Can't trust my husband continued

[portocat]

My problem now is I feel that the straw has pretty much broken the camels back now. I feel flattened and made to look like the stupid little wife who is tucked up at bed sleeping while her husband is merrily phoning round his old f*** buddies while he is drunk. I do not want to be made to feel like this. I don't want my baby to have a daddy who cant control himself when it comes to the opposite sex. I think I am a good wife and partner, yet I am treated with disrespect when it comes to this. I even question whether he has any true feelings for me, as if he did, why would he be interested in all these other random women.

Thanks for reading this far. I am at my wits end with this situation.

[The Tiggster]

I know to a certain degree how you are feeling portocat, when I was pregnant last year, my husband seemed to increase his frequency of being on his mobile, texting & phoning & did not seem intrested in me or the pregnancy, unlike me who was totally obsessed about it. I was convinced that he was texting women or friends he'd prefer to be socialising with other than being with me. I didn't sail through my pregnancy, I was exhausted all the time, suffered from a lot of pain, put on loads of weight & was quite difficult to live with. I was convinced that my husband didn't want a fat, grumpy wife or the baby as he seemed more interested in other things.

It all came to a head when I broke down 1 day & plucked up the courage to ask him if he actually did want me & the baby because if he didn't there was no point in carrying on pretending things were ok. Thankfully he was totally shocked & didn't realise how badly I was feeling. He admitted that hewas feeling left out as all the focus was on me & my bump but felt really selfish about it. Looking back on it I was at a very low ebb, totally irrational at times (hormones) but was putting on a good enough front that my husband thought I was coping very well.

If he hadn't shaped up (which he did) I would have been prepared to go it alone as my baby deserves the best in life & that does not include an unhappy mum. You have speak to your husband as soon as you can & do not hide how miserable & untrusting you feel. Hopefully he will be given a shock & start to understand how you feel. Being pregnant is not an easy time & you do not need the added stress, but be prepared for the worst, which hopefully it wont come to.

My very best wishes to you, I totally sympathise & will keep my fingers crossed for you. Tiggs x

[portocat]

Thanks Tiggs. The thing is I have brought it up with him before and I feel now that if I mention it again he is just going to think here we go again. The thing is, he is behaving in a way that I feel if he truly cared about me he wouldnt.

I suppose really I do have to speak to him about it though, as the alternative is we continue the way we are now. I wish mobile phones had never been invented. I have fantasised about putting his through the washing machine and all sorts just to get rid of the contact details for these random women.

Thanks for replying, and for understanding

[The Tiggster]

My heart goes out to you. You need lots & lots of love & affection when you are pregnant and everyday decisions are difficult let alone dealing with major issues.

Again I think the short sharp approach is needed, because life does not get any easier once the baby arrives. I have heard of so many couples splitting up with a brand new baby & having gone through all rough early days (baby is 13 weeks today) it is easy to see how relationships crack under the pressure.

You must think long term & ask if you want to carry on feeling like this & suddenly wake up regreting staying where you are now in say 10 years time?

I totally understand what you said about mobiles, they have been the cause of many arguments & relationship break ups.

Let me know how you get on, I'll keep an eye on this thread. x

[Richie1976]

Why don't you get or invent your own f*** buddies, see how he likes it.

[portocat]

Hi Richie - that idea has occurred to me. Thing is one I am pregnant, and two what I really ideally want is for my husband to be my only f*** buddy, and me his. However, if that is not to be then it is worth considering.

[b0shb4ll]

As a man in a loving relationship, I feel I must answer this. If he really was your soul mate, then he will come clean with any wrong doings he may have done. If he does not and simply carries on, leave him as you deserve much much better. I would never act in this way to my partner as I would not want anything to stop us being together.....

I know it is hard as you are pregnant, but look at it this way; something really good would have come out of such a bad situation. Your child.... who will be adored by its mother.

[Drusilla1S]

Sorry portocat, but I think inventing your own 'buddies' is a bad idea and liable to backfire if this sad situation ended in divorce. Would you really want to be accused of sleeping with other men whilst pregnant, even if it wasn't true?

I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a very serious chat about your marriage because it is so far from ideal at the moment that you may require a marriage guidance counsellors help to resolve a serious issue of trust.

Most men are incredibly supportive of their wives, particularly when they are pregnant, but your husband seems to have abdicated all marital responsibility and is treating this special moment in your lives as an excuse to behave like a single man again.

At a time when the two of you should be developing a closer and more affectionate and trusting bond, he is sabotaging your future prospects together.

