Would you walk away from a relationship if you couldn't agree on marriage?

[Wee Kaz]

I''m 30 and have been in a loving relationship for 6 years now and the past year I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend doesn't want to get married simply coz he doesn't believe in it. He said it's not personal and loves me dearly but it's just the way he views it. We have talked very calmly about it all to try and see if we can agree on it but we are at loggerheads and have talked about going our seperate ways as we run into problems every time someone around us gets engaged/married etc. and it ends up puttin a strain on things.

I have tried hard to move on and forget about marriage as I love him very much but it's very hard as it's something I really believe in and I don't know if I can deny myself something I really believe in. Please don't be harsh as I am struggling here and need some sound advice not any nastyness :o( Has anyone experienced the same problem and how did it end up?

[minimonkey]

i am in exactly the same position as you (even down to our age and how long we have been going out with each other!). It is very difficult ...heartbreaking actually...coupled with the prospect of starting again at 30!! I know exactly how you feel ...if you want to discuss drop your email address or something cos i cannot go into too much detail on here!!

X

[Pippa68]

It is a difficult one.

It took 2 kids & ten years for me to get Mr Pippa to tie the knot. A previous marriage had put him right off! I didn't push him, but did let him know that marriage was important to me. Although to be honest I do think that we wouldn't be married today if I hadn't booked it all...he did always address me as his wife, and said he loved me to bits ~ but marriage scared him 'in case it didn't work out'.

Don't know what to suggest ~ however if this is very important to you (and him) one of you will have to compromise, or ship out...it really all depends on whether you can both carry on as you are.

[ermintrude35]

...I split up with my ex more or less for the same reasons, only he wanted to get married and I didn't....

starting over at any age isn't easy (I was 34 and he was 39 at the time)...but I prefered to finish it rather than feel I was stringing him along because I was too scared to go it alone, I have been single for 3 years now and having the time of my life, he has met someone else and is engaged , I am very happy for him.

...good luck to you whatever happens, I hope you resolve your issues soon....

[Miss Zippy]

I was in a similar situation when I was 28: I was within someone for 9 years in total and he desperately wanted to get married and I didn't and this led to our splitting up. It was tough and it felt like I lost my right arm but it was the right thing to do. I am now madly in love with a man who I'm engaged to and can't wait to marry. In hindsight I know that I didn't want to marry my ex because I knew deep down he wasn't my one, although I also made the same excuses about marriage not being important. If your man loves you, he will do anything to make you happy including marrying you but ultimately only you can decide if you are prepared to settle for a relationship that is not going where you want it to.

[Wee Kaz]

minimonkey, you have no idea how good it feels to know that I am not alone on this one, although I mean good you know what I mean. I have never did this on AB before as your private life is private but I am just so desperate and don't know where to go from here. My e-mail address is [email protected], I will look forward to hearing from you hun, maybe we can help to get each other through this. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to consider and it's breaking my heart x

[Amara]

Kaz this is a tough one - there are several ways of looking at this - there are many "marriages" ie the service and piece of paper that are not happy and joyful and end in divorce, on the other hand there are lots of good relationships without the official bit that work and last.. It also depends on his reasons for not wanting to and yours for wanting to? Write down all the reasons you love him and why you are in this relationship and weigh up what it is you truly want out of your life. If you do not think you can be happy in a happy, loving relationship without a ring on your finger then it may be time to move on. Whatever you do I wish you lots of love - Amara xx

[Wee Kaz]

I didn't realise my e-mail address was going to come up like that, I thought it would've been sent straight to you minimonkey, what did I do wrong here?? Please advise as I don't want loads of crap on my e-mail, can I e-mail AB to get it taken off now you've got a note of my address?

[Wee Kaz]

thanks Amara, I appreciate your advice and will try it and ask him to do the same. He's from a family where his parents only divorced a couple of years ago and spent years seeing his mum unhappy. I on the other hand have parents who are still so in love after 30 years so we have very different backgrounds. I want the marriage to be his wife and take his name and cement our relationship, I don't want it for the ring or the actual wedding. I even said we'd have no more than 10 folk and do everything the way he wanted but he backed out after 3 months of discussing it and it's been all down hill from there.

