The birds and the bees

[enigma]

What age is an appropriate age to tell kids about 'The birds and the bees' ? My eldest child who is eight and is in primary four came home with a newsletter from her headteacher advising parents that they intend to educate kids about the fact that humans and animals come from an egg but want to know whether or not we wish for them to be informed of the entire "Fertilisation process". I was horrified at this as I find it wholly inappropriate for the school to inform my child of sexual matters and had hoped that my husband and I would be the ones to educate her on such matters. The school nurse at present apparently discusses puberty and the changing body with primary six boys and girls and menstruation with primary six girls. Am I just being an over sensitive mother who is trying to cling to her little girl's innocence too long or am I justified in being outraged at this ? I just fail to see why although some children hit puberty before secondary school , there is a need to educate primary school children about matters which will not affect them at that moment in time. I did not receive sex education until my first year at secondary school so why the need for it now ? I would appreciate your comments.

[papigo]

in britain we have the highest incidence of school age pregnancies in europe-some children get no guidance from parents so the schools have been forced to intervene and instill in children the basic functions of sex and its consequences-an unwanted baby! my daughters are 10 and 12 and i have answered every question they have ever asked me as honestly as i can ( paring down the details according to age and maturity). i feel i have 2 children who are sexually aware of their body and its functions and both they and i are confident with the knowledge they have. it's never too young to start telling them just consider their age and keep the detail appropriate.

[rampart]

Enigma, my children are just toddlers, so I have not faced this. But I can share what I recall of my own experience. When I was about 8, I had already had pets and knew there was some sort of cycle of life and death. I certainly did not have a clear understanding.

Also around that age, I noticed a naughty word written in many of the boys' restrooms (this was a church school, I should add!). I thought it must have been somebody's name, as it rhymed with Chuck, and so I asked my mum. She deferred to my father who that evening explained what the word meant and that I was not to use it, and he explained the birds and the bees. I recall having a general idea, but not being overly obsessed with it. That is, it did not shock me or bother me. It was just information that I absorbed.

By age 10 or 11, I was quite curious, as I was beginning to develop, and all of us boys were talking and comparing and trying to understand all this.

At age 13, we received education on the matter in school, but by then, we already had a good idea, some of the information from the parents and a bit of legend from my peers.

To me, then, the beginning of the ability to understand this is occuring right about your daughter's age, and the clear understanding of this will happen over the next few years.

If the majority of the other children are getting this information, you might want to make sure your child is included in that class. To leave her out might cause more troubles in the explanation process, and perhaps even teasing. You might also want to introduce the matter to her properly and privately before this class, so that she starts from your perspective.

I am glad to be a few years away still!

Good luck.

[Lily_b]

I would prefer my children are not taught sex ed until they are just about going to secondary school. There is no need before hand bar those who hit puberty early.

The thing is, others in your childs class will probably get the whole fertilisation lecture. So talk in the playground being what it, you may as well let them learn the whole caboodle from the teacher than the version that is embelished by over active imagination.

I would let the school deal with any questions though, afterall they are the ones who introduced the subject.

I did this recently at my sons school as his teacher announced she was pregnant and he came home with the inevitable 'where do babies come from?'. I told her she introduced the subject so she can explain it. I don't think she likes me anymore. LOL

[enigma]

Thank you both for your answers. I have absolutely no problem whatsoever in discussing sexual matters with my daughter , however it is her age which I am finding difficulty with. I feel that it is inappropriate to fully discuss sexual matters with her at present - which as I have previously mentioned , is what her school is considering doing. I fully appreciate papigo that we do indeed have an escalating teenage pregnancy problem in Britain and acknowledge that education authorities should not bear the brunt of educating children in such matters - it is indeed every parent's duty to inform their children of such matters. My gripe however is solely with the fact that the need for such education should not be an issue or at least not in such an in-depth level at eight years old. I have no problem with a watered down version of events but feel most uncomfortable with the whole process being explained to my daughter when she is quite clearly at a tender age when sex is most certainly not on the agenda.With all due respect , I do not wish for my daughter to be sexually aware at eight years old.

[loopey]

if you wait till their going to secondary school you'll be too late they will have discussed it in the playground before ten and maybe even not got it correct kids tend to add their own stories to the truth (remember chinese whispers) my 7 yr old asked me when i was pregnant how the egg gets inside etc so i told him! it wasnt a big deal at all to him its nature, i'm happier knowing he knows the truth rather than some myth or gossip from the playground.

[loopey]

sorry meant before then ( not ten)

[Machecoul]

Does this help?

http://www.avert.org/legislation.htm

[lady_p_gold]

I think it is easier to tell them when younger, I bought a book and sat with my children and explained it in my own way. The thing is ... as papigo says ... they don't ask for intricate details until they are old enough to wonder, and are quite happy to accept it in simple terms. Better to have the opportunity of doing that than having an abrupt education via the net or some older child who may have all sorts other inappropriate ways of telling them. There is a difference between being 'sexually aware' and knowledge about reproduction. I understand your concerns and respect them, but children of eight very often are 'sexually aware' by experimenting with their own bodies, they just don't know why yet !

