Pregnant & Confused

[amanda100]

Hello

Is there anyone out there that has been through what I am going through? Husband walked out on Fri saying he did not love me the same any more and had not been happy for a while, after I found some intimate text messages from him to another women. Married 4 years, together 7 years, 22 weeks pregnant with our first baby after suffering a miscarriage last April - says I have been obsessed with getting pregnant ever since and the relationship with the other women was only ever emotional not physical and it ended before it got any more but he admitted to having some feelings for her! Is any of this possible, has anyone been through this where the husband is just going through a panic time at the prospect of being a father for the first time - it's so out of character that I am confused, hurt, upset and because he suggests there's no chance at all of a reconcilation, all I keep thinking of is that I will loose the house, financial security and the quality of life that am used to. I love him with all my heart and can't see my life without him in it, all I ever wanted was to take this next step and become parents together but now feel devasted and confused. Any advice or similar experiences shared would help a great deal ......

[zara 4]

I had a very similiar thing it was 3 years ago now though i wasn't pregnant our kids were 12,11 and 5 but he walked out and moved in with some old tart that he was "friends" with,they then got together"properly" ,I was devestated didn't think I would ever get over him it was awful,and then the strangest thing,as soon as he saw that I was going to have a life without him he started coming round more and more,if i popped down the pub(it was a really nice spring)then he would drive past or come in,he was always there,we did get back together and he is so sorry about what he done but his life now is wondering what i'm doing if i'm out of his sight cos he's seen that i can survive without him!

[bex401]

Amanda,my heart goes out to you.Maybe he has got cold feet,alot of men do,my husband wanted to be married & have a baby,but still wanted to go on as if he was a single bloke & not give me any support whatsoever,he saw nothing wrong with his behaviour & in the end it drove us apart.3 years on & I realise now,that splitting up was the best for me & our daughter.

My advice would be to give him the space he obviously wants,as the old saying goes 'If you love something set it free,if it comes back it's yours,if it does'nt it never was'.

Let us know what happens,my thoughts are with you

[WendyS]

I can understand how distressed you must feel and I wonder if the clue to all this is your husband's comment that he felt you were obssessed with becoming pregnant again. Perhaps he still has unfinished emotions and feelings about your last miscarriage which he hasn't fully dealt with and felt that he was being rushed helter, skelter, into another sitution before he had had time to come to terms with the last one. Perhaps he foresaw a future for himself where he was just needed as a sperm provider and feels that once the baby has arrived, all your focus and attention will be on the child and that he will become an irrelevance, apart from providing an income. I can only suggest that you try and see things from his point of view and understand the panic he may be feeling about how his future life might evolve.

Perhaps you really have to be very honest with yourself now. Have you been obsessed about the future baby - talking all the time about baby clothes, how things will be with it in the future, etc and not asking him how he feels? He is probably feeling very unloved and unwanted and perhaps it is up to you to make him feel that he still has a very important and central role to play in your life.

Ask him to come back for a long talk. You say, "All I ever wanted was to take this next step and become parents together". Perhaps he just wasn't ready to embark on the process again so soon, and maybe your best chance of healing this relationship is to listen to how he really feels and reassure him that after the baby arrives he will still play a major role in your life. Good luck, and hope you can sort things out.

[Dollie]

Can't say anthing more poignant that what Zara and Bex have already said - except to say that I feel so sad for you. I have been dumped 'big style' in the past and it took some getting over. I did, of course, because we all have reserves of strength that we don't even realise we have. You will do the same amanda. So sorry for you chick.

[murphytherot]

Try to keep strong in this difficult time! you sound like a lovely person and i wish you all the best xx

[keel]

I would advise to seek legal advice just in case, but also find time to get an impartial third party involved like a mediator or couples counsellor to work towards a mutually satisfactory conclusion for the two of you. Family and friends will always be biased.

Feels like there is little true communication in your situation and both parties have to feel safe enough to communicate honestly and work towards peace.

Mediation and counselling doesn't have to cost either, there are free mediation services in most UK large cities and access to counselling is available through your GP

My heart goes out to you. My additional advice?

Separate what's going on around you from your experience with your foetus. Continue to play soft music, burn Lavendar and Neroli (safe for pregnancy and very relaxing) oil in your oil burner 2 drops only of each, and find time to do a relaxation tape or meditate on your aim being that everything will work out exactly how you want it to. Your baby only requires love from it's environment. Be fiercely protective of that :-)

keel

[tigilou]

Hi amanda as everyone has said im really sorry for you. Yes ive been there cant go into it much though im affraid so im with you 100% on how your feeling i saw my daughters father pushing his bit on the sides child in a buggy through the town when i was 8 months pregnant you will be fine on your own there is plenty of support out there for you and what a massive loss it will be on his part i would wait and see what happens leave him alone for a while wait for him to contact you and like i said its his loss not yours. Take care and keep us informed x

