What next?

[4getmenot]

Ok I have been seeing a bloke that I love to bits but he just isn't ready to settle down, he is very muddled and doesn't know who he is, what he wants etc. I have always been a person to stay where I am because of family whereas he wants to travel etc. This I put up with but I am at that age where I want babies and am getting well broody. He says he wants me and maybe in the future but I just don't have the time to wait and see. There is someone else who loves me and would give me everything I wanted, but we used to go out and he dumped me so I feel he doesn't deserve to have me. And because they hate eachother if I see one I would never be able to see the other, its so hard, I don't know what to do. Would you settle for love and no children or a family and a new start? And redcrx no word of this to anyone.

[Goodsoulette]

I would settle with the one I truely loved. No second bests. I have made bad decision after bad decision and I am now a single mum with 2 kids. Do not be with someone just cause you think they love you the most, maybe neither are right for you. Dont go with what they want be with who you want.

[4getmenot]

But to go with who I want means I am just hoping he may want to settle down and by the time he decides I may have given up my chance for children

[mikeyp]

I don't know how old you are, but is there a serious risk that if you don't have children very soon you won't be able to? I'd wait, there's nothing wrong with being patient, and it will be more wonderful in the end. If you choose the other guy and that doesn't work out, you won't have any children or be in a good relationship.

[redcrx]

as if id say anything sweetie! I know you want kids and I know you love your little nephew to bits. In turn you know the situation i was in when i first wanted a child.
Im not in a position to advise you hun as I dont really know either guy, for some reason your friends hide from me lol

(((((((big hugs))))))) xxxxx

[liquidspace]

Do you know what, I am in a v similar situation, have been with my bf for 4 and half years and he is still muddled. I have come to the conclusion that his not knowing what he wants is another way of saying he is not sure how much he loves me. I have someone that loves me and has done for years and would be with me now if I chose to but he has problems and Im not sure it would work out.

I think if someone loves you they wouldn't behave in a way that leaves you feeling unsettled. I would proceed with caution with this muddled up guy.

Having said that, having children is obviously a huge step. Dont think having children will make you happy, children are great but they are so much hard work and if your relationship isnt right with the father, you will have made a huge mistake which has knock on effects for everyone.

[4getmenot]

mikeyp I'm 28 and I really dont think the one I love will settle down any time soon. The other boy loves me and I cant say I wont have feeling for him because I did used to go out with him and everything was ok but then he dumped me. He says that was the biggest regret of his life. I just wish this other bloke would pull his finger out. I'm not seeing either one at the moment but the commitment phobe messages me all the time and still comes round.

[4getmenot]

I think I could love this other guy but also he had cancer and there is a chance he cant have children anyway. But I think maybe my heads messed up coz lately this ex has rang and bought me flowers and always says how much he loves me and I don�t know if whether I�m just liking something the other doesn�t give me.

[4getmenot]

I know he wants children but he wants to live his life first then maybe have them, he is 30, but then blokes can have them at anytime, us girls cant wait forever.

[Octavius]

I wouldn�t �settle� for either really. I would do the one that I really wanted to do, not just put up with things. If the relationship you are in is not moving at the pace and direction you would like then you need to change things really. And I don�t think the other person sounds right either to be honest. If there are too many unknowns in your current relationship (as in how long he might take to decide how both your lives should proceed) then I would opt for the new start. Patience is a virtue, but not when someone else dictates that your life is on hold. Easier said than done, but you�ll go with your gut feel.

[4getmenot]

Pu_al he�s not saying he wants to travel now, he doesn�t know what he wants, it could take him years to ever realise. We don�t live together or anything like that so I would like to be living with someone at least a year before I have babies with them. All these years add up. At one point in my life I wanted 4 children, that�s all ruined now. Unless I have quadruplets :-)

[noxlumos]

Hello 4get, difficult situation you are in. I'll agree with Pa____ul, you've potentially got loads of time left. My wife is 38 and had our last baby this year and despite having a large family already we want more children, but she's tied up with a project for the next couple of years so that'll have to wait until she well into her 40's. On that basis you have 10, 15 maybe more years left to have children.
I don't think either of these men are probably right for you at this point, why not extend your options and see if you can find a man who you love passionately and who wants the same things that you do, now. Alternatively the guy whose muddleheaded might suddenly have a word with himself and grow up and hey presto you've got what you want. The nice guy whose willing to give you what you want deserves a second chance as well. Don't discount him PURELY because he dumped you, that could have been an abberation, but only if you can't imagine spending the rest of your life together. You need to decide, but I don't reckon your clock is ticking too fast just yet, so give yourself the luxury of not having to jump into a decision right away.

[4getmenot]

I guess nox it�s the knowing that I am going to lose the man I love and its upsetting knowing that I have too. I really cant wait for him much longer as I said theres lots I want do before having a child and I also want more than the one. I�m also scared I�ll get to an age where he still cant decide and yes I may still be able to have kids but who will want me :-(

[4getmenot]

I would never make him do something he doesn�t want the same as I would never ask this other bloke to wait for me and waste his life.

[Goodsoulette]

28 mate thats plenty of time. My mumhad me and my brother at 17 then lived with my dad till she was 36. She remarried has another family which she started at 39, 2 more kids. She is a much more laid back parent now too. Like I said I have 2 kids and me eldest has seen way too much cr@p, and I should have waited til I was settled and in a really loving relatioship.

[Octavius]

I�ve got a mate who is 41, professional, fairly well off, fun-loving, adventurous and is looking for a lovely young lady (late 20�s � early 40�s) to have fun and settle down with and eventually a family. He has never been married, although has had a couple of long term serious relationships and has no children, and before you ask � he isn�t the wealthy playboy uppity type either. Plenty of people out there looking for someone just like you, the hard part is finding them, but the fun part is looking.

[4getmenot]

I know lots of people have children late but I want to be young to enjoy them, and before any of you say even old people can this is what I want. Also I have problems with enflamed ovaries so I guess I�m thinking maybe I wont be able to have kids.

[4getmenot]

I could turn round tomorrow and have the love and family, but it would be such a shame to lose the man I love, and I�ve always seen him in my future forever.

[Miss Inquiry]

Hi 4get, bit of a dilema huh. I don't think either of them are right. The way I see it, if you are considering one or the other, you don't in your heart of hearts want either of them, your desire for having a family and the settled lifestyle is possibly clouding your judgement. I think if you settled for either then, 1,5 maybe 10 years down the line you would be wondering "what if"....
I hope it's not hurting you too much, it's cruel the way our hearts sometimes rule our minds.

[redcrx]

listen sis, did you hear what happened when i split with hubby after the kids discussions? Our aunt said to mum that i was a fool as i may have found that i couldnt have children and then Id have thrown my marriage away for no reason.
Mum put her straight and said that if i wanted children and had a partner who wanted same thing with me then we'd find a way, IVF, adoption, whatever it took as it would be our wish.
As for living with someone for a year before having kids, that was my plan too but fate stepped in and you know what happened. x