Help from Reluctant Dads

[RogerMellie]

Help! I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years, living together for two years, I'm 34, she's 29.

She has made it quite clear she wants to get married and have a baby, in fact, so clear that she has temporarily moved out to give me some time and space to think things over.

The problem is the idea of kids has never really appealed to me, I'm basically young at heart, have an active social life, like to travel lots and see having kids as bringing an end to all that. In short, I'm a reluctant dad.

We have loads of friends our age who have kids /are expecting/trying, and all the guys say its something they have wanted for ages, whilst I just don't have this feeling.

In every other respect I'm an all round average bloke � good professional job, able to provide for a family, and people say to me "but you would make such a good dad". My own family background is totally stable, parents married 40 years, happy childhood etc etc � nothing in my past to 'scare me off' kids.

So why don't I want them? It's a real issue, so much that if I don't change my views, I think my girlfriend is going to leave me, she's already halfway there. I really don't want to lose her as I love her dearly, but I also don't want to be pressured into something I'm not sure I want right now. I would hate to resent bringing a child into the world unless I was 100% committed to it.

Are there any other reluctant dads out there who have been through this. What happened? If you had kids, did you take to fatherhood well?

I know its natural for her bodyclock to be ticking and it would be wrong of me to deny her being a mum but I just can't get over this stumbling block that life as we know it will end, and I won't enjoy what is to come.

[carjack]

I think you are being very sensible and responsible.The worst thing you could do in this situation is to allow yourself to be pressured into creating a life that you don't feel ready for and clearly don't want. You have been honest with your girlfriend but unfortunately it seems like you both want different things. I can't tell you what to do or give you advice, but I think you have to be very clear about what you want. You aren't denying her being a mum, this is very much a joint decision. If you give in to pressure you could end up resenting your girlfriend and worse, the child.

[good-arras]

You mention that she wants to get married as well but not your views on that, is that also affecting the way you're thinking?

[Mammar]

I think both of you are in between a rock and a hard place.
You have a lot of honest talking to do to resolve this.
There is certainly the chance that your two viewpoints cannot be reconciled and the relationship may have to end.
I do hope the blokes will rally forth and tell you about what happened to them but, in the end, only you can decide what to do.
Hope you sort it all out x x

[jno]

sounds like you're in total disagreement on one of the most important things in a relationship. There's no middle way on this one. I suspect being 'young at heart' just means you're a kidult who doesn't want to grow up; but that's your right. And you're right to say you shouldn't have a child if you aren't ready; it certainly does change your life. I've known men in your position do it and find that they loved the kids and made wonderful fathers; but that's not guaranteed. Just as likely, you'd spend the next 20 years resenting it. But prepare yourself for the end of your relationship.

[redcrx]

this is something that you have to think long and hard about, both of you. and you both have to be truly honest and open about how you see the relationship developing over the years.

I was with my ex husband for 11 years, married for 5 of those. We got together very young and didnt really talk about kids other than to say 'yeah one day'

once we were married i asked my husband about having a family 'yeah one day' he said.

I asked the next year 'one day maybe' he said

the next year the same thing, and so on

Once i got to 29 and him 32 he was still saying it. He was more interested in his life remaining the same, going out with his mates, drinking and partying and i was at an age where i wanted to be a mum and take that step in my life. We could afford it, he didnt think so, I could still work full time, he disagreed. Whatever i said he shyed away from the situation and went out with his mates.

we then both had to make a very tough decision, could we compromise or not. The answer was no.

There were no hard feelings between us, i couldnt force his hand just as he couldnt make me give up my future of children. I needed the chance to have a family with someone that not only loved me but wanted the same as me in life.

My story turned out to have a happy ending. I met someone 2 years after splitting from my husband. A year later our son was born and it was everything that we both wanted.

people on a website cant give you the answers, you have to talk to your girlfriend and see if you can find an answer that you are both happy with.

[4getmenot]

wow I wish I could give redcrx stars

[RogerMellie]

I've given the well deserved stars!

Thanks for a whole load of sensible answers from everyone who replied. It's given me a lot of food for thought.

[WendyS]

There is no easy answer for you on this, as you've probably already realised. Having children or not is such a fundamental part of any relationship and commitment that you are right to have a serious debate with yourself . And there is no right or wrong answer. It just has to be the same answer for both of you. I think that if you allow yourself to be reluctantly persuaded into having children when you heart isn't in it, it will probably have serious consequences for your relationship. What would be disastrous for both of you would be to have children and still feel uncommitted to them and resentful that they have changed the way you want to live your life. There is always a chance that your attitude and feelings may change once children arrive but I think with the way you are feeling at the monent that is probably too great a risk to take. The arrival of children forces all couples to renegotiate their former carefree relationship. If you genuinely think those sacrifices are not for you, then I think you must let your girlfriend walk away, however much you don't want to lose her. You can become a parent at any age. She can't so she was probably right to bring the issue to a head and move out while you decide where your priorities lie.

[Reverandfunk]

Roger, I'm late 30's, divorced, no kids and in the few serious relationships I've been in the subject of kids inevitably comes up and I always say I don't want any (had the snip about 10 years ago) if they do, then move on because it aint going to work. She wants kids you don't, you have kids, you may love it you may hate it and for the kids sake it's not worth the risk.

[kaylamay]

Some people just dont want kids i guess. My best friend married her High School Sweetheart knowing he did not want kids. After 5-6 years of marriage she really wanted kids and he kept putting it off. Well, she finally talked him in to it and they have two lovely teen boys now. The thing is her husband came to her one day and told her thank you for their sons as he couldn't imagine life without them. This from a man who was dead set against fatherhood. You have to think when your old who will you have. The memories a family can give you are what will keep you warm in your old age. Holidays and boy toys are all well and good but they dont last. There are many tropical vacation or cruises that offer whole family fun which includes parents and kids or fun for the kids while the parent slip away for fun of their own.
If you are sure you dont want kids then let her go so she can find a relationship that will give her the things she wants too. Dont forget though you may end up regretting your choices so you really do have some soul searching to do. A usual part of marriage is children. DO NOT marry her and give her hope if you dont intend to follow through with the child part.
Relationships and marriage are all about compromise. Children and a life long marriage are serious commitments. Maybe go to some couples counseling to work out your reasoning for not wanting kids. If you want to stay with this woman you will need to do something.