''friends''

[havinmysay]

i have been best friends with this girl for over 12 years she has 3 kids and 1 on the way to 4 different dads(she's only 23) iv recently decieded to stop seeing her as she cant look after the kids she's got they always look scruffy hardly got any clothes and they are always ill with stomach bugs i think this is because their house is so filthy.Because of all this i wont go and see her anymore i dont want my son or myself in that environment she has now told me she has just bought a rotweiler(of all dogs she could have chose from)aswell as the 2 cats always covered in fleas she has.I really worry about these kids the've had a number of accidents in the house and now she is having another.Does anyone think im being unreasonable about all this? and what can i do to tell her i dont want to be friends anymore iv not seen her for about 2 months now and she is starting to ask why i havn't been to see her.
thanks x

[Aquagility]

It really sounds as though this girl needs the help of Social Services. If you tell her so, you will have done your best for her, and you will solve your dilemma - she won't ever speak to you again!

[makemesmile]

No, the way you feel is perfectly reasonable. As to whether you tell her or not depends on how much you consider her children and animals to be at risk. You could explain it to her, but then if you're not prepared to stick around and offer any help to rectify the situation, this seems a bit unnecessarily mean. But then there's no reason for you to want to stick around, it's not your problem. Ask yourself if all was well, would you still want to be friends? On the other hand, even if you don't want to stick around, do you really think that she's putting her kids at serious risk? Try and be objective - we don't all have the same standards and idea of what is clean/hygienic. If you do tell her, I'd just try to do it in the most positive way you possibly can. She must know her situation isn't ideal - maybe she's feeling down about it and doesn't know how to start improving her home. You have been friends for quite some time, it seems a shame to part under these circumstances, but you have your own family to think of. : )

[Aquagility]

Do you know the ancient prayer?
God, give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

[chicklin]

I think if you keep your distance she'll get the message eventually. As for involving Social Services, you have to decide if these children need someone to intervene on their behalf. They can't do anything about it themselves. That's where we as adults come in. All children deserve our protection.
I'm sure you could say something in confidence to Social Services that would alert the them to the problem, then leave it up to them what (if any) action is taken. Only trouble is, if this coincides with your withdrawal from her immediate circle of friends, she may put two and two together....

[ummmm1]

12 years is a long time to dump a friend. Wouldn't it be nicer if you helped her..........as I would hope a friend of 12 years would do for me.

[crete]

if you have concerns re the welfare of the children you should raise your concerns with the appropriate people,

[noxlumos]

I think you need to consider if the children are in serious danger of death, serious harm, consistant neglect or are being emotionally, sexually or physically abused.If so then speak to social services, if not then just accept that your friend has dffering standards to yourself and don't make her situation worse by contacting them and making her feel as though she's a cr4p mother. Four children is a huge undertaking, soon five, if her house is messy and chaotic then it's hardly surprising to some degree. Only if there is a serious risk of harm should you judge and intervene. Personally I'd help her. It's very easy to get disorganised with a large family, and if she's tired or depressed then she needs help not critism.
If you don't want to be her friend then leave her alone, she'll get the message, no need to udnerline what you consider her failings to be.

[Goodsoulette]

Sounds like shes not coping and has lots of issues. 4 different children by 4 guys suggests she might have self esteem issues, that might be resolved with some sort of counselling. Maybe she should go to the doctors and talk to him, in fact encourage it. From there he might be able to help her, it might be due to depression she lives in such a pigsty or even dyspraxia or something similar. I wouldnt dump a friend with that sort of background. Tell her why you dont like seeing her, be honest but also offer to support her, if she is willing to make the change.

[Goodsoulette]

Also I know of a woman who has dyspraxia that lives near my aunt, she lives in an absolute pit. She just cant organise her housework. Social services didnt step in and take the children away, they got her cleaners twice a week that helped her just clean up to begin with, they also bought a home help in for an hour a day every day for few months and then eased off. She isnt brilliant a housekeeping now, but it just gets messy now not filthy. Its a lot easier to keep something clean so maybe you get some support together for her and give her some help to get it to a livable standard and then see how you feel if she doesnt maintain it to a reasonable degree.

[havinmysay]

i understand what your all saying but the oldest 2 are at school so she only has 1 at home at the moment but she'd rather sit on the front doorstep chatting to her mate for an hour or watches music channels all day when she tells me she has tidied up she means she has just thrown toys into a corner i no it must be hard havin 3 kids and 1 on the way.I also no people have told her before but she takes it the wrong way even her midwives told her to clean up so she wont see her midwife anymore

[makemesmile]

It's easy for us all to pontificate - we're not in your position. Do what your heart tells you - just try not to create a situation you may regret : )