What Should I Do About This Friendship?

[Scarlett]

I would love your thoughts on this! I have had a friend since university – 36 years- who only ever talks about his past break ups. he goes on and on and on and on. He rarely asks me any questions, and if he does, within seconds, we are back to talking about his exes. I don't see him that often as he lives abroad, but since he has split up with his latest girlfriend, (four month relationship, she was half his age) and has been burdening me with how bad he feels, mentioning suicide, and asking me to tell him he is amazing. I have problems of my own and have reached saturation point of listening to him!! I know he will never change because he has always been like this, but I simply can't deal with it anymore. I sent him a message explaining this, mentioning my problems with constant pain, hormonal stuff, fight and flight issues, but of course he just took it personally, and now wants a phone call... what would you do in this situation?!

[Ringlet]

You have explained your feelings to your friend, and he has refused to take on board what you have said.  

He wants to have a telephone conversation with you, which is guaranteed to make you feel guilty and overwhelmed.  

In your situation, I would "ghost" him, ie refuse to respond to any attempt by him to contact you. 

Sounds harsh, but you have done your best.  This person is thoroughly selfish, and you can do without this person in your life.  

[JinnyJoan]

I know what you are talking about  cos I've just realised with a friend of 50 years - all she talks about herself, her problems, her children, her grandchildren and on and on.

I have just realised that not once through many dangers, deaths, bad anxiety of family members and many other things I have been through - she has never enquired how they are doing, where are they now - cos you know why - she's just not interested just me, myself and Irene.  Even just a wee general question about my siblings.  I spoke to her after Christmas - I visited her and I haven't heard from her since.  And that's the way I'll leave it.  I can't believe I've been stupid and never saw through this but I have this time.  

 

[Scarlett]

Thanks Ringlet, this is my instinctive feeling as well. I'm reluctant because I have lost a few friends in the last few years, for similar reasons. But when I think about what I actually gain from having him as a friend, I can't think of anything positive.

[Scarlett]

Jinny, it's sad for those of us who are loyal, but I agree, if you are not enjoying the time with this person, is there really any point?

[Ringlet]

It's hard when we think of the friends that have vanished from our lives, but this happens for a reason - we grow and evolve as we get older, and the friends we had in the past may not be the friends we need for the future.

Look for a friendship that involves give and take - someone who will respond to your needs in the same way that you respond to theirs.  

Best wishes for the future. 

[bednobs]

I would have thought your long standing friend deserves more than a text

[Scarlett]

Text Bednobs?

[bednobs]

You said you sent him a message now he wants a phonecall.  I presume that message was some form of text?

[seekeerz]

I think you've invested far too much of your valuable friendship in a man who is selfish to the core - he's only interested in himself clearly shown by the number of 'ex' relationships he has behind him.

please find other friends who value you for who you are - like most of us, they too will have 'issues' but sharing these between friends is what it is all about.

good luck xx

[Scarlett]

Bednobs- Well he's abroad so it was WhatsApp messages, several recorded voice notes, a 25 min video, and texts. 

[bednobs]

you sent him a 25 minute video explaining why you dont want him as a friend anymore????

blimey!

[brainiac]

Are you one of his exes?

[rowanwitch]

Some people can't be friends, they are too selfish to engage with the other persons needs.  Effectively they are emotional parasites only using others to bolster their fragile and damaged egoes.  Step away you have done enough.

[ynnafymmi]

Thanks Dougie.

[ynnafymmi]

Oops,thanks mods.

[Modster]

ynnafymmi - this is not the category for your "humour", or for your digs at other users.

[ynnafymmi]

Thank you,modster,but where were you when i have been attacked time and time again on AB?

[Modster]

Out?  If you have any complaints about other users' behaviour, please use the Report facility to inform the Eds.

No more now, let the thread get back on topic.