Tough question

[dancealot13]

This is probably very hard to discuss, but is there anyone out there that wishes they would have waited to have children or thought about it more before making such a big decision?

[Le Chat]

It is hard to discuss because people, in general are afraid to admit some things about child rearing... especially the facts that it is incredibly taxing, emotionally and physically draining, often boring, it ties you down and can make you feel hopeless and inadequate! It is also very costly and women who stay at home in the formative years can lose confidence in their abilities outside the home.

I have 2 children with 7 1/2 years between them. I only intended to have one and my 2nd child arrived due to the ineffective absorption of the mini pill in a pre-operative situation. (long story) I found it really hard raising my first and I have found it a million times harder raising my second. I give motherhood my all and do not shirk my responsibilities in any way but having my second child at 38 yrs has taken a huge toll on my emotional and physical wellbeing! I love my children so very much but in retrospect one child, for me anyway would have been ideal. My 2nd is now 2 1/2, so I'm hoping that things will sart to get easier. I so admire women who have lots of children and enjoy it all and I wish I had those feelings. I find it so hard, that sometimes I feel like running away and never coming back. (Although I never would) I hope this answers your question dancealot13!!!!

[yummymummy]

I sometimes think it may have been better to wait a couple of years before having my son (I was 24), just to be in a better financial/emotional position, but the timing is never perfect and there is always something you think could be better. As it turns out, we (me, bf and little chap) have done well so far, are coping with finances and have a bright future so we did it at the right time.

There's never a completely right time!

[dancealot13]

Le Chat- Thank you for sharing. It's something I think about often because I am almost 25 now, and have been in a serious relationship for quite some time. I've never really had a strong desire for children, infact I think it's the idea of children and a family that is romantic, ...but to actually go through with it, I would imagine, would be quite difficult. I observe so many fathers that just sit there watching tv. while the mother does everything. I couldn't handle that, and if my situation someday resembles what I see now,...I can bet I would feel like running away from it all.

Often I here all the good things about being a parent, so Im just wondering how the difficult times effect us?

[kh_merrills]

I love being a Mom more than anything else I have ever done but yes some times it hard.

Le Chat is to be congratulated on being so honest because many wouldn't.

I am 22 and was a Mom at 21 which is quite young I think.

Luckily I have a great Husband who is very "hands on" when he isn't at work.

I decided to stay at home and be the best Mom I can to my Daughter, money is tight but we get by. We don't have any other benefits paid other than Child Benefit which every one gets.

I was very outgoing before but not so much now. I some times feel I'm just a Mom and Wife and not so much Kate anymore. I miss her occasionally but I know I would miss the new me more.

My answer is no - I wouldn't have waited despite what I have just wrote as honestly, in my view - it's 100% worth it.

I love her more than anything and even if I could have her exactly as she is in 5 years time I still wouldn't change my life from how it is today.

But ask me when she hits the terrible two's and I may say different!!!!!

You will know when you are ready and don't put any pressure on yourself. If you decide not to have kids ever then that's totally up to you - many don't and are happy.

[mycatis]

I was 18 when I had my son and I did go through a stage a few years ago where I wished I had done stuff first (travel the world go. to university etc) and I always felt guilty about those feelings, like I was wishing my son away. I love him more than live itself, so that was a hard feeling to accept. But to be honest, I am now 28, he is 10 (obviously lol) and I am at college, getting ready to get a good job. I feel like my boy is going to be a bit more independant soon (sob) and I will still be young enough to get a job and have my life.

(And we, my boy and I, have THE BEST fun!)

[raysparx]

With Hindsight,which is a wonderful thing we would have had children earlier,I am 58 now and my first son was born when I was 27 and the second when I was 30, but who knows how life will pan out? we had 3 great years of marriage before having children, and maybe if we had,had them earlier we might not still be together,so all i think is what will be will be,if I am making any sense, I really feel very lucky how my life has been so far..

[Lou Knee]

hey ho! Ihad our first 2 children at 23 and 24. I had a lot more energy then and really did enjoy them although as I decided the best course of action was to be a stay at home Mum money was always tight. But that makes you more resourceful, I think! Our 3rd child was born when I was 38. I had a lot less energy then but I found I had ooooodles more patience.

If you wait till you can afford children you will never have them. You get by financially because you have no other choice. I do not regret a single minute of the time I have spent with my children. I stayed as a stay at home Mum until no 3 was 10 and then I decided to go for a part time job even though money is still not flowing in rivers to our door...........lol.....I always wanted to be at home when they came home from school, and also on hand during the day so that the school could contact me and I could be there in record breaking time!

Parenthood is not for everyone and should you decide to become one, you have to put them at the top of your list,...........a list on which you yourself do not appear!!

