Hiding my pregnancy....please help

[Schlomo78]

My fiancee has a 6yr old from a previous relationship. I am 15 wks pregnant&he will be moving to live with me.We had his daughter over the weekend so had her come to my house so she can see what its like,though he hasn't told her he will be moving.His mums said its best to leave it closer to the time to tell her about the baby as its a long way away&though me and my partner talked about it last wk&he said he would tell her,he still refused to because of what his mother said. I wasn't small to begin with&its pretty obvious that I'm pregnant,I have an obvious bump, but I had to pull my jeans over it and wear baggy jumpers to hide it&he seemed to completely forget I was pregnant himself &made no reference to it to me either. I havnt had a great pregnancy by all accounts &have had to come off my anti-depressants as they may be harmful to baby, so have been having a monster time of it with my hormones&depression ganging up on me.

I really resented the fact that I have to hide what is supposed to be something wonderful, I had to hide my scan picture,baby magazines&all baby stuff i.e crib,baby clothes,bouncer,pushchair away at a friends house,eveything had to be cleared away so his daughter wouldn't see& there was to be no reference to baby at all. I ended up in tears at1point when his daughter was in bed&told him I felt like I was a dirty secret to be hidden&that he was ashamed of the fact I was pregnant. He said he understood&he would tell her,but still didnt when he was with her by himself.I feel so low&horrible because of it&even feel like I am beginning to resent being pregnant at all&wish it wasn't happening.I can feel my depression creeping back.He has no plans to tell her soon, in another month I will be huge!How am I supposed to hide it then? Get a girdle?! Am I wrong to feel this way?He just doesnt seem to care about my feelings at all. :o(

[nannon]

Personally i would have thought it was best to tell her as soon as possible so she can feel involcved, and excited with you both. I havent had experience with it myself but a close family friend who had a 7yr old and found she was expecting twins and they involved her straight away so there was no jealousy etc. I'm guessing maybe you partner feels his daughter may be upset or jealous, esp if he doesnt see her all the time but if he knows hoe depressed and upset you are i'm not sure why he doesnt do as you ask - his daughter will find out whether its today tomorrow or 4 months so theres no point in hiding it. And from what i gather stress and upset wont be good for you little one. Maybe you could just sit him down and ask him the real reason he doesnt want to tell her - ask him to be truthful and he may open up...

x Good Luck x

[Schlomo78]

Thanks nannon, I did ask him if it was because he was afraid his ex would tell his daughter that daddy wouldn't love her anymore etc as she has done in the past over other things,but he says thats not it, he just says that its because of what his mum said. He knows how much this has upset me but doesn't seem bothered. I also said that she will find out eventually and its best to involve her but hes not interested.I have a close friend who is expecting and not as far gone as me and she has told her 6 and 3 yr old sons without any problems. I'm at a loss as to what else I can do. I'm seeing a side of him that I don't like very much and sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice at all...

Thanks again for your support, its nice to feel someone is on my side. xx

[zara 4]

You should be enjoying and sharing this excitement with everyone,I loved all the attention i got with my pregnancys,nannon's right that getting the littlun involved early on will help her feel included maybe she could go shopping with you and choose something for the baby,your partner needs to understand that his mother isn't having this baby and living your life YOU ARE! Perhaps he needs to realise this before he loses you both,enjoy your pregnancy,the scan pics,the whole lot,its your home,he may find that keeping it quiet will hurt his daughter in the end,secrets are no good!!

[Le Chat]

There must be another reason why he wont tell his daughter, unless he's so tied to his mother's apron strings that he cant think for himself! I think that you should tell your fiance that he's got x amount of weeks or days left to tell his daughter and after that time you have no intention of hiding your bump any longer. If his daughter then notices, then either you or him will tell her. This is a ridiculous situation, your fiancee must start to take on an adult like responsibility about this or it will start to take its toll on the way you feel about him. I feel for you so much coming off anti depressants also, the withdrawal symptoms can be horrendous. If I were you I'd check back with your Dr to see if there is anything else that he/she can do for you. You may find that they are ok to take in the third trimester. Do find out and don't suffer in this area....it sounds like you've got enough on your plate already!

