My sisters abusive man

[Scarlett]

I have had virtually no relationship with my sister for 15 years, since she got together with a really nasty, abusive man, who hates me. (He also hates everyone else). She has admitted (to my other sister) that she no longer wants to be with him, but doesn't know how to go about having that conversation. To give you an idea of what he is like, I have been very ill this last week, and unable to walk. I asked her if she would come over and post some letters etc for me. She was out with her new (midlife crisis) friends (all students of hers- v. unprofessional) so she asked her bloke to do it.

He was so angry, he stopped trying to fix their leaking loo, stormed over to my house (over the road) to get the letters, and then deliberately LEFT the broken loo so that it flooded all over the place. When she got home she had a flood to deal with.

He is a very cruel and nasty person. I technically "don't know" about any of this. But what can I do to get her to stop wasting her life on this idiot, and make the break? She has no kids, just the issue of the house.

[dot.hawkes]

This sounds very complex, what else has he done apart from help you out when he was trying to fix a leak that makes him cruel and nasty?

[Amara]

Hi Scarlett - I realise this must be very tough seeing your sister whom you love in this relationship, but this has to be her decision for her to make when she is ready. The best thing you can do is make it clear that you love and support her and you will be there if and when she needs you, in whatever form that might be, and encourage other family members and friends to do the same. This may be what she needs to give her the strength and courage to leave, if that is what she wants to do. You are a wonderful person to care so much, but use your frustration and concern in a positive way, it is wsted being angry and worrying so much. Love and light - Amara xx

[vehelpfulguy]

You cannot make her break up with him, she has to want to do it of her own accord.

If your sister does want to break up with him I would plan it very carefully as he sounds the sort of person who will not take it well and it could turn nasty.

Also, if he is as bad as you make out he will not take kindly if he thinks you are interfering, men like this can be very violent and abusive if they think others are trying to break up their relationship.

I suggest she talks to Relate who have experience of this sort of thing,

She should also talk to anybody who deals with aggresive partners or domestic violence to see if they can suggest how to make the break.

After 15 years I am afraid it is not going to be easy or pleasant.

Some web sites

http://www.relate.org.uk/

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_violence/index.shtml

[Scarlett]

Dot, I could spend the rest of my life answering that question. He is a bully. He is agressive. He won't let her have her friends over. He had made her choose between him and her family. He has made her give up her relationship with me, which also included the band we used to do together (singing). He has ruined every family xmas we have had in the last 15 years by being surly, miserable and rude to my Mum about her cooking etc. He is just a very negative, bitter person. Like a spoilt child.

[squiperly]

What a mess - that's the trouble in a situation like this, it's usually the people who have to watch it all happening who actually suffer. I've usually found that the more you tell someone their other half is no good, the more they stick together - God knows why!

Perhaps if you and your family just leave her to realise for herself what she's got into, she might leave all the quicker. The most important thing is though - let her know she's got people who will always be there for her, that she won't be all alone in the world if she leaves him.