[PinkFizz]

ive put my email add on here before and ive never had any trouble.If you are that worried get that answer reported and it will be removed.x

[Wee Kaz]

thanks Pinkfizz, I thought it would've been starred out and I paniced I guess. If you've had no probs then that's good enough for me x

[Amara]

Hi Kaz - It is a little bit clearer now why he is reluctant. It is difficult when a child's (albeit a grown up one's) parents split up - it completely tears apart the foundations that you have built your life on. I think you need to be a little patient with him on this, gently reassure him that marrying is the biggest comittment you can give one another and if he looks at your parents he can see that your role models are good ones and that your marriage is likely to work, if you both want it to. I think you can win him over but I think it is going to be a gradual process of gentle persuasion and trust - I think leaving could be a big mistake, he will see this as proof that he was right not to marry you. Love him unconditionally now and love yourself too. There was a thread on here yesterday about cosmic ordering - send your intention out to the universe and see what happens - it works for me - Love and light - Amara xx

[Wee Kaz]

Believe me Amara, I have tried EVERY approach on this one. Even last night I assured him that I would work my as* off to make our marriage work and I can't go on living in the shadow of his parents failed marriage. I have used my parents as an example to show that some do work but he can't accept this and says that the minute you get married you lose respect and it's easier to walk away. I personally think the opposite as I could quite easily walk away just now but if we were married then I wouldn't take it so lightly. I guess over everything rejection is the hardest part and it's the hardest thing to deal with, it truly eats your heart up.

[Wee Kaz]

Minimonkey, did you get my e-mail address okay, I've been trying to log in to it but it keeps freezing on me so can't get access to your mail if you've sent one yet. I know you'll be checking this site as we have the same thing in common so speak soon hopefully x

[Amara]

Ah Kaz - This is really hard for you but I am certain he will come through for you in the end. Don't let this feeling of being rejected eat away at you, this is his issue and he has to face it and deal with it. Would he consider seeing someone to talk about this like a counsellor maybe?

[minimonkey]

My problem is that i knew the situation when we started seeing each other but it didn't concern me at 24!! his reasons are that he has been married before and also has kids and he doesn't want to do it again.....over the years he has decided that he would marry me after all and that i have changed his view on women etc and he loves me more than anyone (except his kids i guess) but the real sticking point we have is that i want kids and he NEVER does. that is something on which there is no compromise or negotiation. i stupidly always thought i could change his mind but i couldn't. we split up a few months ago but can't seem to leave each other alone ....so now we are in a weird limbo cos we love each other....obviously i know what i SHOULD do but i just can't never see him again ....

[Wee Kaz]

Minimonkey, my friend has just split from her boyf of 5 years and she's 31 and it was because he NEVER wants kids. She's moved back into her mums and I reassured her that she's doing the right thing and that she's been extremely strong and brave but I know she's hurting big time so know you must be too.

Amara, if I thought there was half a chance that he'd change his mind I'd be patient but he said last night that he won't and I know that COULD change but will it? I have considered speaking to him over the weekend about seeing a counsellor together but he's extremely quite and doesn't even confide in his friends about his private life - his best mate didn't even know his folks had split up as he never told him. I am staying with a friend tonight, having a drink so using that as an excuse to stay away but he'll know my head's wasted and I think the night apart will help us think things through and talk about it over the weekend x

[Amara]

The more you say about him the more I think it sounds like he definitely would benefit from seeing someone. It is sad that he can't even talk to his friend. Some time apart may be a good thing for you both. Don't give up hope just yet, like I said I believe he will come through for you, I just think he's scared. x Be strong Kaz, you are a beautiful and loving person and I think he is too. Amara x

[minimonkey]

mate it does sound like he is just scared....but would he not be more scared if he lost you?? thats his decision to make - i bet he would not want to lose you......my friends have said the same thing to me but i like to think that someone would want to marry me because THEY want to not because I want them to ....you know what i mean?

[Wee Kaz]

Everyone loves him, he rocks! My family all love him too but even they can't understand his resistance to commit to marrying me even with his parents past. They know how much it means to me and my Dad is so frustrated by the whole thing that he's even been tempted to talk to him a few times but I have politely asked him not to and he has respected that. He is so private so it's hard as he doesn't have friends to share their opinions with and perhaps see my point of view for a change. Thanks for your kind words Amara, I wish he could see what you guys are saying but if he had any idea I was doing this he'd hit the roof! I am very open and openly talk about how he must be feeling but he very seldom gives me anything back, it's a hard one. Sometimes he's so deep that I don't even think he knows how he feels about stuff!

[Wee Kaz]

Yeah minimonkey I know what you mean. Getting married to the person who you love and admit to wanting to be with shouldn't be chore, if you love them so much and see how much you are hurting them then how different would his life be if he made this grand gesture? His life wouldn't change one iota however mine will never truly feel complete - the same with you minimonkey with wanting kids.

His life won't change at all but he'll make me so happy, however mine will change hugely if we don't get married and I will be devastated - how can that be a difficult decision to make if you love someone so much and already admit that you will spend the rest of your life with them so much so you discuss your retirement plans and how to get money together for it etc.? It really has screwed my head up, even I don't understand his resistance any more.