Strands #248 “Strumming Right...
Quizzes & Puzzles2 mins ago
My husband and I have been married for just over a year and I have recently come off the Pill so that we can try for a baby, which we've been discussing for quite a while. However, the problem is, we rent a small flat and wish to move in March when our lease runs out, to somewhere bigger (not just because of a baby) plus my husband is in his 2nd year of uni, doing a degree in teacher training and science. Even though we have both agreed to start trying, my husband would really prefer it if we waited until he had qualified and got a teaching job (we may then also be in a position to buy our own place) but I don't want to wait that long as I don't want to be too old to enjoy my kids (I'm 25 now) and emotionally I feel ready.
Bearing in mind that it's never a brilliant time to have kids financially, can any Abers advise on whether I'll be able to cope financially? I know it's not all about money.
Several female friends/family members I know have had kids in less than perfect situations and seem to manage ok. I have always worried about money and this gives me cause to worry even more!
Thanks in advance!
No best answer has yet been selected by helliebobs. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.
For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ."Manage" is the correct word! You would be far, far better to at least try to create the best possible financial situation for your having children, than to do it when you will be stretched financially. Although wonderful, it is very stressful having children...so the least stress you have to start with the better for all!
As for being too old...please... I was 32 with no1 and 39 with no2. (I would suggest however that 39, for me anyway. has drained the life out of me!)
personally I'd wait. If you're emotionally ready now, you'd be more so in a few years time. yes, you'd doubtless "cope", but why not do better than that? I was 32 when I had my first and as I'm not yet pregnant again, and he's now 2, I guess I'll be at least 35 when I have my second. Too old my backside, what a load of nonsense. If you re-read what you wrote here in 10 years time, you'll laugh at how dumb it actually sounds. If your hubby is only in his second year at Uni, and you got pregnant now, he'd have to cope with his finals and a 1 year old! Good grief. Not fair on him, or Jnr. You say your husband would prefer to wait, but you don't want to. That sounds a wee touch selfish helliebobs. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you know he'd prefer to wait, and you will lose absolutely nothing by waiting (while gaiing financial stability and a real home), yet you want a baby now because....you just want one. Hmmmmmmm........that's not the most grown up attitude I've ever heard.
Hi hellibobs. I had my first daughter at 26 and my second at 29, but my financial situation was easier than yours appears to be at the moment.
The most important thing about having a child is both parents being agreed the time is right and I think your husbands suggestion about waiting until he is working is a wise one.
If he is training to be a science teacher, he will more than likely be set up for life in teaching, assuming he is any good, of course.
As someone else has said, the last thing he will need when studying for his finals or doing his teaching practice is no sleep at night.
I'd wait, but you must talk it through thoroughly.
Best wishes.
I once read that the perfect age to have a baby - taking into account things like getting a good financial footing first, seeing a bit of the world, progressing in your career - is 64!!
I am sure personally that mid twenties is a very good time, probably the best. How about just letting nature take its course? Sometimes it can take months or years to conceive when coming off the pill, so who knows when your family will grow.
Good luck.
You can never afford to have kids so forget about waiting until you are financially secure, if you wait till you think you can afford them you will probably be past the age of having them.
Im 34 now and these things can take time, it took me and Mrs Phantaxus two years to have our first (born June 05) and its true it will totally change your life. If I have any regrets its that I waited so long to have our first.
thanks for all the advice!
The way hubbie and I have discussed it is that there is a very good chance I may not get pregnant straight away so I may only get pregnant a few months down the line which could mean by the time I have the baby, he could have finished his degree.
And in response to kick3m0n, while I appreciate your opinion, I would like to point out that having children is what myself and my husband want - we have discussed it and yes, he thinks it would be wiser to wait, but ulimately it is what he wants as well. As for my worries about being too old, I understand that 25 isn't "past it" but for me, I would prefer to have my kids before I am 30. My parents had me later in life and I feel there are certain things I missed out on, so personally would like to raise my kids while I am still young enough to enjoy them. How can that be dumb? You make it sound as if I am going to get prenant whether hubbie wants it or not, which couldn't be further from the truth.
I know questions like this will always pose differing opinions, but I just wish some people would take the wider picture into account, considering there isn't room to put down every single factor in a dilemma such as this. People shouldn't be so quick to judge!
In an ideal world I reckon the best time to have a bambino is when you and your partner are BOTH ready for it. Sometimes this means that one of you might need to save, sometimes it means that one of you might need to grow up a bit(!), sometimes medical conditions may need to be overcome etc etc. However if the best interest of the child is considered as opposed to the parents (which is so often the case) then I reckon that a pretty cool and happy child will result.
Only you and him can answer these kinds of questions honestly.
I reckon that the question of when (or whether) to have kids is far more important than the decision to marry. Another life is involved.
Best wishes in whatever you decide.
Shivvy
It sounds like you have thought through the options and reached your decision together, which is great. All I would say is that if I were you I would use condoms for three months to get the artificial hormones from the pill out of your system. There are all sorts of nasty statistics about how men born to women on the pill are less fertile and how you are more likely to have a miscarriage because the lning in your womb is less suitable for a baby than it would be naturally. Besides, it means when you start trying to conceive it is more likely to happen quickly.
Good luck!