death in family.......when do you tell Parents

[matt66]

A friend of mine is in a dilemma. sadly his brother (married with children) committed suicide. His elderly parents are in Lourdes on a pilgrimage. The family has not told the parents as they are due back in 2 days. the reason being that the parents are frail, father has a weak heart and they are afraid that they will collapse in grief in a foreign country. Is it right not to tell the parents upto 5 days after their sons death.

[redcrx]

Can your friend not travel out to see them?
I dont think it fair to decide if they should be told straight away or not but your friend may not be thinking straight at the moment and obviously thinks that this is for the best.

[Lonnie]

Hi matt, A terrible thing, and a terrible dilemma, my heart goes out to them and your friend.

Personally speaking, and i'm not a councillor, I would wait until they get back, the news has to come from his brother.

I don't really think there's any real way to cushion the news, all he can do, is make sure he, and other family and friends are there for them, and give as much support as possible. Good liuck.

[matt66]

Travelling out to Lourdes at short notice when so much is happening at home is very difficult. besides will not the fact that someone has arrived in Lourdes itself a sign that something is wrong. he does not want to have to break the news there and for them to collapse and have an attack of sorts. Its a very difficult decision.

[Octavius]

What an awful situation to be in, I sympathise with your friend.

There is no right time to tell them but they do need to be told as soon as possible. As some delay has already occurred, perhaps waiting for them to get home is the way forward - at least then close members of the family will be at hand to comfort each other.

[redcrx]

My personal opinion is that he should have gone out to Lourdes as soon as he could to tell them. I dont think its right to hold it from them for 5 days and then say that they werent told in case they collapsed away from home. But that is only what i think and im sure that its not so cut and dried if youre in the situation.
I hope that your friend tells them soon and that they understand his reasons behind his decision, i really do.

[loobie]

Hi Matt,

My family had a the same thing. My cousin died (at first it was thought he had comitted suicide but he actually had a massive heart attack - he was only 40) and his parents were on holiday in Australia. They were due home within a few days and my other cousin decided to wait until they got back before telling them, as the shock would be too much for them to deal with being that they were so far away.
Obviously it was not nice for them to come home to - they knew something was seriously wrong when my cousin and my dad were at their house on their arrival - but far better than being grief stricken on a long journey home.

Very sorry to hear of this news x

[Hellion]

Oh what a sad position to be in, on balance though I t hink that supporting his brothers children needs to be the priority and it may be better to allow his parents to come home before telling them. The only reason I say that is travelling is very stressful at the best of times and travelling under the weight of such sad news would be doubley so but this is so difficult, they will be hurt that no one told them but less so than the hurt of the death of their son.

[Ed Strong]

What a horrible situation for your friend. However, Ward~minter has given good, sound advice as usual.

[PinkFizz]

What a terrible dilemma.But I agree - I would wait until they return to tell them.If they are very frail then making the long journey home knowing their son is dead could be too much for them.

[Rubyrose]

I was thinking the same thing Wardy... what if the news gets to them before they reach home.. like what if they bump into someone they know or someone rings them! Do it at the airport. Its the only way. I don't think they should have to wait 5 days to find out but at the same time I don't think they should be told while they are so far from home. They have the rest of their lives to deal with this tragedy... I doubt it will make much difference if they find out a few days later.
xx

[matt66]

Thanks to all....I have told him of Ward Minters suggestion, it is a good one and none in his family had thought of it.