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Give Me Suggestions For This Sonnet And What Can I Do Better? in The AnswerBank: Arts & Literature
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Give Me Suggestions For This Sonnet And What Can I Do Better?

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Dreyesmihsnyc | 01:46 Tue 09th Jun 2020 | Arts & Literature
8 Answers
True Nature

Your beautiful color, could it be illegal?
Besides tell me how much you love your delightful,
Your glory and spirits embrace and thrill
Beloved besides the dark shadows that were traced.

Hate has made a dark place in your heart.
Misplacing your true self and lose your soul your and origins.
Honoring your memory and disgrace of swells of losing lives.
Meanwhile, your existence started to matter even more.

Light is fading in your eyes throughout your suffering, of
The unjust tyranny that implemented to take control over you.
Liberty was taken like clear water passing through the river.
losing all his rights that he not allowed to prevail.

Our voice was muted but today is heard, we are changing the history of our people in the name of the one's that are resting.

(Is about *Black Americans* any suggestions?)
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Rich Text Editor, the_answer

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Dreyes, is English your first language? I can understand some of the emotions and thoughts you are seeking to express, but your grammar does not do them justice. Line 1. Good. Line 2. I don't understand that you could love delightful. You could love delight, or delightful skin (or soul, or identity). Lines 3 and 4. Can't fault them directly but I find them not...
19:17 Wed 10th Jun 2020
I don't like it at all. But that's just me. Others may feel differently.
Dreyes, is English your first language? I can understand some of the emotions and thoughts you are seeking to express, but your grammar does not do them justice.
Line 1. Good.
Line 2. I don't understand that you could love delightful. You could love delight, or delightful skin (or soul, or identity).
Lines 3 and 4. Can't fault them directly but I find them not readily understandable.

I won't go through the whole sonnet line by line. I am pleased that you are writing poetry and using language, but I think you could do better. If you have another first language, then perhaps you should use it. If you prefer to use English, then keep up your work. If you want feedback I will be happy to give it to you. You use some good words and images. Best wishes.
I agree with Atheist. If English is not your mother tongue, write in your own language. You will have more control over what you are trying to say.
It doesn't flow easily and it is too descriptive.
Can't see any connection between--True Nature and Black Americans.
That isn't strictly in a sonnet form. https://literarydevices.net/sonnet/
Too many/too few syllables on each line. Not a sonnet.
yup Tilly, also it doesn't rhyme
It's not a sonnet. Don't particularly like it, but I did teach English for years. There are Shakespearean and Petrarchan sonnet forms. They are well-defined. This is neither, sorry. Read up on dactyls, anapaestic and other metres. Sonnets (Shakespearian) are usually iambic. Hope this helps.

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