[lady_p_gold]

There are two issues here ... one is your emotions about him, your relationship and what the hell is going on .. if anything .. and how long it has been .. which in normal circumstances you could thrash out in the way that people do, which would result in either it all being sorted out as best it can and the relationship continuing, or it coming to an end. But ... because you are pregnant your protective side is kicking in .. .will I have a home, will I have any money, and because you and the baby are in effect a unit, a part of you will automatically feel very protective to that unit. Because of this you may automatically be seeing your husband as an threat in some way, and it is going to be very difficult to be objective at this time as your loyalties will be pushed both ways, and I have to say I think the baby will win. So ... I think you should stay as calm as you can and try to split this into two categories. First and foremost you need to know what is going to happen to your home. If you own it, then legally he will have to continue to pay the mortgage and provide for you while he is working, and that is something that needs to be sorted out right now so that you know where you stand. Secondly, I think you should just allow him to have a chance to explain .. in his own words, maybe in a letter ... exactly what has been happening. Ask him in a calm way and say that you need, for the sake of the baby and so you are not stressed, to know the full score, however painful, so that you can go forward and at least know what you and the baby have to face. Whatever happens, the baby will be there for all your life, and that is a thing of joy, and I am so sorry this is happening to you in the middle of it.

[amanda100]

In reponse to all of you that have been good enough to share similar experiences and provide some biased support - thank you. I would like to try and respond to some of you that have asked me questions or suggested next steps.

First of all, the communication has just been by text - anger and questions of why, he texted me last on Sunday morning, when the neighbourhood woke up to snow and he hoped I was ok and to go careful on the roads. I then responded with why did he leave in the middle of something he started, and has he not stopped for one moment and thought his feelings could or would change again in a week, month or 6! He responded with he has thought about it for a long time and if he thought there was a chance he would take it. He said I would not want him to stay with me just for the baby. I also suggested counselling - that was also met with it would only hurt us both in the long run and basically what was the point!

So, I was very willing, and fall short of getting down on my hands and knees begging - he seems like his mind is made up. Although he has said when things are a little calmer we need to talk properly, but I get the expression that that is from a going forward financial point of view. His Mum says he will work and work so he's got nothing as long as we are taken care of - but how long will that attitude last?

[amanda100]

And .... As for the obsession with getting pregnant again after the first devasting miscarriage last April - yes I was obsessed and yes, he did say he felt like I was just using him as sex was never right at the top of what was important in my marriage - love, friendship, companionship was above this. However - with all that said - I found the fact that what we were doing, and why was more of a turn on, and I joked that I could not believe he was complaining about having 'too much' sex! I did take his feelings on board then and I thought we moved on from that when we talked about it sometimes then. If you bear in line the time frame, it was only 6 months before I got pregnant again. At which, he said he was 'shocked', after thinking there was something wrong with me. My mind is going into overdrive now thinking that he was just 'faking' the orgasms to keep me happy, keep me wondering if I had the fertility problem - knowing I would never get pregnant - but one mistake was all it took. I am being stupid here and looking too deeply for answers?

I didn't decide to start a family - we both did.

I have sought some advice, advice that I really did not want to have at such an early stage - but yes, the courts' only concern would be the baby whether here yet or not, and he would have to pay his share of all the house costs - my only worry is when I am on maternity leave - who pays my share?

The financial worry is an additional strain on me, it's OK everyone saying I will be OK - but I don't want to be OK, I want back what I may have lost and it's the not knowing whether this is a break or it's final - it seems pretty final to me. Most people walk out and say I need space or whatever - this did not happen in our case.

[amanda100]

The other part of all this that even, and this is a BIG IF - he came back - how the hell do I trust him, without wanting to know his every move - check his mobile when it's lying around, that's no life for him even if he is sorry, and certainly no life for me. Can couples really truly forgive and forget and get back together after however long and say that 'gosh - this is better than it's ever been' - the break was really what we needed to realise what we have.

The phrase 'let go of something you love, if it loves you back it will return' I do believe in, but obviously will be devasting if that never happens, not only thinking of how bad it must have been, what could I have done etc etc - but also thinking how great his life will be without me in it - and how anyone could want to turn down the chance of a life, in a nice home, loving wife, a beautiful son or daughter, the firsts of 'daddy' and 'walking' ..... why why why - this is so hard and I want so much for this to be a nightmare.

I have my 2nd scan tomorrow - my mum is coming with me - but will be devasted if he doesn't so much as even wish us well while we are there. This is so out of character for him - he's not a self-centred person, he's quite loving, has been brought up with strong family values - like myself. We don't drink or smoke, or go out clubbing and pubbing, we enjoy films, cinema, eating out - and says we are different!!!

Your responses will be greatfully received, albeit bringing me to tears, are there any men out there sharing the same feelings as my husband, could explain what I have done so wrong, or needed similar space to get your head around being a dad - scared, etc?