Depression?

[Theland]

I suffer from depression. Comes and goes.
I find it impossible to describe it.
"Black cloud."
"Weight on my shoulders."
"Walking through treacle."

And many more.

Trouble is, as I told my doctor and psychologist, as SOON as I use a word to describe it, I know I have missed the mark.

It drives me mad.

It makes me feel like a drama queen wanting attention, then guilt.

I suffer. Thankfully it is episodic and not a permanent condition, but it really does cause me so much pain.

Don't want sympathy, but just found talking sometimes helps like on here.

Anyway, there you go. X

[Theland]

One aspect of this torture is overthinking stuff.
I can't sleep unless I am physically exhausted.
My head goes on the pillow, and then the storm of thoughts come thick and fast. No relaxing, try to think things through, but there is no logic, no order, just flash thoughts in no helpful order.
Some of you must share this type of thing, I know I am not unique.
Just trying to paint the picture.

[kvalidir]

Yes I don't sleep a lot even when everything is fine and dandy, I get random unhelpful thoughts when I try, all of the negative things of course, when I've made an idiot of myself, when I've failed at something, said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, you know. but it is exactly that. it's overthinking, because f you mention these things to other people involved in it they usually can't even remember it, so just try to get it in perspective, nothing is THAT important in the big scheme of things and try not to worry x

[vetuste_ennemi]

//One aspect of this torture is overthinking stuff//

As an atheist, Theland, I don't have that burden. As there is, in my view, no cosmic justice I just have to accept that the wonderful world we live in (and it is wonderful) has its dark sides.

I'm surprised that your faith gives you so little comfort, whereas my lack of it offers some stoic acceptance.

But I wish you well, Theland.

[Theland]

"Worrying never changes the outcome." That is basically the advice I have had from numerous sources, and I agree with it.
But as far as I am concerned, the worrying is involuntary and not invited. It just happens.
Crazy! I don't have the answer.

[Mamyalynne]

People have already mentioned fresh air and exercise but have you any creative hobbies you can get absorbed in?

You saying 'paint a picture' made me think that perhaps putting something on paper/canvas may help you focus.

[Theland]

Vetuste - You talk sense.
Yes my faith really does give me a comfort.
"God is in charge. God will have the last word. "
But knowing this, does not stop these involuntary brain surges.

[Mamyalynne]

Can you converse easily with family or are you keeping these thoughts from them?

[Theland]

Mamya- I did paint. Acrylics. My kids hang a few of my pictures in their homes. Not painted for about eighteen months. Maybe should try again.

[Mamyalynne]

Absolutely try again, it may give you a chance to express how you feel and also absorb your over busy mind.

[Theland]

Apart from breaking down in front of my wife and daughter, no, not something we talk about.
I hate burdening others with my problems.

[Mamyalynne]

Amongst those who care for you it won't be seen as burdening but including them in how you are.

Try it.

I know how it feels, often it feels safer to hug the black dog close and not tell - it isn't.

[BagPussAA]

Theland.. have you tried Mindfulness therapy to cope with the Anxiety attacks. I was skeptical when my therapist suggested it to me but I gave it a try and it has made them easier to deal with in public. I am like you, the embarrassment of them makes them so much worse, especially if I am on my own. Mindfulness just helps me to create a safe space in my mind and helps me focus rather than panic. Makes life and other people a little easier to deal with.

[BagPussAA]

As for the sleeping.. I have found that if I concentrate on a single thing whilst trying to sleep, it blocks out all the other noise and helps me drift off without the annoying lists of negatives getting in the way. I like audio books as it is a soothing voice reading to me like a parent reads a book to a child at bedtime but you could try music or movies.. just something that you can concentrate on to quieten your mind for a while and help you relax enough to sleep.