how can i trust again?

[confused79]

I have recently found out my partner of 1 year cheated on me with his ex and mother of his son (who he has custody of).

its so hard to understand why becuase we click so well together have great and frequent sex and are very affectionate with each other.

He originally denyed it and only until recently i found out the truth behind it. This is the second time i have been cheated on, my ex of 14 years cheated on me after marriage and 3 children later. I have never cheated on anyone and could not even contemplate it even for revenge im just not like that. I am still with my partner after a lot of problems as you can imagine, i know he made a huge mistake and i beleive him when he says he loves me and hates himself for it. But how can i even get trust back for him i feel thats a important part of a relationship, how can i ever feel the same. I dont want this relationship to go to pieces because of what happened. I know it takes two but i know she was extremely jealous of us and tried so hard to split us up and she is very manipulating and nasty peice of work. I want to know if there is anyone out there who has overcome this and stayed with their partner after being cheated on and has it worked and did you mange to build the trust back up. and was you never cheated on again? i will appreciate anyones advice.

[boro1986]

You may not like his ex but it takes 2 to cheat its up to you but personally if anyone ever cheated on me i would never ever take then back

[confused79]

I understand your feeling of never taking anyone back if it happened to you, and that was mine too, but until your actually in t he situation its very hard to see how you would feel about it. I promised myself when my ex cheated i would never get back with anyone if they cheated.
But then i never thought i would click and fall in love with someone again. its hard to explain the feelings i have, i feel i wouldn't only not trust him. But i feel it will destroy my trust and faith in anyone i meet if i chose not to stay with him

[boro1986]

Your decision but once a cheat always a cheat. Was he thinking of you while he was in bed with her i guess not .

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i have never cheated either, but if you take someone back who has cheated, your opening the door for them to cheat again. I know of people who have stayed with their partner after they have cheated, but they have always just cheated again. What you need to look at is your situation. Why did he feel the need to cheat? There must already be issues at home with you. Maybe you are too forgiving and dont keep tabs on him enough. Maybe he has the impression that he can do what he wants and you will always take him back...

[laurence2]

I will say this once only, its not a case of if, but when he cheats on you again, their is no way you could trust him, especially the woman in question being his babys mother.

Look at her view, she sleeps with your boyfriend by clicking her fingers, she will use every trick in the book to ruin your relationship with him, tho it dosen't look to difficult a job to persuade him, i'm not the forgiven type in things like this, i've been married 16 years, and if my wife or me cheated, its over, trust is the biggest part of any relationship, if theirs no trust, its pointless continuing in a relationship, hes got the best of both worlds in his eyes, i admire your stance on sticking by him, but i've seen it all to many times with friends relationships in the past, the odds are against yours surviving unless you forgive him again, again & again.

Think what you are doing, no ones saying you don't love him etc, but for him to cheat on you, then ask for forgiveness is pathetic, its only a matter of time before he does it again, you will always have doubt in your mind, even if he dosen't cheat again, and whilst you have these doubts, i'm afraid yout relationship is not going to work

Its obviously your call at the end of the day, i hope all works out for you whatever path you take, you don't deserve this, their are many more fish in the sea so to speak, go catch yourself another one.


Good luck

[confused79]

Thanks for your advice laurence. Its many of the thoughts i have already had and its doign my head in.
There were no problems in our relationship when he did it, honestly nothing, good and frequent sex and loving relationship, im not saying this cos im in denial anything was wrong but i know the difference as when my ex cheated it was totally different story, there was hardly any affection and communcation and it made more sense why he did it.
But i just cant work out why. He tells me im amazing and he has all he wants in me! then how can he explain and justify doing what he did.
I really dont know if i can carry on with him, i want to but i dont know if ill get back the feelings i had previous to this happening. I dont wanna end up bitter and twisted and then tarr every man i meet with the same brush, because i dont think i can trust ANYONE any more. x

[wigglebum]

Hi there I job wanted to add my two penith.

I have been in your situation and completely respect everyone elses opinions on this but I have remained with my fella as I love him so much and would be nothing without him.

I will take no crap off him for what he did apologies are just words and he needs to reassure you over and over again that this will not happen again.

My situation was that I got involved with my fella whilst this other girl was pregnant so really dived right in to the deep end with this relationship. Anyhow after being together a while I then fell pregnant gave birth to my gorgeous child. I found out a few months later that after giving birth my partner went out to celebrate to cut a long story short he ended up back at a mates house this other girl was there whom he had a massive fight with and went to bed. Woke up the next day and she was laying naked next him. Then was told that she had got pregnant again and that it was his.

This girl has also been trying to break us up and she is a very evil little cow.

Anyway we have resolved our issues with a few barnys in between but I have told him that I don't trust him and it was very rocky for a while but we are totally back on form and back to the way we were when we first met.

