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Parents and divorce at 66
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My Mother told me today that she should have left my Dad 20 years ago. He is a horrible, violent bully and made our lives hell when we were younger. My Mum had high hopes for her retirement, and wanted to do lots with it. My Dad however just wants routine, to get up, walk the dog, go to town, have lunch, watch TV.... My Mum wants to travel etc. She has no friends that live locally and she hates where we live. She is basically middle class and my Dad is working class. She only married him cos she was pregnant.
She is really unhappy in this town and wants to move back to canterbury where we lived for 5 years, and where she had a much happier and more vibrant life. He refuses to even discuss it. He clearly thinks that he is winding down now, and often says "you can do what you like when I've gone"-ie dead. He had a quadruple bypass operation 15 years ago, so clearly does not expect to last much longer even though he is perfectly fit!
I have asked her to talk to my Dad about the way she is feeling and she tries, but he ignores her or walks out. He is very controlling and wants her to be the little wife she has always been.
Is there a solution to this? My Dad refuses to move, even though I am sure they would be happier and have more friends if they did. My Mum is getting stomach problems and is worried she may get an ulcer now, because she is being completely repressed by him.
Any ideas if this can be resolved?
She is really unhappy in this town and wants to move back to canterbury where we lived for 5 years, and where she had a much happier and more vibrant life. He refuses to even discuss it. He clearly thinks that he is winding down now, and often says "you can do what you like when I've gone"-ie dead. He had a quadruple bypass operation 15 years ago, so clearly does not expect to last much longer even though he is perfectly fit!
I have asked her to talk to my Dad about the way she is feeling and she tries, but he ignores her or walks out. He is very controlling and wants her to be the little wife she has always been.
Is there a solution to this? My Dad refuses to move, even though I am sure they would be happier and have more friends if they did. My Mum is getting stomach problems and is worried she may get an ulcer now, because she is being completely repressed by him.
Any ideas if this can be resolved?
Answers
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This is so sad, because as this age, nobody really knows how much life they've got left and I think your mother has more than done her duty, staying with a controlling husband with whom she has nothing in common.
Your father is using a typical defence mechanism, blanking somebody or refusing to discuss something which is uncomfortable to deal with, but unless your mother grabs the opportunity now to try and sort it out, her life will just sadly wither away and she will become more and more unhappy and become ill, which it seems is already happening. Your father, it seems, couldn't care less about this.
So maybe you have to supoort her and give her the emotional courage to take the bull by the horns and issue an ultimatum to your father. Either they move together, or she moves alone. But this will involve separation or divorce and I wonder whether your mother has a pension and the financial means to support herself while this is happening, and afterwards..
I suspect that despite being controlling, your father may actually underneath be lacking in self confidence and afraid of facing new challenges/ You don't say whether you still live at home with your parents. Could you and your mother make the move together? Perhaps then your father would discover that life on his own is not such a pleasant option.
One thing is for sure. Either your mother has the courage to make the first move or nothing will change.. Your father certainly doesn't sound as if he will. If she can't or won't "up sticks" all she can do is try and make new friends locally by joining clubs and societies, and making a life of her own which doesn't include your father.
Your father is using a typical defence mechanism, blanking somebody or refusing to discuss something which is uncomfortable to deal with, but unless your mother grabs the opportunity now to try and sort it out, her life will just sadly wither away and she will become more and more unhappy and become ill, which it seems is already happening. Your father, it seems, couldn't care less about this.
So maybe you have to supoort her and give her the emotional courage to take the bull by the horns and issue an ultimatum to your father. Either they move together, or she moves alone. But this will involve separation or divorce and I wonder whether your mother has a pension and the financial means to support herself while this is happening, and afterwards..
I suspect that despite being controlling, your father may actually underneath be lacking in self confidence and afraid of facing new challenges/ You don't say whether you still live at home with your parents. Could you and your mother make the move together? Perhaps then your father would discover that life on his own is not such a pleasant option.
One thing is for sure. Either your mother has the courage to make the first move or nothing will change.. Your father certainly doesn't sound as if he will. If she can't or won't "up sticks" all she can do is try and make new friends locally by joining clubs and societies, and making a life of her own which doesn't include your father.
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Scarlett, I know it is hard,but your mum should leave him, we are only here the once,so we have got to make the most of it, she sounds very sad and at a time she should be looking forward to a happy retirement, I think she really needs to sit him down,tell him to shut up and listen for once,and really let rip at him,it might even shock him into thinking a bit, you say he is "violent" does he hit your mum,please tell me he doesn't, if he won't listen to ypour mum,maybe you all need to sit down and tell him things have got to change, I wish you luck Scarlett, xx
To be honest, I think that she needs to say to him that even if he is ready to give up on life - she is not!! There seems to be no love left if he is treating the way he does and she is so unhappy. She is still young and can do loads with her life. I don't think that the fact that you say she is middle class and he is working class makes any difference at all. It is the individuals that matter, not the class! If I were her daughter I would encourage and support her in leaving your dad. He clearly doesn't care an iota about her happiness, so doesn't deserve her! I hope she finds the courage to make the break, as I really don't think that bullies change that much. I was married to such a man and leaving him was the best thing I could have done. If you can assure your mum that you will be there to support her, she might not be frightened of being on her own again. At least if she was on her own she would have the freedom to have friends and enjoy life. Life is too short to waste on a bully and control freak! I wish your mum and you strength and courage and much happiness in the future.
that sounds very similar to my family. umm, i know this sounds harsh, but try to scare your dad so he has to face up to it. i don't know how you could do it, i don't know, go house hunting in canterbury or do something so he has to face up to it....sadly i have to cope with my father and how he treats my family like... s*** for atleast another 3 years until i can legally leave home really :(, anyway, hope all goes well with you x
Leave him, I'm afraid. At his age he's not going to change and the danger is that she's going to hang around hoping he will until she's run out of life.
Why don't you take her on holiday so she can have some space to decide, you can get last minute cruises for about �300 and it sounds to me as if she desperately needs to get away so she can make a rational decision. I hope it works out well for her, it's an awful situation.
Why don't you take her on holiday so she can have some space to decide, you can get last minute cruises for about �300 and it sounds to me as if she desperately needs to get away so she can make a rational decision. I hope it works out well for her, it's an awful situation.
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If your dad is a violent controlling bully then in his head he has the last word on everything. Your mum can do as she pleases, she doesnt need his permission. There are ways out, even after all these years. She could contact the National Domestic Violence helpline, or simply get her stuff and go. Men like this are simply inadequate and choose to behave the way they do, no one provokes them into hitting and bullying. Try to persuade her to get out and esccape this horrible man.
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