[lilacben]

Hi Schlomo78 I feel for you. This little girl how long has she known you? and also how is she with you around with her dad.? Thing is prehaps if you have known her for a while now why don.t you and her dad tell her about her "new" baby brother or sister and say words like "we are having a new baby brother or sister " what would you like it to be and think of names together. Includ her now before she finds out otherwise she may think you have not told her because you didn't think it mattered to her.Get her involved as soon as possible, show the the scans, things you have started to collect. But do not forget to tell her that because her daddy is having a baby with you that she will alwas be his number one girl and how much you both love her.I know all about depression as I am suffering myself so I do understand how you feel. Dont let it get to you as this should be your happy time. Sorry but I think his mum is wrong and it should be done sooner than later.One of our granddaughters has a half brother. And she loves him like her other sisters and brother. Good luck and if every you want to talk to someone you can alwas contact me if you wish.

[huge piles]

don't make the new baby a secret... its a new wee brother or sister ffs !! that's something to be celebrated... speak with him... this is a fact that is about to happen ...

you shouldn't be hiding, you should be proud... if the father isn't, then f**k him... this is your baby...

[tobyjug]

As a dad, i'd be delighted. you've gotta tell him though. if you don't, he'll resent you and the relationship will be over fini.... if he's a man hell step up.

[dancealot13]

Schlomo78- This is making me very upset for you. Everyone has made wonderful points, and the only thing I can do is reiterate. Congradulations!!!!!!! You shoulld be celebrating, eating ice cream, watching Disney movies and preparing for the little bambino!!! This hiding thing should end now without any hesitation or doubt. The last thing you need to do is deal with depression.Your husband should be trying to make you the happiest woman in the world right now! So tell him your done hiding, and if he doesn't tell his daughter the next time she's around, YOU are going to tell her yourself. Make sure you tell him how difficult he is making your first pregnancy, and how this is a milestone for you, and it shouldn't be stressfull or hidden from ANYONE. Be strong! xxxcheers

[Schlomo78]

Said fiancee has since told me that he 'needs time to think about things', and he needs a few days to get his head straight.In other words,he wants rid of me and is trying to think of the best way to do it.I think he pretty much tried tonight but I had a counter answer for everything so I guess he needs more time to think up more excuses. I never went into this lightly but I guess its all too much for him so I am left in a quandry now...that'll teach me.

[Le Chat]

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. It took 2 of you to make the baby. If he had not wanted this, he should've provided adequate protection against it. He sounds like a complete ****!!

[lilacben]

Schlomo please look after yourself and the baby. You sound so very down I wish I could just give you a great big hug. Have you any family or close friends around you? You really need someone at the moment. It seems when push came to shove this man of yours needs to learn to grow up. He has one child by another woman and now he has another one on the way with you.All this "need space and time to think" what has he got to think about.?If this is his way of ending your relationship ,although it is very hard on you, it is best it is now and not when you have had the baby. My daughter was with a man 13 years older than her,they lived together he decided he would like to start a family.My daughter had a beatuiful baby girl but when she was a couple of months old he didnt want either of them,didnt want the responsability.!But our granddaughter is now nearly 9 and has a great stepdad and 2 sisters and a baby brother.So dont worry about being alone there are men out there that are great and honest so someone will come along for you both. But for now you must think of yourself and keep well and happy.He has got to make his own mind up as to what he really wants.Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.please. xx

[dancealot13]

Scholom78- Hunny, why? What did he say to you? You do sound down. Everything always works out, keep your head up, and write to us all so we may be of some support to you. Take everything one day at a time.

[Pippa68]

Your fiance would rather listen to his mothers advice than listen to you? don't hide your pregnancy ~ flaunt it! seriously, why should you hide it? it's madness.

[kh_merrills]

Take a look at the scan photo and everything you have bought so far.

Don't give up your dream.

He will be the one that misses out not you.

It will be hard, you know that but not half as hard as being with an idiot that he sounds like to be honest.

I bet you will make a fantastic Mommy.

You said you were on anti depressants before - I bet after you have had your beautiful baby, you wont need them ever again. A warm, friendly, johnsons smelling baby is enough to make anyone feel happy beyond belief!!!!! : )

You will be ok.