Do what you have to do to make yourself happy as you are the one that counts not him. Hope this makes sense

[confused79]

Thanks for your advice wiggle bum, its a bit more reassuring to hear that someone else has been through similar situation.
She is very evil cow too and its very very jealous that we was happy etc. How do you trust him now though do you still have doubts when you are not together if he would ever be tempted to do anything again?

[wigglebum]

It had been hard for a while like if he went out we always ended up having a bit of a tiff because I was so insecure about him but then it made me realise that we should go out together and show this girl that we are very happy and will continue to be.

It will take a while to shake off but it will get better, Its like all bad things they get better with time.

Unfortunately with him having the child with her she will always be in your lives but you have to think to yourself that you are a much better person than she is and to just live your life the way you want. Remember you can change yourself but not other people!! Think positively xx

[confused79]

Thats what we do we go out together and we are such good friends as well as partners, this is the only thing in our relationship that effects it now knowing what he did.
I know time is a healer and i want to heal and still be with him, because we are so good together. I know im better than her a hell of a lot, i just dont wanna end up bitter and twisted over this.
I also want him to stop getting angry when i bring it up, he gets annoyed when i mention it and says he is so ashamed and doesnt want to keep hearing it. but for me sometimes i feel talking about it easier.

[wigglebum]

Talking is the best thing you can do I had several conversations (arguments really!!) about how he didn't want to hear about it again.

You have to tell him, he cheated not you and that you need to have a rant every now and then to get it off your chest without him getting angry. That definately helps no matter how much he gets angry just remind him that you wouldn't feel like this if he hadn't did what he did to you and he needs to let you get over it in your own way not when he says so.

I hope I'm helping and not sounding to bossy. I've just had enough this year of being looked over by everyone friends, family etc and have decided to fight back (in a nice way of course!) to be more assertive xx

[confused79]

No i dont think your being bossy i think you have made me feel a bit more positive about things, ive been very low as you can imagine and not looking forward to chirstmas etc.

I will talk to him and i want to explain im not bringin it up to dwel on it but as i feel i have to deal with it in this way, and as you say its not my fault im feelign this way and he should accept it as its what he did. He says he feels very lucky to still be with me and to be honest i think he is lucky to still have his tackle in place! x

[wigglebum]

He is very lucky to have that still in place!!

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i know you have said that there was nothing wrong in your relationship, but obviously there was. You need to ask him why he did it. Just because you didnt see anything was wrong, he obviously had a totally different prospective. the more you bring it up, the more he is gonna get annoyed. He will already be confused as his ex would have offered to take him back and promised a better life, and more than likely better sex.

[confused79]

No she didnt offer to take him back she actually told me she hates him, i asked her why she did it she said out of hate. He admits to me there was nothing wrong.
He always would say to me he couldnt understand why i was with him, he says he never has been out with a woman of my class - thats not how i put it its him. He is insecure of himself and i am always telling him he is better than he gave himself credit for. obviously im not saying that recently as of what happened.
He did not have that perspective as i have asked him that already thats why it doesnt make sense.

[claireyfairy]

all this once a cheat always a cheat is rubbish

You can only do what you want to do but be open and honest with your partner, don't let things fester. If you still don't feel right then tell hime, talk things through.

[MrBen5]

Yeah i agree with fairy, he has done it for a reason and he will do it again unless you sit down and talk to him properly until you are satisfied he has given you a reasonable excuse...

[chicklin]

Hi confused, you're asking us questions that unfortunately we can't answer. You need to be asking him these things that are still worrying you. It's no good him getting angry and saying he doesn't want to keep going over this - he's got to think of you now and what you want and need and if you still need to go over it another few hundred thousand times in an effort to understand it - then so be it! It's probably making him feel guilty again every time its brought up, but he IS guilty so... tough! If he is genuinely sorry and wants there to be a future for the two of you, then he got to be prepared to deal with this in whatever way you need to. If it's brushed under the carpet, it will just fester because you've never had an oportunity to dissect it and examine it from all angles and try to understand it. It needs to be out in the open.

[poopy]

Its easy to say "I would never take any1 back that cheated on me". I always thought the same until my partner of 8 years, my bestest friend in the whole world cheated on me. He was sorry, didnt know why he did it and didnt even like the slag. I took him back. Its been 2 years now and I still cant get it out my head. everyday its in my thoughts. I thought 'if he's gonna cheat he'll do it anyway no matter what I do' but if he does its obviously a sign to show we not meant to be together.

The damage has been done now, we dont get on as good as we used to, we argue a lot and I throw it back in his face all the time, I often think about leaving him, but at the end of the day I cant imagine life without him. Ive got him, he's mine. Youve just got to let life run its course. Ive been thinking of going to a councillar to try and get over it. I know he wont do it again but he cant hurt me as much as what he already has done.
Try a councillar, im goin to do the same.
Good luck.