[Gef]

Agree with you enigma. Let's let children grow up as children. A eight year old cannot possibly understand the details of human reproduction.

My personal view is that teenage pregnancies are caused not by lack of information but by not taking heed of it.

[jake-the-peg]

Your eight year old may be the oldest but she's doubtlessly mixing with others who are the youngest in their families.

Younger siblings can get an education of this sort from their older brothers and sisters and pass it on.

I can recommend "mummy laid an egg" by Babette Cole I thinkmy kids were abuot 8 when they read this.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0099299119/qid=1131706335/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_2_1/202-9191962-3703858

Have a look at it at your local bookshop and see if you think it would be suitable for your daughter.

[sophieb]

I have a daughter in primary 6 and they were told last year about growth, personal hygiene etc and this year about periods, basic physical development etc but I dont think they get the 'whole story' til next year. My daughter asked me when she was 8 how my sisters baby was going to get out of her tummy so I told her. She didn't believe me and asked my mum to make sure. She never asked how it got in so I didn't tell her. She knows know and it was me who told her. The school, I think, should leave it to the parents.

[enigma]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to answer my question and I respect all your answers very much. I guess that it is with a heavy heart that I am realising that my little baby girl is growing up - a fact which I suppose I am having trouble dealing with. She is very much a naive , innocent little girl who still believes in the magic of Santa (She is not in the minority in her class as they all still seem to share this belief) and I feel that it is a huge leap from Santa to puberty ! I personally feel that children grow up far too quickly nowadays and I agree with you 100 % Gef - You are quite correct when you say that teenage pregnancies are not caused by lack of information , rather by not taking heed of it.Sadly I feel that a lot of young girls see having a baby as a career option because they feel that they can not succeed academically and feel that if they get pregnant it will somehow be the answer to all of their prayers because they will get set up nicely with benefits , a little council house and be able to dress up their little 'dolly'. Although , as a friend of mine who through no fault of her own is bringing up her kids alone will tell you , being a single mother is no picnic. I take on board all the comments about other children learning this information earlier and obviously do not wish for my daughter to become a subject of ridicule but I am not happy for her to be given a full , informative breakdown on sexual reproduction. Childhood is fleeting , if our kids can't be kids now when can they be ?

[Gnisy]

It is extremely important that your children learn about the birds and the bees from you and from an outside source which may not be reliable. The appropriate age for children to learn abt BatB is probably the moment when they start asking you. As important as it is to let them have their childhood, I think it is also important to help equip your children with the necessary information to protect themselves from sexual misconduct. Even if parents refuse to teach their children about sex and sexual misconduct at an early age, it doesn't mean that they weren't already exposed to it.

I guess the most important thing to tell would be that if they were uncomfortable with another person who is misappropriating his actions towards her, then she should tell an adult she trusts about it and not keep quite about it because it makes her feel ashamed of herself. You'd be surprised with what your children has to tell you once you start the topic.

I don't mean to scare you regarding this but pls do not think that I am asking you to let go of your daughter's innocence. I am merely asking you to help her protect it.

[Hermia]

I did sexual education at junior school and I think it was quite a good idea as, of course, we knew it all already, but everything we knew was rubbish! I can understand parents not being happy about this, although no parent complained at the time.

I think the fact that girls start their periods so early now means sex. ed. has to be taught early. There were a few girls who started their periods between 9-11 years old so obviously it would have been too late to leave it to secondary school. I also see a lot of 8+ girls walking around now with quite developed figures.

I think one of the big problems is that lots of parents don't tell their children about this sort of stuff. Loads of people in my class had never had a chat with their parents. I know a few girls who had to deal with their periods starting without their mothers help.

The fact that children are so sexualised now is a problem. I see so many little girls walking around dressed like slappers that it seems foolish to keep them innocent in their minds!

[twopennorth]

You have been given the right to withdraw your consent if you object.

If you feel so strongly on this issue - use this right.

Why not ask the teacher for more information on what the lesson consists of? this will give you some idea of whether the information is aimed appropriately at your child as an individual, something you may be more aware of than your child's teacher.

[cheekygang]

it wouldnt realy change any thing i learnerd at primary school i knew wats needed 2 know but i still bcom a young mother so its ok 4ur child 2learn 4rm school! but never make ur child feel the subjects discusting and dirty that will only make the child feel they cnt b open wiv u in future! instead discribe it as somthing natured and only answer questions ur child asks or the child will get confused, you should encorage a child to talk about sex so they know they can speek freely and you can b reasured they know the hole safty thing plus you get the altimate honesty and trust i wished my mother talked 2me about itmore then mayb i wouldnt have been so secrative and mayb she cud of helped me