Should she still be going out all the time?

[capitan_usa]

My GF and I met around 6 months ago and recently she moved into my house. All is going great, except for her constant going out on "exclusive girl's nights out" 2-3 Fridays & Saturdays a month.
This is now starting to get me down a little as it's not something me and my friends do and if we do, then its something partners are invited to and not just exclusive to us.
When I try to talk to her about it, all she says is either "these are things we've always done and were planned before we met" or "I'm a firm believer of just because you're with someone, things shouldn't change with your friends"
I'm 30 & she's 28. And I think 6 months is long enough to get rid of stuff that was planed before we met. We do both love each other so much, and have talked lots about the long term future, but to me weekends should start being about us more.
I'm a pretty easy going guy, but this is now really getting me down.
Is it me?

[Daave]

dump her and kick her out,

harsh, but things are only gonna get worse...

[havinmysay]

your over reacting its only a couple of times a month she has no baggage so no reason for staying in ,what do u do on the weekends when she does stay in?

[~Jenna~]

She may be your girlfriend but however much she loves you she's not your possession.

If you try to possess her then you may just end up driving her away. If you try and restrict her and force her to stay home then she may be miserable and resent you for it which could cause problems in an otherwise loving relationship. She's not going out everynight.

Why not plan some real quality time together, go away for a weekend or just make the time you do have more special and maybe organise your own stuff so it doesn't bother you so much when she goes out.

Is there any jealousy issue about her going out with the girls, are you worried about what she's up too?

Make the most of it before you're both tied down and maybe have children and it's harder to get out.

xxx

[Daave]

if shes going out on nights where he cant go, then whats the point?

seriously, if you want to see her and all she want to do is go out without you... surely thats going to make you unhappy,

the longer it happens, the more it will affect you,

it doesnt sound like planning things would have any effect, if she is determined to go out she will go...

try it a few times, plan a few things, if she finds excuses to not go, then goes out without you, then its not gonna work

[havinmysay]

Daave...its her life she should be able to go out whenever she wants with or without him just coz they've moved in together dont mean she has to have no life.
captain_usa...theres nothing stoppin u from goin out with your friends.like jenna said your gonna drive her away otherwise.you've only been together 6 months she'll get bored of going out as often soon.

[~Jenna~]

I have to admit it's one of the main things I love about being single, I can go out and do what I want when I want.

I have a lot of fantastic friends who have been around for a long time and i wouldn't just drop because I'm in a settled relationship. Many of my friends are settled in long term relationships, many married. We meet up often without partners, it's not an exclusive thing by any means and they're more than welcome but many of them find it nice to just come out on their own sometimes. It's not disrespect or reflection on their partners who they love very much and who are often out with their friends themselves.

I do find it sad with some friends and colleagues who have to lie to partners to come out for drinks after work and such and who seem to be constantly on the phone lying and making excuses about how they're still in the office or stuck in traffic so they don't get into trouble.

If it's something you are unahappy with then talk to her about it, maybe it's an incompatability that can be worked on or maybe she's not the girl for you. That's not saying nver, just maybe not at the stage she's at at the moment.

xxx

[WendyS]

I wonder if the two of you really have the same agenda when it comes to commitment. There's nothing wrong with her having the occasional night out with her girlfriends (if fact it's healthy to have some separate relationships) but if she's doing it as regularly as you say, it seems that virtually all your week-end together are shot to blazes and I can understand why you're feeling a bit miffed. Sounds to me as if she wants to have her cake and eat it. If she were really keen on you I would have thought she would want more of your company and that after 6 months together, all her "previously booked commitments" would have been used up. I think the question for you to resolve is "Where is she really putting her priorities - on strengthening & building your relationship together, or having a housemate to keep her company on the nights she's not out with her girlfriends?

Frankly, if I were you at your age, I'd suggest to her that this relationship isn't really making you as happy as you thought you would be together, and that it's better if she moved out and got on with living her life the way she wants, so that you can find a partner who's more committed.

Tough decision probably, but you're not really happy with the way things are now, are you. Could you really live like this on a permanent basis?,

[capitan_usa]

Thanks for your answers,
I'm really not trying to control her in anyway, but at the moment its friday & saturday nights - 3times a month. That to me is a little excessive. Part of the real problem i have with it is that i play rugby on sunday mornings - just once id like her to turn up to support me, but she's always too hung over from the night before and therefore stays in bed and doesnt get up till at 1pm. By then i've walked the dog (her dog!!) and am off playing rugby, and not home until the evening.
The whole idea of her moving in, in the first place was because we werent seeing enough of each other due to work commitments, now were hardly seeing each other at weekends because of this.

I think a part of me also resents (sorry spelling is crap - we need a spel check on here) this because when we first met i had to sign up for another 3 years working abroad or leave my comany. I decided to leave the co. as i wanted to be with her and her me .... this is how seem to be repaid for that.

As to what i do, yea some nights i do go out with my friends (about once a month) but the rest of the time im at home cooking or doing just general things. Usually wishing she was there with me doing them.

I don't know - maybe i'm just moaning too much, and should count myself lucky that i've met someone who i really do love and says she loves me back.

[suffragette]

Being in a deep and committed relationship does not mean you desert your old friends and share every social occasion with your partner. This is something you need to discuss, but I think most women would be surprised if you objected to a regular 'girls night out'.

