What To Tell The Kids

Brutale | 09:37 Mon 27th Apr 2020 | Body & Soul

37 Answers

My wife and I have been on the verge of splitting up for at least the last 10 years. We've got 2 kids (13 and 14) and have stayed together for their benefit. It hasn't been particularly traumatic as we don't argue or fight etc, we go on holiday and run a business together from home so are together all the time. We did counselling for the last year and although there were some good ideas coming out of it, neither of us could be bothered to put any effort into making things any better. Although we've trundled along for so long I'm thinking I don't want to keep wasting all this time being miserable. There's nobody else involved and I really don't want to move out of the family home, work is based from here anyway so I'd have to be here a lot of the time and it seems silly to pay for another property to go back to just for somewhere else to sleep (I already have the spare room anyway). So the main point of my question is what we should say to the kids, if anything at all. They have to realise that things aren't particularly normal with us but would it help them if they knew we don't really get on anymore, we tolerate each other to keep the status quo and probably will get divorced at some point in the not very distant future?

Odometer.

Spring Rash

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dannyk13

Unless they start asking questions I would let sleeping dogs lie.

Tilly2

At 13 and 14, I'm sure your children are well aware of the situation. They may need some reassurance that they are not going to lose either their mum or dad.

ummmm

Tell them the truth. They aren't babies.

woofgang

I think you should be honest and talk to them about the fact that your relationship has changed but reassure them that you are still Mum and Dad and that you still love and care for them.

1ozzy

Be truthful with them.
Kids are very switched on.

Apc2604

I was just going to answer with what Tilly said.

Ken4155

Just explain the situation to them, honestly and without sugar-coating anything. Treat them like adults and they may surprise you by acting like adults. You will most likely only be confirming what they already know, anyway.

Robinia

I agree with those who say tell them the truth. In my experience growing up and then having two children of my own it's the unknown that causes the most anxiety.

beso

The way you put it, it sounds as if having an intimate relationship with anyone is not actually very important to either you or your wife.

I grew up in a family where my mother wasn't interested in anyone much. Dad would have liked something more but he was loyal to the family unit despite my mother's unemotional coldness and disinterest in him.

My parents continued in an uneasy standoff for years. My siblings and I knew they didn't really care much for each other. Afterwards I concluded that staying together like didn't really really benefit us kids in some really important ways.

For me as a child the biggest problem was the complete lack of anyone to model affection or intimacy. I knew nothing about how to interact and just be with someone I cared about passionately. I was dysfunctional and so were my siblings.

Your kids are at a really important age. I hope you can make something better of the few years you have left with them.

Brutale

Question Author

Beso, that's my main concern. I don't want them to grow up thinking that this is the way that relationships should function. In our marriage counselling we primarily focussed on our experiences as children and it was enlightening to understand how things that happen when you're young have a big effect on adult life. It would be a waste to wait until they're older and for them to tell us they always knew something was wrong as much as it would be really sad to tell them now if they think everything is amazing. My dad left before I was born and I was determined to to give my kids a stable home. And apart from that I love being at home with the kids so don't want to end that. It would be great if my wife offered to leave but I wouldn't want her to be on her own, I really don't think she'd manage by herself.

emmie

indeed tell them the truth, they will have to know at some point.

Canary42

Yeah, sure, go ahead and tell them you've only stayed together for their sake - that'll put a real guilt trip on them. Very caring parenting.

emmie

it doesn't have to be worded that way, there are better methods to tell the truth without hurting them all the more.

AuntPollyGrey

If things are chugging along without conflict, the kids are not witness to fighting and abuse, then frankly its none of their business if you have an intimate relationship with your wife or not. You go on family holidays, presumably are pleasant to one another -really do you think your kids care if you sleep in the same bedroom? They are more likely to think 'oh gross' TMI! Seriously if they are doing well at school, have friends, do things like 'normal' teenagers they do not need to know the intimate details of their parents lives. Guess what? By the time you get to having teenagers, the idea of mum and dad holding hands or canoodling while watching the TV is gone...lol! You are probably not much different from their friends parents, except maybe they try and have hot dates when the lids are staying over somewhere. Answer questions honestly if they are asked but apart from that leave things be.

Zacs-Master

I think the OP wants advice on what to tell the kids about the impending divorce.

Brutale

Question Author

canary 42, I don't recall anybody suggesting they would be told anything like that...

AuntPollyGrey

Reading that post no, I don't think there will be an impending Divorce in the not too distant future. He does not want to move out of the family home and thinks his wife will not cope without him. You an get a separation order and remain in the same family home, but it takes two years before you can apply for a Decree Nisi.

Zacs-Master

I’m pretty sure the manage by herself bit meant the kids would stay it’s her. Is that right, Brutale?

Zacs-Master