Need “Relationship” Advice!!

[lsharp]

i will keep this as short as i can lol....and please no negative silly comments just honesty please, so 9 years ago i had an affair with a man who i fell in love with and he did me, i had a child with another man and i couldn’t carry on so ended it and carried on having a relationship with my child’s father, biggest regret of my life but at 19 years old it was difficult and i cut the other man completely out of my life to make things easier...anyway i went on and had another child i guess in hope it would help our relationship but it actually ended it for good....so anyway 4 years later i decided to contact the person i had an affair with only just for a catch up etc which ended up with him coming to mine one evening....the minute he walked through the door i knew that feelings had never left, we spoke and caught up and it led to having a kiss, for weeks we was talking and i went over to his etc and yes we slept together a couple of times...anyway 2 months in i realised that i didn’t just want sex i wanted what i should of had 9 years ago so stupidly got drunk and told him exactly how i felt...he then told me he has feelings for me, enjoys spending time and seeing me etc but due to our past he doesn’t think things would work, he would find it hard to take on my kids and he feels second best because i cut all ties and left him, i explained myself and he can forgive me and completely understands why i did what i did and the convo went on to, how would we have kids if we got together (iv had a hysterectomy but still have ovaries) i explained i can have them just can’t carry them and he was shocked...but the main reason for not thinking we can work is my ex because he will always be apart of my life because of my sons.....anyway we left it at that and didn’t really speak for a week or so....we then spoke again and some how god knows how agreed on becoming friends with benefits! this was working perfectly fine until i realised i couldn’t do it so told him and again said it’s because of how strong i feel about him i can’t just have sex and nothing come of it....he was fine with it and we carried on talking as friends, i have no idea how but i ended up at his and again we slept together after he said he wouldn’t do it because of how i feel!! so 4 months down the line we are still seeing each other BUT since i have not spoke about anything or about us he has been so different, the sex is passionate and not like just sex if that makes sense, he asks me to stay at his, he strokes my hair, face etc, he slaps my bum, comments on how certain parts of my body are etc etc....i still didn’t look into things to much, he went to germany on a work conference and i made a joke about buying me duty free skittles (my fave) not thinking much into it he went and bought them for me! small things but that meant so much! since then he has messaged me everyday even if it’s just to moan about work lol, the icing on the cake was last night....i asked him to come over in which he did bringing my fave wine and my eldest son was home....youngest at nanny’s, he met alfie and they got on well which melted my heart, he then introduced himself to my neighbours and had a chat and laugh with them! they said to me this morning that it’s from there view def not friends with benefits it’s clear there’s more to it from him as well but what do i do!? i can’t keep pestering him with feelings as that’s when he runs but at the same time as nice as it is i can’t wait forever when i want a relationship with him...so yeah sorry for the essay but what do you all think?? xxxx

[Old_Geezer]

If you want folk to read through, paragraphs avoid any disincentive.

[Old_Geezer]

You need to make a decision. And it seems that unless you talk to him you can't know if his view has changed. Do so, find out where you're both at. Then you can decide betwen you if this has developed to be one to one relationship, or if you decide to stay as fwb, or whether to move on and find someone more inclined to try to make a go of a relationship with you. No one can make that decision for you, go talk, then decide.

[lsharp]

that would of helped lol not sure how i can edit it now

[rowanwitch]

Play it by ear for a bit longer, he is making small steps in the direction you want. It's a huge step taking on another man's children, especially after what has gone on in the past. He may decide he can't carry on but he needs to get his head right.

[lsharp]

thank you for you’re reply, i’m glad you have said that as that’s what my friends have all said but wanted to hear from someone who knows nothing :) i no it’s a massive thing to do but i just want to shake him and say it can work if you try lol x

[lsharp]

thank you old_geezer i want to speak to him but feel like i’ll be putting pressure on him like before, i no he likes his own space etc, he told me he doesn’t think it can work so to me that’s not a “i don’t want to” lol grrrr hate being an adult lol

[rowanwitch]

Don't pressure him, you rejected him before, he needs to feel comfortable and secure and part of your family

[Barmaid]

I agree with Rowan. Don't pester him to discuss feelings. Let him come to terms with whatever they are. Actions often speak louder than words. It sounds as if you are enjoying yourself so for now just enjoy.

[lsharp]

thank you for your answers, it’s lovely to hear from people that don’t no me and don’t judge for my past, lesson learnt and biggest mistake i made but i won’t pester and just like you say enjoy it for now xx

[tamborine]

He has feelings for you & your kids. Thats good for you both. Stay with him & see how it pans out.....good luck

[Barmaid]

We've all got a past. It's your future that matters.

[kvalidir]

Another vote for absolutely don't pester him. He's making baby steps in the right direction all of his own accord and thinking of small nice things to make you happy. At the moment the FWB thing is merging slightly towards things you would do for a partner so let him come to it in his own time and on his own realisation. No matter how complicated anything is (I have my own complicated scenario so you have my sympathy) if love is there it will find a way, so don't panic and don't rush anything, let him come to you. x

[Sqad]

I agree with all above....although I can't see your problem.
He isn't married is he?
Yes, continue the "friends with benefits" situation ( I hate that phrase) and see if Mr Wonderful comes along who will give you what you need...sex, security and stability.

[lsharp]

aww lovely thank you so much, your answers have bought a tear to my eye because i just know that he feels strongly other wise you wouldn’t come over knowing my son was there...he’s a pain in the *** texter though but such a busy person, he never ignores my messages which i assume is a good sign x

[lsharp]

squad....no he’s not married lol the problem is i don’t want just friends with benefits i want a future with him but the balls in his court :(

[Barmaid]

It will be if it is meant to be. I was in a similar situation 18 months ago. We're getting married next june.

[lsharp]

awww barmaid that’s lovely!! there’s still hope for me yet then

[10ClarionSt]

Apart from all that, is everything ok?

[Canary42]

You're only 28 for Christ's sake - stop pushing so hard and let nature take its course.

Look at it from his point of view - you are asking him to take rather a lot on (2 sons, no womb), and he must decide whether his feelings are strong enough to cope with this.

[Sad to say, we can't always eradicate the results of past mistakes (speaking from experience here) and just have to bite the bullet and soldier on.]

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[lsharp]

so....today i took the kids to our local airport in which the man who i’m “seeing” dad owns, he offered to come up to show the boys around, they all got on a loved every minute!! they went in the control centre and inside all the planes etc....who does this if it’s just friends with benefits lol!! argghhh