Take care and please just write a few words back on here to let us know you are ok. xxxxx

[tobyjug]

erm, hi it's me again. it seemed a bit shorl last time so...

This IS the best thing ever to happen to anyone. this is the reason why we were put on this planet... (refer to oter species that don't believe in god).. It could be the hardest thing you do. I was brought up in a single parent family and as a child you do notice but hmm... opening up a little too far.

what i'm trying to say is that anyone who becomes a parent loves their child and unless this guy is so involved in work he doesn't know what season it is he'll love the child as much as you. let me know if you want to talk. i'm usually online somewhere between 8-11pm bst...

[tobyjug]

erm, hi it's me again. it seemed a bit short last time so...



This IS the best thing ever to happen to anyone. this is the reason why we were put on this planet... (refer to other species that don't believe in god).. It could be the hardest thing you do. I was brought up in a single parent family and as a child you do notice but hmm... opening up a little too far.



what i'm trying to say is that anyone who becomes a parent loves their child and unless this guy is so involved in work he doesn't know what season it is he'll love the child as much as you. let me know if you want to talk. i'm usually online somewhere between 8-11pm bst...

Sorry 'bout spelling, caught wrong button/ certified dslexic, disleic/dizle....

[Schlomo78]

Thank you so much to everyone for your help, I was feeling absolutely at the end of my tether&so,so down but it makes me feel a heck of a lot better knowing that people care and are supportive even though they don't know me.It restores my faith in humanity.

I turned up on his doorstep as he was being so cold to me on the phone&confronted him.He was happy to see me,which was a surprise as I thought he was going to be as off with me as he had been on the phone&he told me he had missed me but didn't realise how much until he saw me.We talked a lot of things through& I told him I had been to the DRs that A.M, basically she said my blood presure was sky high&if I didn't calm down I was going to end up in A&E,she was surprised I hadn't already.

He's afraid of moving&selling his house,leaving his job&then I wouldn't want him&leave him with nothing.Basically he doesn't want to move, but he knows I can't move due to my depression/anxiety,I would be moving100miles away&leaving all my friends/family who know how to cope with me.His family live where I do&so do most of his friends.Also he's worried about financially how we will cope as he will be taking a pay cut&has to find a job.I told him that if everyone looked at the financial side of having a family then no-one would have kids.

I told him that we would manage,there is no alternative really,if I move I'll end up in a mental hospital&he knows it,I've never been able to move away from where I live before,I've only ever lasted a couple of months then had to go back as its where I feel safe &secure.I wish I could do this but I can't&I can't see him moving either now.The question is,can I sustain a relationship with someone who seems to want to do what he likes during the week whilst I struggle with a newborn&just be there when it suits him?What a mess.

Thank you all so so much once again!!! :O)

[biker babe]

wheres the LOVE in all of this? if you have already made the commitment to marry, why arent they over the moon! it makes no odds if the 6yr old knows, im sure the thought of a little baby brother or sister will be lovely for her. why is his mum saying leave it till nearer the time? perhaps theres a reason for this. my dear, i have been married 25yrs have 3 boys 21, 16 and 8yrs old who has special needs ive been to hell and back a few times! if theres enough love things will work out! God bless xxx

[lilacben]

Hello Schlomo, Pleased to hear from you I was getting worried as you hadnt come on here for a while.Didnt realise you lived so far away from each other. what part of the country do you live in.? I am in the west country. I am pleased he was ok with you when you visited him but am worried even more now because of it. If he really loved you he would want to be with you, especielly now, all the time.He is living two lives,one there and you. Have you asked him what he really wants from this relationship after all you are engaged, why did he ask you to marry him if he intends to stay where he is. this year ,next year what difference will it make.? Long distance relationships .how can it last. Oh dear I feel bad about saying all this and I sound so negitive I really dont want to make you more unhappy.If he owns his own home why not let it out,short term if he isnt sure. Then he could move with you. Getting any job until something better comes along. at least you will be together. You said you are in your own place so at least there is somewhere to live.Now the doctor has told you to look after yourself you need this settled now before you make yourself,and the baby, ill.Please write back soon and take care. B xx

[lilacben]

Schlomo are you alright? havnet heard from you since last weekend.Getting concerned for you. B x