Friendships between women are very different from friendships between men. Men free nights are an important way for women to clear the cobwebs, dish the dirt and find answers to their problems. We are not as solitary as men in such matters, though I accept many men find this type of bonding difficult to comprehend.

If there are issues of trust involved, then maybe your relationship does need a reassessment, but if she is just letting off steam with friends, then take the opportunity to have a bevy with some of your own friends or find a hobby that you can enjoy independently.

[imajenarry]

i can relate to this except we have a baby too.my advice would be if it really bothers talk to her again about it.maybe she doesn't realise how bad it makes you feel.she may come to a compromise about it.my partner has a thing for going out every friday night.we had lots of talks about it and after getting mixed views from friends and ab'ers after i posted a similar question i decided to grin and bear it. friday nights out after working all week obviously mean a lot to him and it would just make him unhappy if that had to change. possibly your gf feels the same way but i do think you do need to talk it thru again.

[Pea Pod]

I must be old fashioned,your either with somebody or your not. One weekend in four with girl friends would be the way I saw it. Whats next seperate holidays.

[bbw_claire]

I used to be like her , out all the time when me and my guy first got together. Then I decided that if your with someone you should share everything � and it totally worked for us from then on (my partying was causing problems)
She will come around if her feelings are as strong as you say they are. Also don�t forget it is the party season coming up, so she will be out more.

But I have to say, her moving in with her dog, you walking it and then not getting the support at rugby because of hang overs is a little much.
You should talk to her about that as you do seem a really nice guy.

But if she doesn�t change or doesn�t want to enough, then im afraid its � Cricky Captain, time to get out of here!!

Good luck x

[ummmm]

The Google toolbar has a spell check on it capitan_usa

[joko]

perhaps you need to make a weekend with you a more exciting prospect - than the same as the other 6 days of the week where you are at home cooking and cleaning....

she cant invite you on these established nights out because all the other girls won't have their blokes there- so why not suggest that all the girls bring their blokes too?

as has been said, you cannot stop her doing this and you seem to think she "should" -there are no rules here- people are different and live the way they see fit.

i would think seeing you 6 nights a week is plenty - you don't want her to get bored do you?
perhaps the weekend is the only time she can see her friends - perhaps because they spend all week with their blokes too.
its also when everything is open & buzzing so she wants to use that time to go out, not sit in the house - which she does every other night.

as for the rugby - its your choice to play it - so play it!
i can't think of anything more boring, and i'll bet neither can she - so if you start to insist she comes to watch she will start to resent it - sure, once in a while would be good, but judging her for having a hangover when you want her attention is a bit needy.
you do that EVERY saturday - perhaps she wants saturDAY to be just for you??

and as for you leaving your job " for her" - that was your choice!!
you cannot now think she owes you something or that you own her time as "repayment"!!!

i know exclusive nights can seem a bit mean, but its not personal, its just the way things have been arranged for her for a while.

i think you are being too sensitive and controlling and you are expecting to have ownership rights over her.

make yourself more dynamic and fun so that she wants to spend the weekend with you - it won't be if you guilt trip her and make her feel obliged.
forget rugby sometimes and take her

[noxlumos]

My wife and I love each other dearly and I am free to do whatsoever I please and she is free to come and go with her friends as and when she wishes. We have also, on odd occasions, holidayed seperately and she frequently visits the States without me as I am unable to travel there.She gave up a lot for me, and I gave up some things for her, but we are still very much both still our own people and I would never expect her to spend time with me if she'd prefer to go out with some girls on a girly night.
Would you really like to be sitting there whilst the ladies discussed what ladies discuss when they are all out together, or would you rather she missed out on the fun and began to be alienated from her former friends?
If your relationship is strong and you are right for each other, then you should feel secure and happy in it. If you don't you need to examine if she is the right person for you, or if you are being a tad too possessive. Personally I think you just need to relax and enjoy your time together, that way she'll want to spend more and more of it with you, otherwise if you are a controlling miserable ar5e she'll just end up running a mile, and that would be a pity.

[Daave]

i wasnt saying anyhting to the effect of controlling her, but this bloke is obviously wanting something from his girlfriend that he isnt getting, and if she is determined to go out 6 out of 8 available nights, then maybe, they arent such a good match,

maybe i should keep my mouth shut

[Pippa68]

2-3 fridays/saturdays a month doesn't seem that much to me.

[~Jenna~]

Have you ever asked her to come to the rugby?

Why not organise a special night in a weekend. Suggest devoting the entire weekend to each other and include say a nice romantic meal out on the saturday night and get her to come to the rugby the next day to see you.

If she'd feel uncomfortable on her own make sure there is someone there who she can stand with and chat to.

How old are you both out of interest?

[capitan_usa]

Hi Jenna,
Im 30 & she is 28 (as it says in the question)
I have asked her to come to rugby so many times, but she wont as she hates the sport and only likes football. But that to me is not a reason for her not to come and support me

[~Jenna~]

Oh yes...duh! Sorry, having a moment :)

That's a real shame, even if she's not keen it wouldn't hurt to come and watch you at least every now and again especially if it means so much to you.

I'd be really proud going to see my man (if I had one) doing something like that.

I do hope you sort it hon as it sounds like there's a lot of love there and it'd be a shame if it broke the relationship up.

xxx