What Would You Do?

[Rover777]

I'm 40 years old and have no friends and, outside my wife and kids, no family that speak to me. There's never been any specific fall out, we're just not really in contact. I've been to college, university, had 6 jobs at big companies in sales / management positions and am in touch with nobody from any of these thousands of interactions over the years. I tried social media a few years ago to reconnect with people I used to know but nothing came from that - I even joined a chat site for lonely people once and ironically nobody spoke to me, which was kinda funny at the time. Not that it should make a difference but I earn relatively good money, live is a niceish house and run my own business. I get involved with events to help animal charities, play guitar, read a lot and am well travelled so I don't get why such a wide range of people that I've interacted with don't like me. I go to the gym every day and watch the instructors walking around chatting to everyone with tips and technique advice but I even get bypassed with that, and these people haven't even had chance to judge me yet! So what to do, thinking about the future when my kids are gone there seems very little purpose in a further 30/40 years of solitude. And not that I'm suicidal, but it's sad to think that if I was suddenly removed from the world it would take a very long time for anybody to notice and nobody would be particularly bothered anyway...

[tamaris]

TBH you are very lucky to have a wife and children. A lot of people, are completely alone.

[Old_Geezer]

I suspect you may need to brush up on your social skills. May find someone who can tell you if you look unapproachable unitentionally, and if so, how. I suspect social media isn't a vast help in creating new friendly relationships.

[Ken4155]

You may come across as stand-offish or a know-it-all bore. You tell us about your 6 jobs in big companies, fairly well paid, run your own business, globe-trotting, nice house, etc, etc, etc. You need to tone it down a bit.

[Thuggathugga]

Dude Chill, A lot of people have that. You don’t need to be really popular. The fact that you have a wife and kids is sufficent. If you wanna make friends, take a class like learn to cook or ehatever where you can meet people

[Ken4155]

Spath; we don't need to know how nice his house is or that he's well paid and has travelled the globe. If he injects those facts into his conversations, it's no wonder he's given a wide berth. Every pub has one. I'm not getting at him, but despite all he has achieved, he does come across as a tad insecure.

[rowanwitch]

Why not ask your wife what she thinks the problem is, she knows you, I suspect something in either your body language or the way that to make eye contact is sending at keep away message. Don't worry about what you have and what you have done but where you are and the folk you are with, smile and nod to strangers for practice be I interested not interesting, old ideas but effective.

[pastafreak]

????

[jennyjoan]

I think Rover was giving an insight into his background to let us know where we stand. That's right Rover - read the many posts on many subjects here and also ask and answer literally anything and you may get a little confidence in doing things.

EG - Like my computer screen was upside down a few moments ago and with the help of my pals here - I was able to right it again. Good luck with your endeavours - you will get there

[Smowball]

Ok, I’m a really chatty bubbly person. I’ll talk to anyone. Being self employed I deal with my own customers all day. I’m on the phone all day. But friends? Friends I actually see. One. Literally one. I talk to tons online who I actually know inside out but to meet up with, yep just one.

[kvalidir]

Don't feel bad rover, you're not doing anything wrong I'm actually quite similar at least to the extent that none of my friends live locally at all, so going out locally to socialise outside of my family is not something I can do really, as despite appearances I'm actually really shy and have a very awkward way socially about me with strangers if I'm alone and have to make myself appealing to speak to, so I'm not one of those people who can happily go into a bar and 10 minutes later everyone is my friend. My man is the same, he said that's what attracted him to me cos I was being all shifty like he always felt. Truth is you're probably not doing anything wrong but you might be giving off an awkward vibe like I know I do. So, you need a scenario where people are at least initially obliged to interact with you to some extent, so classes are a great idea, committees, pub teams, new sports. Try saying 'hi' or 'good morning' happily and confidently when you go to the Gym next and research ahead of time something fitness related you can ask the instructors so you have a starting point for conversations. I have a series of almost set conversations I can use now to get conversations started but they are all designed to do exactly that, socially left to my own devices I'd crawl back under my rock and never come out, so just try to utilise something like that to get over the initial hump and take it from there. Good luck x

[jennyjoan]

I too am friendly and have many friends but there is one friend who is married with 2 sons and 5 grand children - very happily married as hubby is a doll. However since I know her so well she has only one friend and that is me. Again she is not on speaking terms with children/grandchildren. So I find that very sad on her behalf as she has been so good to the kids etc. You are not the only one Rover but there is loads out there to do. Google it. Also there may be an area where you could perhaps manage an hour or so doing voluntary work.

[Rover777]

Thanks for all the comments, just to clarify I was by no means being boastful or showing off about places I've been and worked just making the point that I haven't spent my time sitting on my own at home watching TV with a special brew without any opportunities for interaction.

[NoMercy]

I am sorry to hear that you feel this way.

I would find someone who is brutally honest and ask them, "What's wrong with me?" Explain that you want to know, and you won't hold a grudge if they give it to you straight.

Then, if there is a problem, work on remedying it.

[pastafreak]

In case anyone asks...my question marks were to the removed post.
As for you, rover. Do you feel a need to have lots of friends? Or do you see others and think that's how it *should* be? Maybe you are like several on here...happy enough in your own skin without the need to be constantly socialising. I'm like that... surrounded by lots of very challenging people in my work, I just want to hibernate when I get home. I have 1 or 2 good friends, but we really don't get together that often. But, I know they are there for me.

[DarceyK123]

I think a lot of people are in a similar position, I think once you have your own family they become our priority rather than socialising.

You say that once the kids have gone you will have nothing, what about your wife? How do you get along?

And your children may well have children, having grandchildren opens up a whole new world.

But welcome to Answerbank,
There's always someone on here to chat to, even in the middle of the night!