One night stand

[Sasha13]

OK - had a one night stand ( my second ever) the other night, (was very careful)! But feeling pretty rubbish about it for some reason (first one, had no feelings of guilt whatsoever). I think it's because right up until 'the act' I had been saying to him, we're not going to have sex etc etc (completely consensual when it happened though, guess I just got carried away)! Anyway, wanted to get a view from everyone else - how many have you had and does having a ONS make you a bad person??? Thanks! x

[Laurinha]

Without wanting to sound like a slapper - I've had a few one night stands in my time. And it was great fun at the time but they meant absolutely nothing, now I just think - what's the point? I don't see anything wrong with it at all, as long as you're happy. : )

[LazyGun]

I dont see why having a one night stand should make you a bad person.Over the years I have had several, and dont feel bad about any of them.

I believe that so long as you havent engaged in a one night stand for validation or to punish yourself, or you havent lied about commitment in order to have a one night stand in the first place, you shouldnt feel bad about yourself at all.

You may of course get some people arguing that such behaviour is somehow ethically or morally wrong,or weak, but provided you havent mislead or hurt anyone, why should you care what other people think?

[Eels]

Been there, done it, had great fun, no worse for wear - it's fun that you control - no compromises or repercussions. Bad person? Maybe, but that's got nothing to do with one night stands!

[lady_p_gold]

Of course you are not a bad person! Why feel guilty .. you did what you felt like doing at the time, its only natural! The only problem would be if you were not careful but you were, so just chalk it up to experience. Who makes all these rules anyway that we have to feel all these constraints on what nature intended us to do.

[Chappers]

I don't agree with one night stands, even talking about them makes me uneasy. I've seen relationships disintegrate, happiness vanish, hopes and dreams be destroyed by such acts.

I can't help the way I feel, I had a girlfriend once who said she had a one night stand before she met me, it just grossed me out and I couldn't feel comfortable with it.

I guess it is ok if no other parties are hurt but one night stands often go hand in hand with deciet and I can't relate to a mentality that would allow such an event to occur, I see it as a weakness.

[Chappers]

lady_p_gold, it may be natural but man as a whole prides itself for it's evolution beyond mere instinct, if such instincts cannot be supressed then we are no better than animals.

[andy hughes]

I'm with LazyGun on this. I can't speak from personal experience - I've never even kissed someone unless i cared about them - so ONS's are something I've never been able to be involved with.

That said, that's purely a personal viewpoint, and I would agree, if no harm has been done, to you or the person involved, then you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

[Drusilla]

I admit from the outset, I've never had a one night stand and don't regret that fact for a minute.
You are certainly not a bad person and only need answer one question truthfully and that is, 'am I comfortable with me, Sasha13, and the choices I make?'
If you are, then fine. If you are not, make some minor adjustments in your life until you feel better about you.

[lady_p_gold]

Chappers I take your point, and I operate under my own code of morals which is no lying or deceit and treating others as I would wish to be treated, therefore I feel I can tread the path between instinct and what I feel is correct in the framework of society. However I do feel that there is a creeping religious fundamentalism which is starting to erode ones natural love of life and I suppose that is what I meant.

[dawg_kane]

i have had many ONS...it is just another way to have fun with another human being, if its clear what its going to be and both involved are conscensual then whats the harm?

always be safe and enjoy yourself!

[jno]

It doesn't make you a bad person, but it seems to have made you a slightly unhappy one, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this question. Perhaps you're a bit alarmed that you got carried away - that you failed to predict your own behaviour? This does suggest some loss of self-control, and maybe you weren't ready for that? Fair enough; some people prefer to know where they're going (I do). At any rate, you've learned something about your reactions and your instincts, and this should stand you in good stead next time anything similar happens; and it'll be up to you then to go along with them or not.

[littlemissx]

I've had a few one night stands and yes i do regret them now but if you are single and are very careful then dont worry about it!!! oh and i always say we're not going to have sex etc but when it gets down to it i always do (again fully consensual).

i'm only in my early 20's and still single although i havent had a ONS for quite a while (but thats only through lack of men lol)... i think if the opportunity was to come though i would be a bit more reluctant to go home with someone these days... mainly because you dont know who you are going home with... they might act really nice in the pub/club etc but you really know nothing about them.

for safety reasons make sure someone knows where you are going or have a code word so that if you text them a message saying "hi Charlie not coming home tonight. see you tomorrow" charlie for example could eb a word where they know you need help and if necessary call the police who could actually trace where you used your phone.

just be safe xx

[Supernick]

I've had a few one night stands, 5 in total, all careful. But one did leave me feeling similar to you, for slightly different but still similar reasons. I knew that she liked me more than I did her, and was gutted that I'd slept with her when I promised myself that I wouldn't. I guess it made me realise that whilst sex can between 2 people can be no strings and fun, it can be hard not to get people's emotions caught up in it and so you have to be careful in that respect as well.

Having said that, I've had 1 night stands that I've loved, and given that I've been single since February 2000, I wouldn't have had any physical company in 5 1/2 years without them, which I think would really, really depress me.

[Englishbird]

Please don't feel bad. It certainly doesn't make you a bad person. Although you need to work out exactly why you feel bad. ONS's only work if you don't want more from the man, if you have a secret hankering for a relationship, then it hurts, if it's purely adult fun then it doesn't.

I've had quite a few over the years, some have been good some not so, but I don't regret any of them, I've always known what i was doing at the time and it was always something i wanted to do at the time (even if afterwards I've questioned my judgement!!). I've never ever cheated on anyone I've been going out with and I don't see why it should be wrong at all. And I don't think it's got anything what so ever to do with suppressing instincts!! If you're single, sensible and know your own mind then there's nothing wrong with it at all.

[Sasha13]

Thanks for all your replies! I'm definitely single, although I have a feeling he isn't (absolutely DID NOT realise this at the time though; a couple of things that happened after made me think). I think I feel bad because on reflection I wouldn't mind seeing him again (IF he was single and with me not necessarily expecting a relationship) but figure that even if I did, he may have lost respect for me due to what happened. It was all very safe, was out with a friend and returned home with them as well so wasn't alone with him and don't think I'd entertain the idea of a ONS if that were the case. jno, you may have hit the nail on the head kind of. The morning after my first ONS the person involved was quite touchy feely, but not so the 2nd time so maybe it's a crisis of confidence? - I think that has something to do with it! Thanks again!

[sassie]

I've had loads and I have never felt like a slapper...No you're not a bad person..Its only sex..

[maxton]

Sasha

Sex between couples who have been married for years is sometimes difficult - how could you expect to have a clear run on a ONS with someone you hardly knew?

I consciously gave up "recreational sex" (or ONS if you prefer) when I was 24, and have only ever had sex within long trem relationships since (I'm now 43). ONS's always left me feeling empty and with the feeling that I had used or had been used. I do not want to exploit others for my own pleasure. I believe there is always one of the pair who is secretly expecting more from a one nighter.

What is wrong with getting to know someone first? Then perhaps you will know whether you want to sleep with them or not.

Good luck!

[RebeccaSJ]

I'm a singer and I am on tour about eight months per year. Once I toured for 13 months! It gets very lonely out there on tour and opportunities abound. I'm sorry to admit that I succumbed to the loneliness on two occasions and picked up guys for casual sex. I didn't even get their names.