[cazz218]

its one of those 'forever binding' decisions. i have 2 kids (now 19 & 16) and never once thought i made a wrong decision having them. I suffered very badly from depression after both but managed to get thru the other side with two wonderful children. Best decision i ever made in my life

cazz x

[ronnie963]

i was 17 when i became a mum and now i have 3 i love my kids and do everything for them but i was to young and didn,t really have much of life experances i wish almost everyday if i could have had 10 years more "me time" i would have. when i see these young kids pushing prams i feel so sorry for them, although they can make good parents they miss out on so much, well i did. And i dont just mean nights out on the p*ss. This should be taught in school along with sex education. Oh well better go and feed the little blitters :-)

[Sparkles3]

I had my children at 28 and 30 and had been with my partner since I was 18. We made a conscious decision to have children. My children are the best thing that ever happened to me and when I think of them my heart is just ready to burst, I have never felt such love. That said, I intended to be a stay-at-home mum (at least for the first 5 years) but have ended up going back 3 days a week. Working 3 days has meant that I really enjoy the 4 days with the children, and they go to nursery for those 3 days and enjoy that. I did not imagine what it would be like to be a wife and a mother - very important and fulfilling roles - but I didn't feel that I was someone in my own right. I'd heard people say that and thought it was silly - but actually found I wanted something just for myself - an outcome I did not expect for me when deciding to have children.

If I'm honest, I also resent not being able to nip away for a weekend, or just spontaneously go out to the pub/for a meal in the evening - I so wish I had made the most of those opportunities when we had the freedom to do so.

I've been entirely honest here - so I hope it helps. I think you can think about the way it will be, but you don't know how it will be until you are actually the person doing it for real.

I hope this doesn't come across as negative, because all that said, I think I'm doing a great job as a mum and wouldn't change it for the world. There's a real dichotomy - I guess the grass is always greener isn't it! But as I said, I don't regret my decision to have children I absolutely love them to bits - my regret is not making the most of my freedom before having them.

[Bohne]

I am happy, that I have waited as long as I did.
I am now 34, expecting my first baby, and had a wonderful selfish life up to now!

I wouldn't want to miss all the things I did for the world.
Now I am ready to give some of my time to someone else!

:o)

[maursie]

I had my kids when i was 30 and 34 and am glad i waited till then. When i was pregnant with my first child i remember being quite terrified about what i had done but it is worth it in the end. However i would agree with a couple of the answers on here in that make the most of your freedom when you have it - it's easier now the kids are a bit older but the loss of being able to do anything at any time does take a bit of getting used to.

[dancealot13]

Sparkles3- Well said. Thank you for taking the time.

I appreciate all of your responses, and enjoy hearing your storys ;)

[nic..nic32]

i had my first child when i was 16 and my second when i was 19,they are now 16 and 13 and ive just had a third baby who is 3months old. i do find it harder now than when i was younger but im glad i had my 2 children young because now they are a great help with my third

[smudge]

I had our first daughter at nearly 18 & our second daughter at nearly 21. I am glad I had them both young.

I managed to go back to work when they were 6 & 9 years old & had a successful career afterwards. We've travelled to many other countries as a family & had lots of happy & wonderful times together.

We are now enjoying being young Grandparents!

[Liza B]

We had our first child at 18, twins at 21 and more twins at 23. Bringing up 5 children at that young age was hard but we did it. Looking back now we never really had time to enjoy them except for the first, (who was a great baby slept all the time) but we didn't realise that she was so good till the others came along. I was always stressed and always shouting, I wish I had been a bit older maybe 25 and had a longer age gap, and maybe more life skills. My husband worked all the time to have money to support us. I was a stay at home mum for 17 years and trying to get into work is a nightmare. We are now 37 and have a grandchild, who we love to bits but could not go back to all the baby stages again. So in answer to your question for us I would say mid 20's, so I could have had a life before and try to pick it up later. I feel for my daughter who had the baby at 17 and I can see her going the same way as me and there is nothing I can do to stop it, all my friends started work before me and have drifted away. We just thought lets have a baby and then another no thought to what life would be like down the road, when you are that young you do not think in advance, you live for now.

[dancealot13]

Liza B.- Incredible. Thank you for sharing.

[Catso]

I met my now wife when I was in my late- and her mid-thirties. We thought we'd wait a bit to make sure we would be staying together. What with one thing and another, 5 years soon passed. However, it turns out she has fertility problems. Her age has some bearing on this, but more so that we can't get any treatment as the NHS now views her (at 42) as 'past it'.

So don't procrastinate for too long! You will always be able to find a reason to 'wait til next year', but the years soon go by. There'll never be a perfect time (as shown above: some people say being young is best, some, old). If you do want kids, just go for it, remember it might take a couple of years to get pregnant.

[dancealot13]

catso-Thank you for sharing. If you don't mind me asking, have you and your wife thought about adopting?

[Catso]

Yes, but decided not to to bother. Again, age comes in to it and you can understand why they'd rather 'give' a child to a young couple. And we're both white and what you could call 'middle class' so I don't think we'd stand much chance.
It's just 'one of them things', fate, whatever. We have each other.