Which way do I go?

[Notsure]

I have been with my lovely fella for 5 yrs now and we have a three yr old daughter. However recently I met the most wonderful guy who is sexy caring and funny. It has made me realise I don't fancy my boyfriend. Also I have always been part of a couple since I was 14 ( Im 22 now) and I crave some freedom. Do I do the right thing and keep my little girl with her dad even if I don't particularly want to be there or do I do something for me? My head is all over the place.

[Notsure]

So what happened with you and your ex caz, you obviously didnt work it out as you say ex

[caz21]

It was a few years ago i was younger, i dont have children and it wasn't a good relationship for lots of complicated reasons!

I cheated on him and pushed him away because i felt guilty! but i did decide to stay with him, was even going to move miles away to live with him when he went to uni! He went to uni and a few weeks later broke up with me because it was too far away!

[Notsure]

Ah well thats different I suppose we cant really compare can we. I do love my bloke but im not sure if (and ihate this saying) its become more like brotherly love? I really dont fancy him anymore, Oh this is just horrible.

[mimififi]

WHile our children always should come first above anything else, sometimes it is too easy to focus on your child/children instead of on each other. At the end of the day it sounds like you need to rekindle your relationship and get to know each other again not as daughters mum or daughters dad but as each other's partner.

See if you can perhaps go away with each other for a weekend or something, or make time each week for a 'date evening' and get a sitter or ask a friend/family to watch you little girl while you go to the flicks/pub/club/beach etc.

Give your energy to your partner, flirt with him, dress for him, cook for him and then tell me that his attitude to you and you to him doesn't change.

Relationships are hard work and sometimes we need to choose to love a person.

have fun being the new you!

[CliffsPansy]

Starbar is talking sense. Just what sort of legacy are passing onto your Daughter, you selfish bitch. Just grow up and accept that you created this situation and must make it work. Surely, we all know that a new `love` is always SO SO exciting - NOW, but in a few years you will be in the same position - maybe with another child - and then a few years after the same, and so on. Because so many couples seem to think it normal to move on to new partners, they do so, giving someone else the excuse to do the same - because every one does it!.

[unruliejulie]

what right have you got to call Notsure a selfish bitch!Obviously if she was that selfish she would have gone withourt a thought for anyone else. I suggest you actually read her replies. I think thats a hateful thing to say and with "advice" like that, i think you need to shut up!

[~Wingnut~]

Hi Notsure,

To me it sounds like maybe you need some more "us" time with your partner. A candle lit supper or even just taking a take away to bed and watching telly, something different that you don't usually do, just to keep that spark there.
I have been where you are, in the aspect of feeling a bit trapped. At the age of 22 I also had a 3 year old at the time and was going thru some other personal hell, but talked it thru with my husband and explained how I felt, we worked together to make sure we made time for the other and always talked about how we felt if things didn't feel like they were going right. We came thru it and when my friends moan about their husbands and lack of romance etc.. I just think to myself how lucky I am as thru communitcation we managed to catch that sparkle and are very happy and aware of each other's feelings.
You've had some great advice on here, I hope things work out for you.

[unruliejulie]

can i just clarify cliffspansy, i don't object to your proper advice, that is your opinion but just calling someone names who has asked for help is not accepatable and certainly not called for. She is a 23 year old girl in need of some "friendly" advice.

[~Wingnut~]

Sorry I meant to say as well that I went thru the whole thing of feeling like you were missing out going out every Friday and Saturday or just missing out on something! It does pass and you realise that that's not the be all and end all of life, I'd rather stay in and have a bottle of wine than go out these days (I'm only 28 btw) and I'm glad I didn't act on the urges I had for wanting to go out all the time. I think what your feeling is perfectly normal for someone of your age to be honest.
Good luck :o)

[unruliejulie]

My son was 18months old when my marriage ended. I didn't love my Husband any more and because of my past, i chose not to put him through what i went through. We are now both very happily married to other people, have had 3 more children between us and get along great, partners and all. Without knowing peoples backgrounds, its hard to judge others and their reasons. I married for all the wrong reasons because my childhood was very unstable. I need security but didn't realise that at the time. Im so glad i left my marriage because we are all happier people for it! After the initial hurt it was the best possible decision. My son is very very close to his Dad and Step-Mum and is very happy. Thats why being callled a selfish bitch is not on!

[atolhurst]

No need for offensives Cliffspansy, surely?

Notsure, I think you need to talk to your bf quite soon. Perhaps bring up that things haven't been like they were for a while and let the conversation go from there.

Of course, if you don't want things to get back to where they were with him, and you have infact just grown apart you need to address that with him too. The relationship may just have run its course - that sometimes happens (how many couples in the world end up splitting, after all?!?!) can't be helped whether there's a child involved or not because it sometimes just happens.

You just need to make sure that other distractions (such as the new man you mentioned) don't make you do things for the wrong reasons.

Either way, sitting tight isn't going to work; you'll be unhappy and it'll rub off on him and your child. So as hard as it sounds, talk to him. Ask him what he thinks about the relationship, have things changed etc etc

And re the anniversary of your mums death, without trying to sound harsh, I think you're being quite unfair with this. Some people just are forgetful. I don't know if you have any friends whose birthday you tend to forget; I know I do - it doesn't mean I think any less of these people, I just forget it's their birthday as the date has no reference to me personally.

So if you know he'll forget because that's the way he is, then you ought to tell him it;s coming up and ask him to be supportive/mindful.

[4getmenot]

Name calling when you dont know someone is certainly a time when you should grow up. Notsure needs help right now. Not everyone will agree with her view or some of the others but there is no need to be so harsh as to call her selfish. If she was selfish she would have no thought for her child whatsoever. I cant see that anyone else who is unhappy should stay in that situation because they made themselves that way.

[joko]

oh well, if its so simple, why didn't notsure think of that before?

you expect her to just put up with it because she was young and regrets getting tied down too soon!! ??

great advice guys, really helpful, silly notsure for not just dealing with this complicated problem by saying "tough sh*t, i made my bed..."

if only all of life problems could be dealt with by the issuing of a short sharp simplistic statement from a stranger!

life is too short to spend it being miserable

notsure, wait a while, it may just be an infatuation, a crush, you will see your true feelings in time, don't rush into somehting because of lust and a crush.

incidentally, how do you know he forgets your anniversary? men are notoriously bad at any anniversary, but could it be that he just doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to mention it because he doesn't want to bring it up, opening the wound - lots of people struggle with knowing how do deal with this kind of thing.

[Notsure]

Thanks everyone your advice is helping and makins sense. with the exception of cliffspansy who I shall just ignore, as if I havent been called worse than that before! And thanks Joko I think that is what I will do. As long as my daughter turns into a well rounded individual thats all I care about. Which will happen,regardless of what I do because even if I am
a selfish bitch and immature as I have been called today I KNOW I am a good mother to her.

[4getmenot]

And thats all that counts :-)

[raysparx]

Hi Notsure, you aren't being selfish,you are being honest as to how you feel, all I can say is think about what YOU really want out of your life,and how that can be achieved along with your lovely little girl being happy, Good luck, Ray xx