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Some sound advice anyone!!

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dozie | 16:53 Fri 31st Mar 2006 | Body & Soul
8 Answers

Hello, can i have your words of wisdom.Here goes - About 2 1/2 yrs ago, i found out that my bf had been texting/ringing some girl for a while at all hours of the day. I confronted him about this and we fell out big time, she was his best friends bed buddy! She was constantly ringing him a lot and when i found out about it he said it was because she was having problems with his friend so found it easier to talk to my fella!! Then i found out she did actually fancy my bloke even though he said he was not interested.It all died off as his friend met someone else and she basically went nuts and beat up his new gf. Anyway i'm starting a job next week in a pub and without going into too much detail It has just came to my attention that this girl comes there for her lunch regularly. When i mentioned it to my bf last night he said yes he thinks she works near there so could go there for her lunch. I asked him what she looked like but her refuses to tell me, i only know her name and the bl**dy hassle it all caused back then. I asked him why he wouldn't tell me and put it to him that maybe he is still on contact with her and that is why he is being so guarded. I don't really think they in contact again but what i want to know is how to deal with this situation.. If i had to serve her (and i will find out who it is as my boss runs a small place so knows all the regualrs by their names) how do i handle it? A part of me wants to have it out with her as it did cause problems back then but another part of me wants to stand tall and be the better person here. I don't know what to do, when i brought it up last night he said he couldn't believe i mentioned it after such a long time but just the sound of her name sends my blood boiling!! thanks x



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two and a half years ago not 12 years ago that should read. Don't want you to think this has been eating away at me for all this time!! ;)
dozie, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Be confident with yourself and your boyfriend, conficence is so sexy. When you do find out who she is, stick with your guns and be the bigger person.

Don't worry,the past is past, just get on with enjoying your life it sounds like she is the one with problems, it may cause bigger problems raking up what has gone.

Alos confronting her could cause you to lose your new job- is it worth it after all this time?
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No you're right. I shouln't confront her but its just so hard knowing i have to be polite to her when she caused so many arguements. Not saying my fella was blameless - i did say if it was all so innocent he would told me and not have kept it from me in the beginning and i'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it if the boot was on the other foot ,if i was texting and ringing some bloke all the time that had the hots for me. He says she doesn't know what i look like anyway so i don't suppose she is gonna come in and give me a hard time. Sometimes i just find it hard to hold my head high, i was looking forward to working there but now i'm dreading it, she works right next door to the pub
Hi dozie, I can identify with your situation and I feel for you. I had a very similar experiance with my husband. About five years ago, when he was my boyfriend, there was another women who, without going into details was a "presence" for want of a better word, in our lives. Like you, the sound of her name would make me mad, I spent many sleepless nights worry and wondering what I would do if I came face to face with her on my own. Thought of all the things I would say to her. But time passed and she no longer used the same pub as us but I still use to think about it. Then about 6 months ago I worked into a store that I use at least three times a week and there she was serving at the counter. I felt sick inside and had to walk out. Deciding that this was my chance I calmed myself down, went back into the store and approached her. To cut a long story short our conversation left me feeling stupid and wishing I had just held my head up high and walked by her as if I had no idea who she was. To me it was still in the here and now, but to her, because it wasn't that significant to her, it was where it belonged, in the past and a distant memory. So unless you have any doubts whether your boyfriend is still in contact with here, my advice would be to leave it. Enjoy your new job and try, and I know it's hard, not to worry.

It sounds like this was more a case of foolishness on the part of your boyfriend than anything else, and the fact that you are still together shows that your relationship is strong enough to have got past it.

I can imagine you planning the conversation you will have with her when you get to meet her but's in your mind, and when she doesn't say her first line in your scripted exchange, the whole thing goes to put, and all thos clever put-downs that leave you sweeping away with your head high, and her gaping after you unable to reply to your rpaier putdowns, will all turn into a nasty public slanging match.

You have to ask yourself what you rerally stand to gain, or loose, by looking to draw a line by talking things out with this girl. I know you think it will enable you to move on, but in fact, you already have, and it's just this situation that has brought the episode back into focus for you.

The best thing is to leave it and be professional towards her, and just leave it at that. Know that inside you are the better person, with a better life, and personal dignity which this girl obviously does not possess.

Being the bigger person really is the beter option here. I think you know it's true.

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Thanks everyone especially Bertie and Andy.. In my heart i know thats the right thing to do and i will bl**dy well walk in there with my head held high. My boyfriend asked me yesterday if i was looking forward to starting my job and i said not really, when he asked why i said it was becasue of serving people and he said "What? Everyday people?" to which i replied " No bl**dy everyday beep" (use of her name)!! He did not reply so i let it go but i know i can be the bigger and better person here but still dreading Friday morning... Thanks each and all though xx

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