relationship advice needed

[osh]

Hello all - please bear with me on this one.

Over summer I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. (we have been going out for 2 and a bit years, we lived together for 1.5 yrs and be have talked about our future and the possibility of marraige / kids etc, everything seemed rosey and good).

Anyway, we broke up over it, but we have remained friendly. Now she has come back to me saying she has been an idiot and made a mistake, and she wants to be with me. Now I really did love her, and I still have really strong feelings. The thing is can I trust her again, and would I be being a fool to get back together with her.

I really thought we would be together forever, so i'm not sure what to do - I have very mixed feelings.

Now the confusion - I have meet someone else. We have only had one date, but we have had fun and have a laugh together. I don't know if it has a future, but she is a sweet girl.

I guess the question is should I go back to what I know, and what I still have very strong feelings for - or - should I move on, and try to build a new relationship and get on with my life?

Cheers for listening - I guess I needed to get this off my chest - any advice is greatfully recieved

[oldwoman]

Did she want you back before this date or after if you see what I`m getting at.

[osh]

she does not know that i have seen anyone else

[oldwoman]

That`s alright then I thought it was a case of I want you back because someone else wants you. Do you feel you could trust her again. I am a no going back person but I know many would disagree. I have never felt the need to cheat in 36 years of marriage,not because it`s been perfect ,but if your with a person you`re with them. Only you can decide what you want. Could you see yourself spending the next few years not worrying what she`s up to.If yes go back,if not move on.

[ummmm1]

You can't go back unless you can forgive her 100%. It would mess your head up otherwise.

The decision is yours....would you be happier with her than without her?

[osh]

Cheers for you response's

There in lies the problem - can I trust her, and would I be happier with or without her? I just don't seem to know.

I don't know if part of the reason I was missing GF1 was that i missed a close companion (someone to come home to, and share with).

Only I can answer it, I know you guys cannot wave a magic wand and tell me what to do (there's some wishfull thinking!!).

I guess everyone would do something different!

[ummmm1]

Sleep on it osh.....maybe see the new girl again you might like her more than you think.

[laurence2]

osh,
i'm afraid i'm not the forgiven type, she obviously dosen't have the same feelings for you as you for her, otherwise she would'nt of cheated, she probably realised that you was a ''good thing'' and wants you back, i believe once a cheater always a cheater, i know people will say forgive an forget, but what if you took her back and she done it again, of course she will say that she won't, but the seed of doubt has been planted ''firmly'' in your mind, and unless you know 100% that she will remain loyal, your relationship will not work, theres alot of bridge building to do, can you say hand on heart, that your up for this, or is your feelings towards her clouding your judgement, only you know the answer, whatever the outcome, i hope it all works out for you

Good luck

[Miss-read]

Osh, she cheated on you while you were together!

And now she says she made a mistake.

I would be very cool towards her. You have met someone new and you seem to get on well, so I would concentrate on your new relationship and see how it goes.

From past experience, once the trust has gone, its very difficult to carry on the relationship.

[sam100]

i would go with the new girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lol

[sam100]

i think you need to explain this to your 'the new girl' when you take her out next week!!!! she might already know though!x

[osh]

Thanks to all who have posted.

It appears the majority say to move on. I can understand where that is comming from, and it is something i keep thinking about.

I wonder if I am just scared about moving on, or if I'm scared that I'm going to make the wrong choice!!

I guess telling 'new girl' would be the honest thing to do - but i'm worried she may not want to be involved (I don't want to scare her off!)

I guess I need to know if I can have strong feelings for someone else, or if the feelings i had originally are still true, or if they have become clouded!

Why are things never simple! If I had not met girl 2, i would probably of gone back to girl 1!!!!

[spk]

Sometimes things happen for a reason osh, maybe girl 2 came along to make you think more deeply about whether you should go back to girl 1 ...

Only you can decide as you know, but personally, I wouldnt go back. I have been in a similar situation, tried again, still didnt work and now I have met somebody else and am alot happier. People cheat because they are looking for something or someone else. The thought for me of cheating on someone I love makes me feel sick I could never do it. When you are really in love I dont think you could look your partner in the eye if you played away.

Think long and hard about it good luck whatever you decide

[sam100]

i think you need to move on but be honest with the new girl as she probably wont want to be mucked around and you dont want to scare her away or make her feel 2nd best!!

If you want her you have to go for it and be honest and give it your all if not do the right thing and end it for her sake too.

[sam100]

question: there isnt anyone else involved in the equation?

[osh]

Hi Sam,

Do you mean kids or just other people? I will answer both for ease.

No kids or anything like that (only a dog)

GF1 cheated (over a period of about a month) with one bloke. Now she says there is nothing more with him, and he is out of the picture properly, (do I believe her -I guess that's were the trust has to come in!)

I have not cheated on her, I met GF2 after we had split up, but just before she said she was finished with the other bloke. I think I have already said the GF1 does not know about GF2 and visa versa (for now at least)

I certianly am not going to keep both women going at the same time - I'm not like that. I just need to get to a decision as to whats best for me. I don't want to mess any of us around!

[sam100]

you just need to go with your heart...sometimes we have a tendency to over analize things...no one is going to tell you what the right thing is to do you have to just go with how you feel....it will all come right in the end.x

[osh]

cheers sam,

I know nobody can tell me what to do - I think talking about it helps though. I'm suprised that most answers were move on, and not many forgive and forgets.

I agree that over analysis can be a problem, unfortunately it's something I am prone to do.

Anyway, I have a date tonight so I guess if it goes as well as the last one, I will have more of an answer. Or jsut be even more confused!!!!!
Cheers

[jno]

I think if you have to ask whether you can trust her, you can't. If you had it in you to forgive and forget you would have done so already. (I don't mean that as criticism of you: not many people would be in any hurry to forgive a cheating lover.) I'd apologise politely to girl 1 and stick with girl 2, and see what the future holds. Some day, who knows, it may be girl 1 after all; but it doesn't sound as if you're ready for that yet. Good luck.

[Paul22118]

I will make this simple mate. Move on now.

[osh]

Don't know if anyone will see this as the question is falling down the list - but I thought I would put a follow up on (let you know what has happened!)

Anyway - I decided that I really missed Girl 1, and I could forgive her and wanted to be with her. She assured me she had told the other bloke that it was over and she didn't want to be with him.

Anyway today we had a day together - I asked should we do something next weekend. She said "Sorry, I'm going to london for a friends birthday party" (this is a friend of a friend, someone I have met a couple of times, but don't know well)

However, she says what she is doing, and it is something I know to be arranged with the other bloke (it is actually one of his friends birthdays!)

So not only did she lie and say she had finished with him, she lied and told me she was going to London with someone else.

So - Lesson learnt, I actually threw her out of the house and told her not to come back. I now feel very very stupid, and think I will listen to other AB'ers more often.