Not Sure What To Do, Feeling Really Low/Doomed About Something That’s Too Late For Me To Have

[Raidergal2022]

I often feel really low/a sense of despair as though I’ve messed my life up and it’s my own fault.

Basically I’l be 39 very soon and still haven’t settled down or had kids. I know it’s my fault I’ve just been very withdrawn, unfeminine and haven’t even tried to attract men during my life. I’ve focused on my career and sport/fitness

I want to enjoy life but have this deep nagging feeling that recently has been hitting me every morning that I’m lonely/doomed and am too late to have kids. I’m unsure what extent of this is a genuine longing and what part is due to me wanting what I can’t have, it really does feel like a ticking clock even though I don’t particularly feel maternal .

It’s in my ‘perfectionist obsessive’ nature to focus on what I don’t have - ie I’m now starting to believe my life can’t ever be full as I’m too late to meet someone and have kids

[jno]

I don't think 40 is regarded as a cutoff age these days; then again, I don't think having children (or a man) is necessarily the norm these days.

You seem to want to have it all even though you don't necessarily want to be a mother. But how's the rest of your life actually going? Are you happy with your achievements in your career and in sport? Do you find it hard to take pleasure in what you have done? It's just possible you might be suffering from depression.

[douglas9401]

If I may, be careful what you wish for.

[Raidergal2022]

Jno.. I think some (not all) of it is wanting it all. I think my thinking has shifted recently I’ve always enjoyed improving/learning more in my career but I’m realising more that family is more important. I don’t have any siblings so unless I have a family I’l be on my own which scares me.

I’m in a steep time limit with starting a family but work will
always be there

[Quandale]

Go to a therapist they’ll know what to do

[jno]

it's not necessarily the case that family is more important. It's always good to have people to talk to, to go out with, to ask advice from (and so on). But they don't have to be related to you.

I appreciate that if you think yourself "withdrawn" you may also have difficulty making friends. But I wouldn't go having a baby just to have someone to keep you company in old age. Motherhood (whether or not you have a father to hand) is a big commitment. How would you feel, for instance, if raising a child compromised your career? Because it often does, particularly if you're female.

[david small]

Your maternal instincts are impacting upon your emotions and skewing your rational thinking. Kids are not just for satisfying or fulfilling your life. They are demanding expensive, restricting, exasperating, and you never stop worrying about them.
You have a good life, enjoy it. You do not need kids.

[Mailin20]

Non you are ok
You no worries one day a men will meet you and you will be happi and you is no old women yet so you no need to worry
You is still young and a men can make the love for you and you will have children

[richtee]

Stop beating yourself up- you are not alone in your thoughts at your age- will I miss the boat regarding children? what if I leave it too late? etc.,
Lots of women with similar histories to yours get these feelings at your age. As said, children are a mixed blessing if I can say that, and are not the insurance of old age happiness and company- I've seen very nice old ladies in retirement homes with children, they turn up on boxing day with something, and are looking at their watch within five minutes of arrival, and won't come again till next Christmas. Others on here have given you some good advice, which I hope will help you, so stop worrying and get back to living- you only have one life!!xx

[Raidergal2022]

Sorry for the very late reply, just wanted to say thanks all the replies have helped