[Peghead]

Hi Portocat, my mum went through the same thing with my dad but me and my brother were toddlers. She knew that he was having affairs, so it is a slightly different situation to yours, but she stayed with him for 'the sake of the children' and I can tell you honestly as an adult - I wish she hadn't.

If you haven't trusted husband for this long you have to ask yourself - even if he promises things will change can you ever trust him fully again? If not then maybe it's time to have a serious rethink. If you think you can learn to trust him again then as Drusilla said you could really benefit from counselling.

To a certain extent you have to put the pregnancy to the back of your mind and think what you'd do if it was just you. Your child wouldn't want you to stay in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of having his/her dad living at home.

You've got so much to look forward to whether your husband is involved or not. I really hope he wakes up and realises what he's got x

[portocat]

Thank you so much for your answers. I know I have to tackle this situation now rather than later. I just wish things didnt have to be this way. I am not a bad person. I don't deserve this and I am so so sick of it all. No, I don't think I can trust him again, there have been too many lies now. It is so hard because I really love him, but he is slowly destroying me, and what we have together.

[rebecca321]

I kind of know how you feel sweetie, i can't trust my boyfiend at all. He tryed getting into my thong twice when i was going out with someone, and on one of those times he had a girlfriend. now we're going out with eachother i think he's f**king some else behind my back. my friends and familly say i should leave him, but i'm too much in love with him to do that. One peice of advice i can give you is it's better to be alone than unhappy x x x don't let him bring you down and smile because you never know who's falling in love with it and you never know what doors it can open

[Jay70]

He sounds like a ******. I dont think he will change if you have already talked to him (leopard and spots etc) I would try one last time though and tell him you need a real man who can face up to his responsibilities and not a selfish wimp. Don't get caught in his trap. he probably wants a nice home which is looked after for him while he shags around. Your too good for him and so is your child. Most males can make a baby but only when it comes to looking after them does it sort the men from the boys.

[b0shb4ll]

Jay70, you couldn't have put it better...

[laurence2]

portocat, Once the Trust has gone i'm afraid it a downhill slope, He obviously has no morals and see's you as his servant, he is laughing at you.

How much more do you need to be convinced by his cheating ways?

Can i just add that Rebecca's post is not helping you when she thinks her boyfriend is playing away, but She loves him so thats ok then{what crap}.

Don't let this waste of space ruin you or your babys life, tell him straight to his face, or just play the unhappy housewife whilst he plays the field

Good luck

[kipchik]

I was in a very similiar situation to you'rs,he admitted not one but 3 other "flings" over the years. I stayed with him cos emotionally I felt i needed too,felt i couldn't handle the kids on my own,the result?I'm unhappy, he's always in the pub after work and i feel alone,I'm better than that but i'm still here and struggling along,I should've left.Your guy may be doing nothing but if he is think hard about your future.

[Jenni_luvved]

What a w**ker u totally deserve better if he is cheating on u, and its true, when they hav done it once u cann never trust them again. My fiance cheated on me a year ago so i cheated back as i thought it was the right thing 2 do but now we do not trust each other at all and our relationship is quite a miserable one. However, we love each other 2 much 2 split and 2 be honest, i wish we didnt as its the worst feeling xx

[Jenni_luvved]

Although i have 2 add, in my experience 99% of men cheat, im sure there are good ones but ive never met one (so dont take offence anyone) I suppose the same can be said of women. I think in this day and age tons of people do it, which is a really bad thing

[Drisgirl]

porto - what can I say - the above posts say it all.

I want you to get your backbone back,I want you to call his bluff and tell him to shape up or ship out.I personally,being me,would have had the phone destroyed accidentally ages ago.

I discovered, once I divorced my first husband that he had an affair when I was pregnant for the first time.I suspected it but as usual I was just 'imagining' it.The best thing was I then had my daughter 4 yrs later then I binned him saying he was more like my brother and I wanted more than he could give me .

He then adored me and I got no peace for years.

Go with your gut instincts - it will be very tough but no worse than imagining who he is sh*gging behind your back.

[blond_law]

do u really want a liife like this for u or your baby. The more u put up with it the more he'll do it.

Stand up for yourself and stand ur ground. U deserve so much more than this.

Think about it, whats the worst that can happen, u split up, u're hurt and upset for a while then in time u get your life back on track, ur self esteem up and u know where ur going in life without this loser!!!!

This book my help u - i've read it and everything thats happened to me in the past all makes sense and i've made changes to make sure it never happens again. its called 'Are u the one for me' by Barbara de Angelis.

Good luck and pls be strong!!!!