rather miss the weekend than start another load of arguments and bad feeling.