Is it really okay to date a much younger girl?

[porfavour]

I've heard your bizarre replies before saying age is just a number, but tonight, yet again I've had to go and collect my daughter off a complete stranger because her 41 year old bf (she's 18) has kicked off and locked her out. He was jealous because she had just spent an evening with her mum, for the first time in several weeks.
Why is it ok to treat a girlfriend this way just because you are so much older?
And why, as a mother, do I get the hard time for judging the age difference?

[ELVIS68]

Why is he jealous for her visiting you?

[porfavour]

Hi Elvis,
I really just don't know, we were only having drinks in a bar less than half a mile from him...he could have joined us as any point.
He blamed his boss for keeping him out late, but I've just got off the phone from his boss and he has been home for ages with his son. I think he is up to stuff and using him as a scapegoat, but of course, no one wants to believe me.
It broke my heart going to a pizza bar after talking to a completer stranger telling me where my daughter was and that she was crying her heart out.
I am in Spain, luckily it was a kind person that spoke English and gave the directions to the taxi driver, or I wouldn't have found her.
As a mum, I just don't know what to do.
This has been going on for 2 years now, at first I reacted badly but knew I would lose my daughter, so have gone with the flow... I just can't do it anymore.
Anything could have happened to her tonight.
Please give me some advice...

[ELVIS68]

What does your daughter have to say about it, has it happened before?

Personally I would hate to be in your position, but as you say, you went with the flow,surely she must realise what an arseole he is now?

[porfavour]

She's tucked up in my bed asleep, having cried herself out. The last time I know of this happening was Christmas Eve, when we were all at his place... so no reason to be jealous. Think it is just a control thing.
I last saw her 3 weeks ago, only because he allowed her to visit me, as I was in hospital.
I suspect it happens a lot.
It is his own insecurity that causes this, but I hate seeing my daughter played in this callous way.

[carrot99]

Oh, Porfavour what the hell can she see in him? Is he particularly rich? That is a ridiculous age difference, she is still I child ( I have an 18 year old daughter). What is she looking for, to take up with such an old man? You have my deepest sympathies as a mother.

[zigzag]

your email for real?
lol

[porfavour]

Oh carrot, thank god for another mother that talks sense.
I've tried getting my head around this, but still can't. You know me as Queen Bee.
It was when they started dating that my problems started.
Just don't know what the attraction is.

[porfavour]

Yes, sorry to disappoint you zigzag, this time it's a real problem... and unlike so many ABers I no longer use psuedonames

[zigzag]

i'm sory to hear that porfavour, was always in your favour

[ELVIS68]

Well at 18 she`s an adult and you can only give her advice and support, it`s up to her to make the next move

My guess is he`ll grovel like mad and say it`ll never happen again...blah blah blah!

Til the next time!

[carrot99]

Porfavour go back to CB it's easier to talk.

[BBWCHATT]

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/abuse _signs.html

[BBWCHATT]

Abusers come in all ages - I don't think his problem is age - it is much worse than that.

[warpig3]

,porfavour I cant begin to imagine what you are going through as am not amother myself but you are doing the right thing by supporting her, even if you don't agree, the other alternative will just push her further away.

She is young and one day I am sure she will wake up and smell the coffee, sadly until then you must just be there for her.

No it is not ok to treat anyone this way regardles of age, he perhaps is some sort of a control freak,.

You are her mother and you can see what is happening , she is young and naive, but she will learn, hopefully this will not be a hard lesson for her, not if you are there, albeit in the background.

takecare
warpig

[jno]

I agree with those who say it's not age-related; a jerk is a jerk, whatever age, and he is one. (Since you ask, it is NOT okay to treat a girlfriend this way.) It may be he finds girls easier to push around than mature women who might tell him to take a hike. As to what she sees in him... I don't know, are there issues with father figures in your family perhaps?

[porfavour]

yes, jno you've hit the nail on the head.
This evening she revealled how scared of her father she really is.
I divorced him because the mental cruelty became intollerable.
For all these years I thought I had protected her and made her immune to his cruelty. She revealled that she was desperately seeking his approval and felt that any failing of her own would be letting him down.
As a mother I feel rubbish!

[warpig3]

Sadly porfavour, it seems that the parent that takes care of the children is the one most punished and the one who left is reveered regardless of their short-comings. I have seen this with a very good girlfriend of mine, her girls really hurt her for a few years ( they didnt understand), the yare all grown up now and they completely understand what the situation is and was, hang on in there, she will make her misakes but as long as you are there
she will be fine.

[good-arras]

I think Warpig is right, you're just going to have to hang on in there wether you like it or not.
and see what happens!

[sense4all]

The bloke is a contol freaking idiot. Please show your daughter these answers. Age is definately not the issue here! Don't waste a lot of energy feeling bad , you need to find out how you can practically help her in the event of this happening again, a locker in the town bus station with some money and a spare cell phone etc ... long term not the answer ... keeps her safe in the event she needs it tho'.